My Best is All I Can Do
Last night when I was putting the kids down (we have a routine that involves them watching a cartoon in my room tucked into my king size bed while K2 drinks his bottle and they wind down), I laid down across the foot of the bed to wait until the cartoon was over and I basically passed out. Conked. Snoozed. Whatever.
I finally made myself wake up to put K2 to bed (he loved that he got to stay up a little later than normal) at 8:30, and then instead of letting P watch something else after I brushed her teeth and said prayers with her, I put her straight to bed as well. And then I convinced myself (against much opposition) to exercise. I did intervals for 35 minutes instead of 45 and then did some leg squats. And boy, was I pleased with myself for recovering from that mini-nap. I almost had myself convinced to take one more night off to go straight to bed.
Tonight I hope to get to bed a little earlier. I think last night was at about 11:00 exactly. Tonight I’m aiming for 10:50. I’m going to try and work it back 10 minutes a night until I get to bed by 10:30 and can actually get to sleep.
Worked in the office today. Had a little incident with someone saying something really snide, me walking out of a meeting totally pissed but without saying anything back. I went back in after I cooled off, hoping no one had realized how ticked I was. No such luck, but the person that offended me might have still been clueless. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one who thought I was justified in being torked. Other than that, it was a productive day and I have plenty to do when I go in next Tuesday. I should make a list before I forget what I need to do when I get there.
Made chicken tacos when I got home from the chicken in a can we get at Sam’s. K had agreed to help me with dinners on the days I go in, but he didn’t manage it today. I almost had him go and get us some Subway, but I was very pleased with myself for pulling a quick, healthy dinner out of nowhere with no planning. While hanging out with the kids outside after dinner, I decided to take our dog C for a sprint. I asked our neighbor to watch the kids for a couple minutes and I ran down the street around the corner and down another street and back (about a block total) at pretty much a sprint the whole way. It felt good to stretch it out like that, but I have to admit it was uncomfortable since I hadn’t prepared with a COMPLETELY empty bladder like I should have. Darn pelvis muscles that can’t hold it together anymore. Ugh. Anyway, C got her sprint on and seems more tired tonight. I’m getting a nose lead this weekend so I can take her with the kids without her pulling so much I can’t even enjoy myself, and I’m looking forward to giving her some exercise each day. I think she’ll be a lot more cheerful.
Well, gotta make K2’s bottle so I can get the kids to bed and get to exercising. Going to do arms tonight after my jog. All while I watch SYTYCD. Yay! Last night of auditions, then next week we get to start getting to know contestants. I love this show!
When Things Fell Apart
Yesterday was an interesting day. I guess interesting is a word that fits. It wasn’t a horrible day, but it was an awful day at the same time.
I went to work. No biggie. I ate what I set out to eat at work, the proffered salad provided for my lunch meeting, and my snacks. I guesstimated at the calorie content and portion sizes of the stuff in the salad later in the afternoon, and was slightly dismayed at myself for having put ranch on my salad when it didn’t improve the taste as much as it added calories. But I thought I moved on.
Then I got home. K had made a cobbler dessert. Perfectly. He was so proud of it! And it was GOOD. And very rich. And there was no meat thawed for dinner. And we didn’t have any idea what to make. So I decided to make grilled cheese/meat sandwiches for everyone. I wasn’t going to have one, so I thought I could have a couple of yummy snacks instead of a meal. DELUSIONAL. 🙂 I had a Fiber One bar from the freezer while I made everyone’s sandwiches. And then I made myself one with my 45 cal bread, a little less butter, meat and just sprinkled mozarella instead of the sliced cheddar I put on everyone else’s. It was good. So was the Fiber One bar.
Well, I don’t even remember everything I ate between that time and midnight. I didn’t work out. I felt so heavy I’m not sure what would have happened if I’d tried to walk or run. Cramps for sure. I ate A LOT. And then I ate some more. I started to have gas pains (TMI, sorry), but I kept eating. I felt over-full. But I kept eating. Ugh and ugh again.
I was in pain all night. I never really slept soundly, and the horrible gas pains and cramps were still present this morning. Every time I stretched during the night, my calves threatened me with charlie horse cramps. And the gas! My poor husband, coming in the room in the middle of the night when he got done working and being bombarded with the gas chamber that our room turned into with me in there.
