List of Stuff I Should Write About – This is Getting to be a Habit

October 16, 2015 at 2:00 pm (Uncategorized)

1 – Pregnancy

2- Family reunion

3- Birth story of T

4- Zumba stuff

5- Hospital story of T getting mastitis

6- A-Niece coming to stay

7- K2 getting baptized, and T blessed in same weekend

8- K’s job worries, taking the state patrol test again summer 2015, missing it by 7 points

9- My seeming inability to get back on healthy bandwagon

10- New ward, new calling, new stake, getting released


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Waited Too Long, Again

November 21, 2014 at 3:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Man oh man do I suck at keeping a journal. I haven’t even touched this in over a year. Again. Seems to be a regular thing with me. Appears we will have to hit the highlights (or lowlights as the case may be) with bullets again. If I manage to come back more regularly I can give a more detailed, life-insightful entry.

1) In October of 2013, I got licensed to teach Zumba. This was a huge deal for me, and so outside my comfort zone its not even funny. The day of the licensing session was amazing, overwhelming and intimidating all at once. Getting up on that stage to do impromptu Zumba moves was NOT one of my favorite parts. But watching the instructor and her talent was. Hearing her insights and absorbing as much as I could has helped me to give good advice to my students, though I’ve learned so much since I started teaching. I did it predominantly so that I could teach here in town on Wednesday nights. Our teacher (my friend, Rebecca) had taken a position at a gym in Greeley on Wednesday nights that was supposed to be temporary over the summer, but turned permanent. I missed most of the Wednesday classes over the summer with her sub due to traveling and the miscarriage in August, but when the school year started and the sub couldn’t continue, and Rebecca’s position turned permanent, we stopped having classes here on Wednesdays. At the time, the class was really small, but those of us still attending didn’t like only having one class per week. From everyone’s encouragement, and knowing I had a position tailor-made for me, I did it, with intentions to only ever teach that one class Wednesday nights. I didn’t ever anticipate where its taken me. But I’ll get to that. I started teaching the Wednesday night class November 4, 2013. I was terrified. But it went well and over the past year I’ve learned a lot and gotten a lot more confident.

2) October 18, 2013 was our 10 year anniversary. We went to Steamboat Springs for 3 days and it was marvelous. We went hiking (in the snow, but it was still gorgeous), we went to Strawberry Park to the hot springs, where I lost my courage to stay after dark for the “clothing optional” time period. But we still loved it. It was so HOT in that water! Amazing nature. We took walks through town and day dreamed out loud about our plans and our past. We bought souvenirs and ate at the small local restaurants. It was a lovely break from our every day lives, and I can’t wait to do something like that again for the “big” years (maybe 15). So grateful to my mother for staying with the kids and taking care of everything here.

3) Halloween 2013 was the typical nonsense. I will never enjoy this “holiday”. The kids looked awesome. Looking through my pictures from that time period, for some reason they don’t have dates attached to the files. Argh! So if it isn’t obvious what was going on, there’s no way to tell when it actually happened. But the holiday pictures are pretty obvious. K got to trick-or-treat with us that year, and we hit our neighborhood and the other one here in town touted as “the” place to trick-or-treat. It was mayhem and they acquired way more candy than I would ever let them eat.

4) Honestly can’t even remember much about Christmas of 2013. And as I’ve done some photo and Facebook research for this post, I realized why. I was sick. I got horribly sick with the flu on Christmas Eve. We were at home, and I believe my parents were going to come up for the afternoon/evening. But they didn’t because I wasn’t the only one sick (the kids were getting over it). We had a gorgeous tree and we decorated the whole living room with lights and the nativity and stockings. We had homemade pizza for Christmas Eve dinner (a tradition I wanted to start, but hello, work for me). I’m surprised I managed it since Christmas Eve is when my fever started.

5) The beginning of 2014 was inauspicious. I don’t remember much about it. Only that it immediately started passing really fast. I was trying to get flyers out for our Zumba class to try and build it back up. The kids were doing school, and D was growing up. All the usual stuff. Oh, yeah, and in the beginning of January we took a fabulous trip to Pagosa Springs with my parents, my brother and his family. We got to see a whole bunch of cool stuff, hike in the snow, and go skiing courtesy of my brother, for two days. Oh my goodness P and K2 and I had a blast skiing. I hadn’t skied in 10 years, and I was scared but it was awesome. I’m so glad I let my bro convince me to try.

6) In February I turned 38. Whoa. We went out to dinner at Pinocchio’s (with the kids) and I wore my new boots with leggings in public, not dancing, for the first time. P got her ears pierced in March after passing off all the Articles of Faith at church and to her dad and taking a couple weeks to work up her courage. She was very diligent about following the after-care rules and keeping them clean. She didn’t get one infection in all the 6 weeks before she could switch them out. That’s her style, though.

