One step at a time

September 17, 2010 at 10:40 am (Uncategorized)

So little-big D is 6 weeks old – almost 6 and a half. I think I’m finally starting to get a handle on her ways. I can remember that when we have a bad day where she either won’t sleep much and is fussy when she’s awake – that we’ll probably have a peaceful day the next day or the day after that. I’m learning that when I’m too tired, I lose it with the kids and generally hate my life. I’m starting to be able to imagine doing something besides nursing, nursing and more nursing. Reading, reading and more reading.

It helps that I just finished my last library book yesterday and there aren’t 6 waiting for me on hold at the library. For a while there I was doing the bare minimum of everything besides reading and nursing. The kids getting fed – barely. The apartment getting cleaned – barely. The laundry getting done – barely. But pay attention to the kids outside of feeding them and breaking up their fights – NOT. Cooking dinners – NOT. Exercising – NOT (still NOT). Playing with or at least setting the kids up to do something besides wrestle or watch TV – NOT.

I’m still working on all of this. I feel like I have more laundry that it is possible to keep up with – but I know that’s not true. I just need to get caught up and then continue to do at least one load a day. Sure, there’s more. D spits up A LOT and OFTEN. Almost every time she eats (per side) she pukes up something. Keeping her in dry clothes and blankets and burp cloths is a whole new level of difficult that the others never gave me because of all her puking and burping. And boy is she a burper. And a grunter. Good grief – she GRUNTS so much!! Its like she can’t poop or pee without hours of loud vocal shenanigans to lead up to it. Makes it hard to sleep with her in our room sometimes, believe me.

So, laundry.

I’ve made appointments for P to go to the doctor AND dentist week. Dentist for the first time ever, and doctor for the first time since her 4-year old check-up. She just turned 6 last week. I hope she doesn’t hate me after having her teeth scraped and getting a shot in her leg all in one week.

I made a menu for the week on Sunday and then spent Monday grocery shopping, and Tuesday afternoon as well. Even though that left us no money for bill-paying. And I’ve made dinner more this week than in the last few months probably put together. Ok, not that bad. But its been a LONG time since I’ve made dinner Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. With full plans of making it tonight as well. Keeping on top of the dishes.

I still have work to do with interacting with the kids. With cleaning the apartment (its not bad, but it could use some scrubbing right now). And with taking care of myself. I’ve been trying to shower more (sad, I know that I have to try), but my hair is an unmanageable mane right now. It needs thinning and trimming, but mostly thinning. So putting it in anything but a ponytail is hard, and even that gives me headaches. I still dress like a What Not to Wear DISASTER. And for the most part I don’t feel like I have much choice. The clothes that fit me are ill-fitting grubs that I should only exercise in. But I don’t have money for new clothes, and as soon as I lose some weight I have clothes that I could wear. I’ve been eating too much again this week. And exercise is still proving difficult to force myself to do. Walks with K2 and D are possible, but I have to lug the stroller and sometimes K2’s bike from our balcony, through our apartment, and down 3 flights of stairs to use them. Then load the kids up. And then, walking around our apartment complex is hardly scintillating scenery. I have been trying to talk myself into doing some T-Tapp here in the apartment, but so far the self-arguments haven’t been very convincing. I need to step up the persuasion factor though, because I feel like a fat icky blob most of the time. So I could use the endorphins.

I’m trying to be pleased with my progress this week. Planned dinners! On the table when K gets home from work! They’ve tasted good! Some laundry, not as much reading. Dishes done every day. Baby steps right?

So I hope to add something and make next week even better. Will it be some great play time with the kids? Walks every day? Or maybe at least 2 trips to a park in the afternoon for the kids to run, and I’ll do BWO+ in the apartment. I know I need to try and add just one or two things at a time so that I don’t relapse into barely functioning again like right after D was born. But I want to feel satisfied with my life again. Not resentful that I have to drop everything every 2-3 hours for the next year to feed my new daughter. Not resentful that I’m in this small apartment with 3 kids and no money -not even enough to pay the bills. Not resentful that I let myself get to huge again with this pregnancy and now have to REDO all the work I did to lose 40 pounds in 2009 (that’s self-resentment).

I need to become contentment in my life – and that means partially adding the things to my life that will make me content, but also realizing that there’s nothing wrong with simplicity and repetition. Lots of repetition. But its ok.

This post has been rambly and disjointed – but I think all my posts are that way. I didn’t record a lot of actual happenings, like our weekend in CO for Labor Day (friend’s wedding and D’s blessing and P’s early b-day party complete with bb gun target practice), P’s birthday here in UT at the park, her first day of school back in August, or when she took the keys to our apartment in with her to class and I had to drive back to the school and call her to the front office to get them. She cried – probably thought I’d be mad, but I just thought it was funny. Haven’t recorded all the times I’ve lost my temper in a bad way with the kids over the past month and a half. Haven’t recorded about going back to church on Sunday and meeting a couple of nice young moms that I probably won’t invest the time to become really close with. Recorded E’s visits – like the one two nights ago when she brought a bunch of her nieces clothes over for P to try on and keep what she wanted. Or that K came home last night and told me he’s had a stalker at work who he finally told that he’s got a family to so she’d stop calling the shop and asking him to ‘hang out’ while her divorce is finalized. …. on a side not with that one is it wrong that I’m jealous that no one is interested in me? I don’t want to be interested in – just to know that I COULD be. So messed up. …..

Guess I’ll wrap this up. Eating under control, exercising regularly, being a great mom, a great wife, and a great friend – all coming right up? Probably not. But the battle goes on.


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