Today, I feel I’ve learned my lesson. I can’t say I’ll never binge again. But oooh, boy, I can’t binge like I used to. My body objects!! This happened about a month and a half ago (or less, I could go back and find it in the blog entries), and I had similar pains. This was worse. I’m glad my body can’t handle it anymore. I feel blessed that my body is learning to reject that kind of abuse. So why did I do it? And how can I guarantee it won’t happen again? I don’t know, and I don’t know. But I”ll try. Today, I put good things into my body. And I’ve eaten a very low-calorie day, because it seemed like what my body wanted.
I’ll work out tonight for the first time since Saturday. And by golly, it will feel good. Get to run while I watch So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD). Yay!
Also have to go to work tomorrow. I told K that if I’m going to work twice a week for a while, he needs to help me with dinners because I’m going to have a really hard time continuing to lose weight if I have rough nights like last night every time I go in. He agreed to try and help with meals on the days I go in. So that should help. Its all about the planning and deciding beforehand. I’m not beating myself up about last night – I figure my body already did that enough. I’m just moving on and trying to do better in the future. Wish me luck.
Gotta go put the kids to bed and then get to sweatin’.
Just Really Quickly
K2 ate his oatmeal all on his own this morning! This is great! He used a kiddie spoon, and I made sure his oatmeal was pretty thick, and he did remarkably well. Not even very many spills down his front. I’m so proud of him, and this will cut down on the fights at breakfast when he doesn’t want me feeding or helping him. Getting to be a big boy!!
Going to the office this afternoon, so that’s all for now.
Quiet Afternoon
Church was good this morning. The kids enjoyed themselves in primary, and I got to listen to the lessons in my two classes, even though I didn’t hear much of the talks in sacrament meeting. After church we came home and had lunch and the kids watched 1.5 cartoons before I had P turn it off and put K2 to bed for his nap. He didn’t get one yesterday at all with all the excitement of having cousin A here all day. 2.5 hours longer than she was supposed to be here, by the way. But it wasn’t her mom’s fault, it was a holiday weekend at a military grocery store. Of course it was impossible to get in and out of there quickly.
I spent the afternoon yesterday first with both my parents and then with my mom and the kids. It was a nice day. Mom purchased us a couple things at the Vitamin Cottage that I found out is near our house, and I tried a Larabar Peanut Butter Cookie bar. Three ingredients and it was really good. The more I ate of it the more I liked it.
Anyway, back to today. There was a little b-day party for the boy across the street today but I didn’t tell P about it. I figured it is easier for her not to know what she missed than to try and explain at this point why we do and don’t do certain things on the Sabbath. I wish they’d had the b-day party on Saturday or tomorrow on the holiday afternoon so that I could have taken her, but it is what it is. Since she didn’t even know about it, she wasn’t upset. So hopefully it won’t be mentioned to her by the neighborhood kids that did get to go.
I colored with her for a while, read her some books. Then I spent quite a while on Facebook trying to locate friends from the past and cousins that I haven’t talked to for a long time. I sent out about 5 friend requests, so I’m excited to see if they accept me and if I sent them to the right people in the first place. 🙂 I also updated my profile with a new picture of me, taken with the webcam today. The epitome of recent. I was happy to see that I really don’t look that different than the 6 year-old engagement photo that I had been using. People keep telling me I still look the same, but I feel like such a different person that I always think I must look totally different as well. I also uploaded a bunch of pictures of the kids, some from P’s preschool graduation and some from just hanging around the house. I have already received a few comments on my profile pic and on the pics of the kids. Its nice to know someone’s paying attention. Its also cool to hear from people you haven’t talked to in years. I can see how people would waste a lot of time on Facebook. Before today, it had been a couple weeks since I’d spent more than a few seconds out there.
I made sweet potato fries, hamburgers, and steamed brocolli and cauliflower for dinner tonight. I had my hamburger on a low-carb-high-fiber tortilla with some string cheese and lettuce. K and the kids had theirs on wheat bread and seemed to enjoy them. The fries were really good – I love sweet potato fries I just don’t like making them. Stirring them while they cook in the oven always fries my face. No pun intended. Anyway, dinner was a little higher in calories than my typical dinner, so with a pudding for dessert I’m already at my desired limit of calories for the day, especially since I don’t work out on Sundays. I’m worried that after the kids go to bed (in about 20 minutes, I’m letting them stay up since K2 woke from his nap so late), I’ll get the uncontrollable munchies. Just gotta keep repeating my mantra – updated this morning – 198, 198, 198! I’m also considering taking a walk on the treadmill, about the speed it would be if the weather had been nice enough for a walk this evening outside. Still haven’t decided – mostly because I’m not sure I want to put on socks and my sneakers. 🙂
K2 took off his shirt (a new talent) and now he’s trying to figure out how to get it back on. If I reach out to help, he jerks away like – how dare you try to help me, woman! I can do this myself! So funny. Ok, now he’s given up and is moving on to other activities sans shirt.