7) In May I got hired to teach at Aims College in Greeley. The interview process was nerve-wracking, requiring an audition of sorts. I didn’t find out till afterward that I was their only candidate. 🙂 I was to teach Tuesday and Thursday nights through the summer term (2 months) for an hour and a half. I was super excited to be a “professor” at a college. 🙂 But as May progressed not enough people registered for the class (or other PE classes) and many (including mine) had to be cancelled. I found out mine was going to be cancelled right at the end of May, right before I had another miscarriage.

8) In the last week of May, I found out I was miscarrying another pregnancy. That makes 3 since D was born. Once, again, my body handled it. But I was, once again, devastated. We had gone in to have an actual check-up and then they took blood tests and a few days later I knew my pregnancy hormone levels were going down instead of up like they should  have been. Then it was just a waiting game to see if my body was going to handle business, or if I was going to have to have another surgery.

9) Not to skip past such a big event, but in that same week, we were moving into our new house. One block away. We were so excited to be moving. We got a great deal on the new rental, actually like the owners, and couldn’t wait to get out of the house we were in. The gross carpet, the flooding basement, the small kitchen, the funky smell. The new place was actually new. A house about as old, but completely renovated. New (refurbished, but still nice) everything. New floors, new paint, even new covers for the heat vents. New shower, new tile. Cupboards and appliances refurbished but still really nice. More space. Huge backyard (no grass back there yet). During the last week of May, K was working so I was packing up box after box, loading the Suburban up, and driving down the street around the corner to unload it into the new place, since it was empty and we’d already paid our deposit. I lifted as heavy and as much as I could, morbidly trying to get my body to actually finish the job of finishing the pregnancy that wasn’t going anywhere. I was so sad. So angry. SO ANGRY. That whole week. If I hadn’t had moving to occupy my time and thoughts, I don’t know where that week would’ve taken me. June 1st was a Saturday, and our official move-in date. That afternoon, after working with my great helpers all day getting the rest of the household moved, I started to have cramps. The pain got pretty bad late that afternoon, but to distract me my friend Kristy stayed over way longer than she had to, helping my unpack the majority of the kitchen, her husband coming in the evening to move the last 2 big pieces of furniture right around the time K got home from work for his days off. I was so sad, in pain, so angry, but I was so grateful for their help.

The next morning I didn’t go to church. I sat in my new living room in the sunshine in the cleanliness (surround by boxes) and cried. That afternoon the cramps worsened and I passed the majority of what I had to. It hurt. Bad. I cried. A lot. And this time, I stayed angrier than I ever have been before.

10) Over the next couple weeks as I recovered and unpacked and settled in (again, a good distraction), and as the kids finished school, the anger subsided. I signed the kids up for swimming lessons, and June 17th, I applied for another Zumba instructor position. I had heard they’d lost their instructor and was hoping to take over their Saturday morning class. But after applying, it sounded like they were interested in switching their M, W class to Tu and Th evenings, which meant I could teach those, too. It looked good, but I tried not to get my hopes up too much. I really feel like getting back to teaching and going to Zumba as soon as I was physically capable after the miscarriage helped me to recover mentally, emotionally, and physically faster than ever before.

11) I got the job. She didn’t even post the position because she was so excited about how I’d applied for it just from word of mouth before it was even public and for my enthusiasm. We agreed I’d start classes the last week of July, because we had a couple trips in the beginning of July and also I had girls camp with the YW in our ward in the 3rd week of July. Yes, I’d been called a few months before as Assistant Ward Camp Director. I was very excited about the new job, teaching 2 nights a week with the potential for a Saturday morning class in the fall. I was NOT excited about camp.

I missed some summer activities because of my distraction getting us settled in and recovering from the miscarriage. But I was proud of whatever I got done and tried to not be too hard on myself. And begged the childrens’ forgiveness when I forgot important stuff that they wanted to do.

12) Don’t remember 4th of July.

13) July 18 I went to Fitness on the Rocks with the friend that hired me at my new position and one of the other instructors. We had such as good time! Got lots of freebies and samples, did work outs on the bleachers and in the Zumba pit and did a great cross fit workout. Got more samples. Had great talk and got to know each other a little. It was very fun! I’m gonna go next year too. I had already dropped off the kids at my mom’s for the week of girl’s camp, so that night after I got back and showered I was free to just hang out solo, but a friend posted on FB that she wanted to do something so we went out to dinner and a movie (Hobbit 2). Good times! That friend has since moved away, so it was the last time we got to hang out.

14) Monday we left for camp. I drove a full Suburban of girls, and pulling a trailer. It was a fun drive, listening to music and singing. The camp site was beautiful. And we settled in for the dreaded week of camping, unplugged since I had no signal at all. It went well. Got to know some of the girls, went on a couple “hikes” (really slow walks, on a road), did some crafts, had some good food. Ate too much candy to pass the time. Slept HORRIBLY. Had some wonderful conversations with the other leaders, and learned some sign language from one of the leaders, who was deaf. Had some wonderful laughs, some annoying drama, and some trauma from those porta-potties that got so gross by the end of the week. All in all, I got through it none the worse for wear. But man was that shower great when I got home. I spend that night at home alone and drove down the next day after church to get the kids from Mom’s.

15) The next Tuesday I started teaching at my new job. Not a big turn-out, but its since gotten bigger and I’ve gained some confidence from the new challenge. I was so nervous that first night! Heck, that first month! Its getting easier. We started Saturday morning classes October 11, and that’s going well, also. Though it does put a damper on taking off for the weekend if we want to.

16) August, September, and October passed quickly. D’s 4th birthday, then P’s 10th birthday right after school started, then K2’s 7th in the beginning of October. In August I started Toning Tuesday back up. Its finally started to pick up this month (November). I’ve regretted it multiple times, but I think its a good thing over all. The kids didn’t have birthday parties, but they got to choose their birthday meal, and there was usually at least one b-day dinner at a restaurant. Uncle M sent $50 gift cards to Target so they had fun spending those. D started preschool in the end of August. She loves it, but unfortunately its a paid spot, so she only goes 3 days a week instead of 4. She’s learning a lot. Its only 2.5 hours, so I don’t ever manage to get much done while she’s gone. Next year with full day kindergarten is going to be so weird.

17) In early September we went to visit Uncle M in Arizona. It was a great 4 days! We saw so many great sights and had such a great time as a family. Grand Canyon, the Canyon where the natives lived on the cliffs, the native ruins, the gorgeous desert, and had a blast at the Safari park where we saw such magnificent animals like lions, tigers, bears, zebras, rhinos, giraffes, hyenas, etc. And got to hold a massive python that could have swallowed K2 whole. K2 all but laid down and cuddled up with the thing. So glad we got to see Uncle M and spend some quality time with him. While we were there, lizard-chasing was the main attraction for K2. He caught horny toad, but due to our lack of prep for keeping him, we convinced K2 to let him go. But only by promising he could have TWO for his birthday back at home. Said TWO are now in his room in a terrarium. One is hibernating under the sand (haven’t seen her in 3 weeks), or dead. The other one is sleeping more and more and might still hibernate. The kids change their names so much I have no idea what the current names are. Lizzy and Lark I think.

18) Mid-October, K made the agonized-over decision to return to BH to pump cement. They had called a couple months before to beg him to come back. I’ve never seen him so torn about a change in career before. He changed his mind like 4 times, along with quitting and un-quitting twice. And ever since he returned its been one big ego stroke for him. It makes me happy that they appear to be valuing him like he should be for his excellent work. The switch was kinda stressful as it caused a paycheck lag. But he’s getting good hours and really enjoying the work much more than he enjoyed the rig work as a floor hand.

19)  That brings us about to present times. We are still trying to figure out Thanksgiving plans for next week, but we’ll probably end up down the Springs for part of the week since K is off Tues-Thur. Christmas will be here at home with K probably working, and going to spend the 4 days afterward with my family. Two of my brothers are coming in to town for the weekend after Christmas. We are going to go skiing again! So excited about that. Probably Monday or Tuesday after Christmas. K won’t go, but he’s willing to take D in sled while he uses the new snow shoes he’s going to buy for himself. He just has no interest in ever trying out skiing. Weird.

Phew. Goal. Do this at least once a month, girl!!

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Summer Waining

August 10, 2012 at 7:55 pm (Uncategorized)

I never expounded on the list of events in that last post. It probably won’t happen. Let’s just get real here. 🙂

At this point, I’m probably going to have to do it again. Let’s start with my children.

P is all attitude these days. Summer vacation is drawing to a close – school starts in 4 days. Right now, she’s not pleased with me. Everything is “boring”. Reading is boring, math is boring, doing the dishes is boring, being forced to play downstairs in their rooms is boring. She has probably lost some of her math skill over the summer; I wasn’t diligent at all at having her read or having her do math. She will be in 3rd grade, and she already loves her teacher (one of the other 2nd grade teachers that is moving up to 3rd grade). I am determined that this year I am going to get to the school and do some volunteering so that I’m involved in her education. Her hair is growing out, its to her shoulders and she wants to cut it again but I’m not sure that’s a great idea. Its so pretty with lighter reddish streaks from all the sun time this summer. Her teeth are kind of a hot mess. Her permanent teeth coming in just don’t have enough room so they’re coming in crooked and behind each other. They are also a little white-streaked but kinda yellow. Makes me feel like I’ve failed her somehow. They’re not awful, but not great either. She’s still a beautiful young lady. She is turning 8 in a month, and is getting ready for her baptism – probably in November. The October baptism date for our ward is on the 13th, and K will be coming back into town that morning from Texas from a training for work. Having him arrive so last-minute makes me nervous, so I think we’re going to move it to November. She has the 1st two articles of faith memorized; we need to start working on the 3rd. I am her primary teacher at church – that’s an interesting change for me but I’m working on it.