Tomorrow morning is the Memorial Day breakfast for our ward at the church building. I’m excited because I invited my parents and most of the people in my ward don’t know them. So they’ll get to meet some folks that I talk about sometimes, and people in my ward will realize my parents are locals, too. I’m going to try to keep my intake reasonable – I’m hoping there will be fresh produce there and not just pancakes and syrup. Then later we’ll probably go to my parents’ house, whether K is awake to come or not. He got about 4 hours of sleep this morning, about 2 this afternoon. He’s absolutely wiped, the poor man.
Saturday Sleep and still in onederland
Yesterday, every time I wanted to mindlessly snack more than I should, I repeated the number in my head. 199, 199, 199. I didn’t want to mess it up and was just hoping that today I would weigh in at the same. 198.5 this morning, baby. Yeeha. So now I need to mantra that today, since it is a Saturday and there is always more potential for going off-plan on weekends.
Today I slept in until about 9:30. I woke up at 6:20 to go to the bathroom, and then didn’t hear another peep until 9:18, when I woke up surprised and startled. I didn’t hear K’s alarm, I didn’t hear him get up, I didn’t hear him get dressed or leave the room. Nothing. At 9:30 after dozing a bit more, P came into the room and we lounged for a few minutes before I got up to get dressed and we heard K2 start talking in his room. A few minutes after that there was a knock on the door, a pretty insistent one since it takes a bit for us to hear knocks upstairs. It was my SIL dropping off her little girl to play with P while she and my other SIL went to the commissary on Fort Carson. SIL gave me the choice of her borrowing a car seat for A or having A stay here and play. I opted for play, since I knew that’s what she really wanted. Now we’ll see if she lives up to her end by being her by about noon – she said she’d be gone for no more than a couple hours. We shall see.
K just got home, and it looks like I have less time than I thought I did before he has to leave for work this afternoon. So I’m going to cut this post short. Well, I guess I didn’t have much else to say anyway. 198.5!!
199!!!!!!
This morning I had a lovely incident with a bowl of oatmeal and berries. As I was pulling the bowl from the microwave, it slipped from my fingers, hit the counter and splashed the purple concoction over the front of the microwave, counter, and wall behind the microwave, and then it hit the counter with the other edge of the bowl and flipped toward the floor where it splattered all over the front of the oven, the floor, and projectiled UNDER the oven. Then the bowl came to a rest upside down and empty. Lovely. On the bright side, I guess it never hurts to be forced to pull out the oven and clean underneath, right? It took me 15 minutes to get all the goo cleaned up and the stickiness eradicated. And I probably missed a couple spots of purple. Ugh.
I just got finished eating the replacement bowl I had to make. Too bad a full cup of frozen berries was wasted on splattering my kitchen.
This next section is going to have to be in all caps, so prepare yourself.
I WEIGHED IN AT 199 THIS MORNING!!!!!! I was so surprised! I expected about 200.5 or something, since I’d previously not weighed in below 201. But 199!! Officially lost 31 pounds and am in ONEDERLAND! The last two days, I’ve eaten around 1450 calories a day and worked out hard. And here I am in onederland! Yeeha!!
Funny, since just yesterday I wrote how this would energize and motivate me even more and it does! I’m so excited to have a day of healthy, yummy eating within proper proportions. And work out hard tonight. It is Friday, which means we’re heading into the days when K’s working schedule isn’t quite as bad (by a small margin, but it makes a difference). It is entirely possible that over the next few days I’ll bounce back up into the 200’s, but this is a downward trend that I’m very excited about!
Next week I start working two afternoons a week instead of just one. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m just going to have to plan and take my food with me and dedicate myself to keeping myself in check while I’m out of my home environment. This also means I need to be more productive on M-W-F so that the housework doesn’t fall behind.
I really don’t have much else to say except …. 199!!
Hoping
If I went back over the past 3 weeks, I *think* I’d find that there are enough treat meals and binge evenings to average about 3 messed up diet days a week. I *think* that is why I’ve plateaued and am bouncing around between first 206 and 203 and now 204 and 201. I’m *hoping* that a consistent string of restraining-myself days will break me through this and start taking me down again. Below 200. I am so excited for the day I step on the scale and it says 199! I am just sure it will start a snowball affect of new motivation.
That said, I’m hoping that my running shoes hold up. And I’m hoping that I can keep from binging again anytime soon – or ever. I’m hoping that my intake is correct for weight loss. And that the fact that I can’t afford to join the Lean Eating Coaching Program by John Berardi that starts in a week isn’t a horrible set-back. I mean, I’d love to have a chance at the 10,000 dollar prize, but I can’t afford to fork out 600 bucks over the course of 6 months on the 1 in 100 chance that I’ll see some of that money returned. I have a list of bills sitting by my computer that I can’t pay, and I just can’t justify the LECP. I mean, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be able to even afford the food they’d tell me to eat after I paid to join the program!
So I hope that keeping within my recommended sparkpeople intakes is the way to go. For example, here is the macronutrient breakdown for today:
Calories: 1486
Fat: 39
Carbohydrates: 214 (a little higher than most days due to serving of lasagne for dinner)
Protein: 69 (little lower than normal due to said lasagne)
Fiber: 30
If there’s anyone out there reading that’s somewhat of an expert, does that sound like it’ll work? And I know pretty much no one is going to answer that question, so I’ll keep on keeping on and hope for an eventual response from my body.
Wednesday, May 20th
Yesterday, I had a good day. Got a lot done (see list on last post), ate the right things, though the day was a little low calorically. Worked out hard, even though I struggled to run with the weird digestion feelings I had going on (felt like I needed to go … you know, #2 …. but I already had and couldn’t anymore). Didn’t do a lot of weight work, just 2 sets of legs afterward. But still worked up a good sweat.
And then this morning I wasn’t down much, just to 202.5 from 203 yesterday. I have to admit I was disappointed. In my mind, one day should correct past problems, should take me down to where I want to be. I want quick results. 🙂 So now I need to dedicate myself to continuing to eat well and in reasonable proportions and continuing to work out – EVEN IF THE RESULTS CONTINUE TO BE SLOW. I don’t know what else to do besides what I’m doing. A friend of mine that’s never really had to lose significant amounts of weight (just pregnancy weight from two pregnancies), and she suggested mixing up my workouts, such as doing weights first before running or doing my weights in a different order, to jump start my muscles again from their possible boredom. I don’t know.
Today I have a list and I’ve done almost everything on it already. I’m going to make a simple lasagne for dinner tonight, since I don’t have to make it to take to a grieving widow like I thought I was going to have to. The kids and I went to playgroup, I’ve done some cleaning and the dishes. There are just a couple more things I want to get done today – and I want to get a good sweat on tonight. I might do T-Tapp again tonight to give my muscles a rest from running stress.
Going to the office tomorrow. Not excited about it, but I’ll be asking my boss if I can work a little more for a while.
I really want to push past this plateau. I’m also considering going back to week one of the LIFE diet. Haven’t decided yet – I’ll get my book back next week from the lady I lent it to. I’ll evaluate at that time.
Idle Hands
I find that the days I intend to accomplish things but don’t are the days I also tend to talk myself out of a good workout and into eating too much.
Yesterday was just such a day. I intended to get some cleaning done, to work out, to read my scriptures. I ran some errands and made a dinner for everyone and did some dishes, but I didn’t accomplish all that I’d intended to do, or even a fraction of it. And that feeling of inadequacy and failure led to an evening of an abbreviated workout and a binge. And then staying up way too late just doing nothing. It was sad.
I’ve got to have a plan. For each day. A plan of what I want to get done. And if those tasks have to give way to other, equally industrious tasks, that is fine. As long as I feel I’ve accomplished something. It is when I’m dissatisfied with myself that I act to make myself even more dissatisfied. Vicious cycle.
Today, I made a list. Since I got to sleep so late last night and was interrupted a couple times by P coming in with leg cramps and then again when K came to bed and had to move her back to her bed, I got up kind of late this morning. Since I hadn’t showered or washed my hair (future-me, don’t judge) since Sunday morning, I knew I needed to shower this morning. So instead of getting dressed I put on my bathrobe while I fed the kids and myself some breakfast. Then I went upstairs and did a T-Tapp BWO+ (15 min workout) in my underwear and tennis shoes – what can I say I’m a weirdo.