K2. He is my trial and a joy at the same time. Such a loving, fun little boy. But so mischievous – and he DOESN’T LISTEN!! Oh, he drives me nuts. I will say, “go downstairs and look in the fridge for such-and-such.” He will go downstairs and turn circles in the middle of the room because he only listened to part of the instructions and doesn’t remember he has to look in the fridge. He loves his sisters so much. But he also harasses them to the point of insanity – doesn’t seem to understand “STOP!” He will be going into preschool at the school this year. Tuesday through Friday (the whole school is 4-day school week – weird – and we don’t get spring break), 8:15-11:15. I have to take him and pick him up, which is weird since it will take 2 minutes to drive to the school, and I send P on the bus at 7:30 to the same place. Hmmmm. Makes me wonder how important the bus ride is – she’d have more time at home to get ready if I just took them together. He is so excited to be going to school, and I just know he’s going to do well. He’ll be in the class with his little best friend that lives right next door. We finally got a good caricature of him at Casa Bonita today when we went to celebrate D’s birthday. We got one of him and of D. So much better than the freaky caricature we had done there by a different “artist” almost 3 years ago.

And D. It was her 2nd birthday last Saturday. She is adorable. So stubborn. Attitudinal. Very tall for her age (been wearing 3T stuff for a while). Still blonde with blue eyes. So we have a redhead with hazel eyes, a brown haired brown eyed boy, and a blonde with blue eyes. She has a lot more words now, but she doesn’t talk nearly as well or as much as P and K2 did at this age. I try not to worry about that, especially since she seems to understand most everything just fine. Even if she doesn’t want to comply. She says “thank you” as “tattoo”, “teeth” has evolved into “tee” and “cheese” is “chee” and “please” is “eee”. “Sorry” is “Ahwee”. She says all the little neighbor kids’ names really well, but has a hard time with her siblings’ names. Relationships are important to her and she often assigns strangers the designations of “momma”, “dadda”, “baby”. Toys, too. Big ones are parents, little ones are babies. She still takes naps, but sometimes if there’s too much going on and we’re out and about, she doesn’t get one. Craaaanky ensues. She loves to be read to, and often demands it by tossing books in your lap like missiles and yelling “weee” (read) with a bob of her head and raised eyebrows, like “woman, you should have been doing this already without me having to ask!” She is going to drive me nutso when both the kids are in school. I’m not looking forward to that part of it.

I AM looking forward to the enforced routine of the school year. The summer has been a manic play-session with neighbor kids, rarely planned dinners, gardening, swimming, and HEAT.

My garden had pretty good results. We got carrots, green beans (just this last week), corn, lots of squash and squachini (squash/zucchini hybrid I managed to make) that are still producing, corn, raspberries, spinach. It is an overgrown jungle now since I kinda lost interest after the more delicate plants were harvested. The squash plants are still producing, as is the corn and green beans. But, hello, jungle, the rest. I did not enjoy weeding since I never seemed to be up early enough to do it before the heat set in. I don’t think we’ll be in this house for planting again next year, a shame since I learned a lot this year with my first garden ever.

I have done a few more fitness events. The Sailin’ Shoes 5K in the Springs on June 16th. My time was …. oh my gosh I can’t remember my time. It was somewhere in the vicinity of 36:20, or close to it. It was a great race, though I stopped to tie my shoe about 5 blocks from the finish. Um, dumb move. I think I would have beat 36 minutes if I hadn’t done that. I hadn’t gotten much sleep because of sleeping with D in my mother-in-law’s bed the night before. She’s a bed hog. Anyway, my mother came with me and then I went back and spent more time with K’s aunt and uncle who were in town from Arizona. His aunt is fighting cancer and isn’t sure she’ll win so she was trying to see as much of the family as possible. We were there with them Friday and Saturday. It was so fun, and D was in love with Uncle M from the instant she met his boisterous, loudmouth self.

On July 21st, I did Fitness on the Rocks at Red Rock with my friend A. I was unfortunately fighting a UTI that day, which sucked rocks. But the event was awesome and FREE, and I will be doing it again next year barring a catastrophe. Its a huge fitness concert – I did 3 classes. Zumba, Turbokick and a body conditioning boot camp at the end. It was so hot, the benches burnt our hands for the push-ups, and we were both so sore we were having trouble sitting down on the toilet for a couple days, but it was worth it. We went to Golden afterward, exhausted but full of endorphins. We ate at Whole Foods and went to a movie and then headed home. It was great.

July 28th, I did a 5K mud run with my MIL, SIL, and her two teenage daughters. I proceeded on the third obstacle to sprain my ankle pretty badly, and I’m still recovering. It was a tire obstacle, football-player style, and I caught my foot and hit hard, twisting my ankle something fierce. I’ve had some panic about not being able to work out normally, but I’m almost back to full-use, which is a relief. The mud run was pathetically lacking in mud. I won’t do one again, though, even if it promises tons of mud. Too much risk of injury, which screws up my plans for weight loss and fitness.

I have been “training” my friend J. Most recently (since my injury and since she got her kids back from her ex for the school year) we haven’t been as gung-ho, but she quit Curves so she could work out with me and I have made her almost barf and almost cry quite a few times. Not that I’m trying to, but our fitness levels are very different, as are our strengths. I still love zumba, and hope to return to full-impact at it on Monday night. It might be returning to Platteville from Johnstown, which would be great for me since that puts it a 2 minute walk away. I’ve considered getting my personal trainer certification or becoming a zumba teacher, but I haven’t committed to anything yet.

I’ve discovered some great recipes this summer. Chickpea blondies that kids and most adults love. Zucchini bread pancakes that are great. Black bean brownies are a norm around here. And I’ve discovered some things to do with quinoa that rock. Along with my typical granola bar sprees.

K still hasn’t gone to 12 hour shifts, but his hours are pretty consistent. We’re still living paycheck to paycheck but we suck at managing our money. I despair of us ever getting a handle on it.

I’m pondering some major life changes. No moves or tragic family stuff. Just some habits of my own that I’m trying to change and improve on that I think impact my life and my family’s life. It all feels very deep and dramatic to me inside my head, but it probably isn’t that big a deal in reality. But the distraction of working on these mental problems throws me off my eating-right game, and I’m struggling to get back in the zone. I’m hovering between 189 and 185. I’d love to get below 185 and stay there and keep going down. I have high hopes for the routine of the school year getting me back to the weight loss.

We celebrated D’s birthday today by going to Casa Bonita. It was a fun time. She was a little traumatized by the talking on the microphone, the echoing acoustics in there, and the dark ceilings at first. But she got the hang of it. We got some great caricatures of her and K2 and had some fun in the arcade. Someone handed us a wad of tickets that helped us cash in for a couple lame prizes in the arcade, and the food was mediocre as usual. But it was worth it for the caricatures for $3 each, plus $4 in tip. We had strawberry creme pie (Edwards brand) for cake with 2 candles. She blew them out like a trooper. And then we opened her presents from a KMart stop on our way home – a Mr. Potato Head, a little horse that you squeeze the tail and the mouth opens with noise and there’s a flashlight in there. And a bouncy ball. No biggie, but she’s entertained.

Got the other 2 birthdays coming up, one in September in and one in October. Going to do a balloon avalanche into their rooms on the morning of – something fun I saw on Pinterest and I’m actually going to follow through! Ha!! Not sure what else we’ll do for those 2 birthdays but I’m determined to have a plan more firmly in place than we did for D’s. I suck at that.

Become really close to A and J, my neighbors and friends. Love hanging out with them – they probably hate how I just come over (often with my kids) and hang out and don’t leave. Gosh, that sounds awful. I’m pretty sure I’m not overstaying my welcome and things will change as school starts and the rhythm of homework and activities changes for all of us. But its been a great summer.

I’m hoping to run the Platteville 5K on Harvest Days a week from tomorrow, and hoping my parents can come up for the festivities since K will be working. Later in the month, K is going to Ohio for a court date for his sister’s custody battle. School for P starts the 14th, for K2 the 21st. Its going to take a few weeks before I get used to them not having school on Mondays. But it could be cool – a day for activities and such. 3-day weekends!

I’m hoping with the changing habits that I mentioned above, I will be writing more often and won’t have so much ground to cover. I’ve said that before, so we’ll see.

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January 4, 2012 at 5:50 pm (Uncategorized)

Holidays. Over. Again. Yesterday, we took back our living room. The kids helped me put away the tree & room decorations and then I hauled the tree out to the garage for K to take out of the stand when he gets a chance. 

Our holidays were really good this year. I managed to come out of my bummed out funk I’d been in since Thanksgiving, we got the kids some fun presents, and we spent some good quality time. Christmas Eve, which was a Saturday, the kids and I tidied/cleaned the house, and then we made cookies. Two batches even, which I don’t believe I’ve ever done before in one day. We made craisin/oatmeal (some with white chocolate), and peanut butter/milk chocolate chip. They were both really good and I’ll probably use both recipes again. Especially since I now have a STAND MIXER!! Yeeha! It was a present from my parents and my older brother/his family (they had us for Christmas, though I didn’t expect anything so elaborate in addition to the tree skirt, calendar, and movie they got us). 