Feeling invigorated, I hopped in the shower, then got dressed and went downstairs to start on my list. This list consisted of
- Doing BWO+
- Showering
- Unloading the dishwasher, loading it again (I was behind on dishes), and starting it
Starting the dryer - Depositing funds in the bank, maybe doing a quick grocery trip
- Paying bills
- Cleaning all three toilets in the house
- Sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor
- Cleaning the sinks in the kids’ bathroom and the downstairs half-bath
- Unloading the dishwasher again
- Separating the chicken & hamburger into tinfoil and freezer bags to put in freezer
- Making dinner
- Working out hard
As you can see from the crossing out, I’ve accomplished most of what I set out to do today, and the day isn’t over. I feel so much better on days like these! I realize that not all days can be like this, and everyone needs and deserves down-time. But sometimes I give myself way too much down-time.
Since I have to start working two afternoons a week starting next week (if they have the work for me), I need to start planning and executing my daily plans better. Having a plan and making it happen is what keeps me on track with my diet and working out. Especially the diet.
Well, I guess that’s it for today. Tomorrow is playgroup in the morning and then Thursday morning is walking group (which I missed this morning due to my late night and sleeping in). Also office on Thursday.
Sunday, May 17th
Again, no clever titles come to mind.
Today was church. I had every intention of getting up early enough to make myself a fruit smoothie before leaving this morning, but after not being able to get to sleep until about 1 AM, it just didn’t happen. I did scarf down an Activia Light Fat Free Vanilla Yogurt, and I partook of some of the kids’ goldfish while at church. Needless to say I was pretty hungry by the time we got home.
I made a smoothie from a 1/4 cup of fat free dannon plain yogurt, a few drops of stevia, one kiwi, about 8 strawberries, and some water and ice. It was a bit too thin and the kiwi was ripe enough that it didn’t taste as good as it could have, but it was pretty tasty. But I wanted to chew on something so about an hour later I thought I’d have something else. I ended up doing something I’ve done before on a smaller scale and simplified. I had a small tortilla, one egg (cooked in the microwave so it cooked itself into a flat shape almost the same size as the tortilla), some spinach, and a sprinkling of mozarella cheese and salt and pepper. I lined the tortilla with spinach and then laid the flat egg on top of that with a little cheese and rolled the whole thing into a twist that was pretty cool looking when I bit into it. I haven’t cooked an egg in the microwave in a long time and I’d forgotten how easy and convenient it is. Next time I think I’ll spray the bowl first, though this one didn’t stick much even without the spray. I ate the wrap with a few baby carrots and now I feel quite satisfied.
My lesson today went okay. I wasn’t feeling it like I have in the past – I think that might be a reflection of my lazy scripture study lately. I haven’t really been looking for personal inspiration as hard as I was a few weeks ago, so that is something I’d like to improve on. This week will be another week of trying to adjust my schedule so that everything doesn’t have to happen at night after the kids are in bed.
My throat is scratchy today. I’m hoping that I don’t get a very bad cold – please let it be mild and not interfere with my routine. K2 is sick, but he doesn’t seem too miserable aside from being boogier and hoarser than normal. P is coughing a little at night but seems fine other than that. Of course, I’ve been giving them their vitamins and haven’t been taking any myself.
Not sure what else I’m going to do today. I’m kind of tired, but if I take a nap chances are I won’t be able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. So we’ll see. K2 is asleep, K should be home from work soon, and P is watching a recorded Sesame Street. There is a whole chicken cooking in the oven for dinner, though I don’t know how it will turn out since I did the seasoning and K was supposed to do that. Fingers crossed. Perhaps we’ll have some mashed potatoes with it, or baked potatoes. We need to use our potatoes for sure.
I went grocery shopping with my mom yesterday. I’m so grateful that my parents are in a situation such that I can prevail upon her for a few weeks’ of groceries when I need to – it is such a blessing that they can help me out like that. Yesterday was nice – good company and I didn’t have to compare prices and buy stuff I didn’t want as much simply because it was the cheapest. I didn’t go crazy, I mean she has a budget too, but it was nice to be able to get what I needed. Unfortunately, I already know of something that I got to try (never had it before) and I tried it last night and it really wasn’t good. I guess that will be the treat for when all the other treats are gone.
I’m going to be talking to my boss at work this week about starting to come in 2 afternoons a week instead of 1, IF they can use me that much. K has a plan that requires me working more for a couple months; I’m not excited about it at all. Funny considering I QUIT back in October so we could live on his check. For roughly 2.5 months, we saved my check almost entirely and now we’re back to depending on it, small as it is. Vexing to the extreme. I’m almost hoping that my boss tells me there isn’t budget for them to pay me for twice the hours (would be 8/week instead of 4/week); I don’t really know what to expect.
My eyes are getting heavier and heavier as I sit here so I guess a nap is looking more and more likely.
Comfy in My Skin 