Anyway, it was enjoyable making the cookies with the kids, and sampling the dough (the best part IMO) & being together. Then, I got the “fun” part of baking them, batch after batch. Whoohoo. I also spent a good deal of time on Christmas Eve wrapping, since I never get it done before then. I also marinated the steaks we were going to have on Christmas day.

K had to work, but he was home by early evening. Christmas morning, he was still on call, but we went to church at 11, miraculously making the kids wait to open any presents except one present from their stockings. When we got home, we changed clothes and then my parents arrived & we got down to the serious business of opening gifts. The kids had a great time, and D was fascinated by everything that was unwrapped. I had put in the scalloped potatoes before church, I shredded the cheese and sliced the potatoes using my food processor – such a time saver!! I’d never made scalloped potatoes before, so I was so glad when they turned yummy and CHEESY! We had steaks cooked (overcooked a little) in the oven, broccoli & carrots cooked with butter & chicken broth, and the potatoes. King Hawaii rolls and carbonated juices finished off the meal. First time I’ve ever made an entire holiday meal myself and I was pleased. I would only change the length of time I cooked the steaks – they were tender but a little dry from cooking a little too long. I decided our Christmas meal tradition is steaks. 🙂 

K got called in to work right as we were sitting down to eat at 4. So he ate with us and then had to leave. We spent most of the rest of the evening on Skype to my various siblings and their families since Mom and Dad were here at my house and wanted to talk to everyone. It was a great day considering K wasn’t guaranteed any time to be here at all. Good food, good company, and fun gifts. My mixer was the highlight for me besides seeing the kids’ happiness.  

The week passed with much overeating of cookies and leftover potatoes. 

We left for the Springs Friday about midday and spent the next couple days hanging out at K’s mom’s with his family. New Year’s Eve we had a breakfast feast of bacon, eggs, sausage, stuffed french toast, hashbrowns. Then we played games – a wild bunch they are. Much time was spent on “electronics” since K’s mom has a new phone, a new Kindle Fire, and one of the nieces had a Fire as well. 

We came home on Sunday by way of stopping by my parents’ house to say hi and check out the damage from their flood right before Christmas. The only thing I can say is I guess its at least good they have no kids there now, cuz I can’t imagine being so cheerful about the situation/mess with 3 little ones underfoot. 

P went back to school today, so we are officially back to normal. I walked K2 to the library for a story-time that apparently wasn’t technically scheduled, but they were nice about the 4 kids that showed up and winged one for them. Went walking some more with my friend, J and her dog (of course I had D with me the whole time in the stroller). I’m sore from my weights and running yesterday (first time on treadmill in over a month). Went to Zumba Monday night and hoping to go back tonight. If K doesn’t get back in time to watch the kids, I’ll just have to run on treadmill again. 

Made a checklist to keep track of my daily goals. I printed four, to try the checklist for 4 weeks and then evaluate what I’d like to add or detract. So far so good. I’m trying to reestablish my healthy habits of eating produce, exercise, and getting more sleep. I am trying to cut way back on my reading, so I only read after the kids go to bed, and sometimes while I eat my meals during the day. Hoping cutting back on the reading & trying to stay busier during the day will help my depression & motivation.

I made checklists for the kids, but I don’t have any printer paper left. Something to add to the grocery list. 

Hoping to buy a car here in the next few weeks. 

I guess that’s about it.

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Feeling a little more festive

December 7, 2011 at 11:27 pm (Uncategorized) ()

Today I got a bee in my bonnet. We don’t have a tree yet, and we won’t get one until next Monday or Tuesday after payday and when K has days off. But I was listening to Christmas music today and had just finished reading a Christmas-themed book, and I decided it would be pretty to string the tinsel (which I hate putting on the tree) around the walls of our living room. I used thumbtacks and festooned it around (can festoon be a verb?). It looks pretty, if a little uneven in the way I draped it. I also cleared off the top of the DVR and computer (2 of the few horizontal surfaces that D can’t reach), and displayed the 5 snowman decorations that I have. Cleared the banister (the only other high-enough horizontal surface) and displayed the Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus pieces of our nativity, along with the donkey. I figured that putting the wise men and shepherd and camel in the display would be a little silly looking since they’d all literally have to be lined up on the banister by the front door, not gathered around Jesus like they’re supposed to be. I hung up the advent activity calendar that my SIL made us a year ago, and opened our first activity today: dance and sing to Christmas music. Then we forgot to actually follow through.

I like that there are some visual reminders of the time of year now around the house and that we don’t have to wait for a tree to start “feeling it”.

Other than that, I made a salmon, sweet potato fries, and steamed broccoli/cauliflower dinner. Made another batch of yummy granola bars that I’m going to do my best to ration, since the last 2 batches have been so irresistible to me that I’ve eaten them almost single-handedly and much to fast (maybe that was PMS? I can hope). Folded 3 loads of laundry. Exercised. And showered. Now I have a menstrual headache and should probably go to bed. It would be a huge change of pace to go to bed at 10:30 for once, since midnight or later is my norm these days. Ah, to be recording the mediocrity of my life again.

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Bad form

June 14, 2011 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

Wow, that was bad form leaving such a negative post up for almost 3 months. Yikes.

So I was in a bad place back in March apparently.

Things have gotten better since then. I’VE gotten better since then. I’m still not perfect at anything, but the striving is no longer throwing me into a pit of despair. I still haven’t lost weight, I’m still not a perfect housekeeper, mom, or wife. But I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can do. My kids are taken care of, if they do still watch too much Netflix. My family is fed, sometimes more from just having food in the house provided by my husband’s job than anything I might do. We are clothed, we are paying our bills almost completely on time and in full. K’s hours are still sporadic and he’s applied for some other jobs, but we’re hoping he’ll get to stay on at his current job. He’s submitted a letter of “concern” about some of the managerial problems that are leading to folks not getting hours, and hopefully we’ll be able to hold on at this job until they make some changes.

We are still in the small, small town in northern CO. But we’re liking it. We have some small complaints about our house, but I’m seriously considering trying to stay here in this town even our lease is up. The library is having a fun reading program for the month of June that includes weekly crafting activities. The community center is having sports camps, a dance camp, and I am attending Zumba on Monday and Wed nights whenever K is here to watch the kids. $3 per class. It is really fun, its a great workout (even without me being an expert dancer or knowing the routines), and I’m meeting some ladies in town. Ok, only one lady so far, but its good to get my face out there.

The depression I was suffering from hasn’t completely alleviated itself, but its better. I’ve been reading a lot – mostly YA novels that are completely removed from reality, but fun. I made a decision a couple weeks ago to stop putting books on hold and just read what I had coming and then take a reading hiatus for a little while. I now have 1 more book on hold at the library and I haven’t read a book in 3 days, the kind of pause that hasn’t happened in months. I’m trying to think of ideas of how to interact with the kids some more besides feeding, bathing, and squiring them around. The idea of doing “projects” is completely daunting to me, but my mom had the ideas of having reading time more regularly (they usually read books before I get up in the morning now that its summer). Also of turning the sprinklers on outside – something that hadn’t occurred to me since I forget about the automatic sprinklers here at this house. We’ve been trying to have FHE, but its been sporadic at best since K hasn’t been super-supportive of that effort.

We went on a “hike” on the Poudre River trail last week with some moms from church. It ended up being an unseasonably cold day and wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped, but it was still a good outing. At least for the older two kids. They got to spend some time with kids from Primary outside of church, and I got to know a couple of moms a little better.

I have felt recently like I need to do better to try and better myself. To learn, to grow, and become a better person, wife, and mother. I have no idea where to start really. I think I’m going to start with returning to reading the scriptures every day with the kids, whether K is here or not. I’d like to add my own personal scripture time as well. Daily established reading time with the kids when I read to them, and listen to P read. Maybe daily art-time as well, though K2 isn’t really interested in coloring most of the time. We played “cars” for a while together yesterday but I got bored way before they did. Ha. I’m going to try and set a timer for TV time and limit it to 2 hours a day. That’s probably a lot less than what they watch now, though I’ve not timed them.

I still haven’t lost weight. I’m trying to contain my eating a little better so that the Zumba twice a week will actually make a difference. A new friend in our ward moved in down the street and she goes to Curves. She’s invited us once (we couldn’t go) to go with her – she would watch the kids at the park across the street while I do my 30 minutes, and vice versa. Her kids are living with their dad for the summer elsewhere, but will be back shortly before school starts. Her middle daughter is P’s age, and will be in P’s grade, so I hope they become fast friends. That is, if I end up liking her. Yes, sometimes there are small children that I can’t stand. I’m a horrible person.

In the end of July, we’re having a family reunion on my side of the family. All my siblings haven’t been in the same spot in 12 years – there’s been at least 1 of us missing at each big occasion. My sister will probably only be there for a day, because they’ll be moving cross-country from CA to FL with their three kids and newborn baby (due in 2 weeks). They will only be stopping by for maybe one night, and even that’s not for sure yet. My little brother is bringing his girlfriend (Its serious I guess), and my other two brothers will be there for a week. We will be taking a family photo, which should be incentive to try and look my best. Chances are I can’t lose all the weight I need to lose in the next 5 weeks (hello – 80 pounds!), but I can try and look a little less she-let-herself-go by then. I haven’t really figured out my plan yet except for limiting night-time snacks to one, limiting meals to 3, and eating more fruits & veggies than pasta and butter with parmesan cheese. 🙂

D is crawling now and has been crawling for a couple of months. She’s on the go. She’s also pulling herself up and can almost balance in a standing position for a second or so. She moves along furniture, and wants to be in the center of everything. At 10 months old, she is still nursing a lot, but also eating 2 or 3 meals of brown rice, veggies, and fruits. Sometimes whatever dinner we’re having if it is mushable.

She has a cold right now, so she’s kinda miserable with me wiping her nose every little bit. She’s wearing 18-month clothes and is very tall. She is very loud and bossy, even with no words in her repertoire.

K2 is still pushing all my buttons. He is also a cutie still. P is the peacemaker, and the instigator at the same time. She plays with her little brother even when she probably doesn’t want to, and is very good to him. She’s a great older sister, even though she has her irrational crazy moments.

K and I don’t get much time together. I can’t even remember our last date. We didn’t go out for my birthday or his – trying to wait until we had the finances to make it not so unwise. I think our last date might have been our anniversary last October. Eesh. I spend a lot of evenings alone – often when he’s not working he still has to get to sleep in case he gets called in during the night. I get so used to being alone, its almost weird when he’s here to hang out with me after the kids go to bed. We only have one car, but usually unless I already know I’m going to need the car, I don’t like to take him to work because there’s no telling when I’ll have to load the kids up and go get him. It is getting hotter out, and with all the mosquitos here, I am having to fight my urge to hole up in the house because the kids need to get out. Probably need to go the earlier the better for walks or to the park. D is hard to contain, cuz she can’t play at the park, but she doesn’t want to just sit with me either.

Anyway, I haven’t had breakfast yet today and the kids want to use the computer to listen to some music. Oh – I have a smart phone now which is a lot of fun.

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March 30, 2011 at 2:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m just so ANGRY. Mad, enraged, ANGRY.

The toilet overflowed. All over the bathroom. D is super-fussy today, and the other two, P and K2 keep asking me for things. Like gum. I’ve said no I don’t know how many times. NO GUM. And they keep asking. The house needs to be cleaned and I can’t find the motivation to DO anything. It feels like I’m moving through quicksand. Or gum. We need groceries, and we don’t have any money. AGAIN. We spent a wonderful day at a friend’s house yesterday, enjoying all the things they have that I WANT and can’t afford to buy. Stupid little things like a good, healthy supply of coconut oil or fancy rices. And bigger things like a Vitamix. A bigger house. A fancier phone. Cable. Dumb, dumb, dumb to be jealous, but I AM.

Then we come home. To our stinky rental that we can’t afford to have the carpets cleaned in. Where my kids want GUM. NO GUM!!!!! I should have seen the signs of the anger building, but I didn’t. I was trying to be proactive about at least ONE thing and make dinner in the crock pot around midday. The kids had just had a granola bar but they kept bugging me for something else. Oh, maybe some GUM??? Can’t you just wait until I get done here? D is crying. I don’t know what she wants. But I stop making dinner to try and feed her some of the fabulous baby food my friend helped me make yesterday. D likes it. But since I can’t afford a FREAKING HIGH CHAIR in order to properly teach my daughter how to eat solid foods, I have to hold her in my lap and hold her arms. And she twists and turns and fights me, even though I know she wants the food. Anger, building. Fine, no more food for you. I wipe her off and put her down, and she won’t stop crying. The kids, asking me for something I don’t even remember what. I send them downstairs. I finish dinner, all with D crying. Her diaper’s clean, she shouldn’t be hungry, she just took a nap. She just wants to be held, or maybe to nurse, but I’m BUSY dangit! I finally pick her up as soon as I can (hold her for a while trying to cut veggies one-handed doesn’t work). Then I go in the bathroom to find that K2 has BROKEN the towel rack, probably by hanging on it. He’s put the towel on the toilet, because he can’t hang it back up. Did any one tell me the thing was broken? No, I had to find it.

I LOST IT. K2 got spanked and sent to the corner when he finally admitted to hanging from the towel rack. But I couldn’t seem to stop yelling. SO ANGRY!!! So I sent him downstairs. Still holding D, still ANGRY. So I went downstairs to ask him what made him think he could hang on that thing, and found his room littered with socks and clothes I swear from just the last day. I’ve told him and told him and told him to put them in the dirty laundry basket in his room. More yelling while he cleans up. Then I found something to yell at P about. FOUND something. Like I was looking for an excuse. I sent them both to bed, stormed back upstairs, barely managed to hold still long enough in my anger to nurse D to sleep. Calmed down a little, but still ANGRY. Went back downstairs after putting D down to see what was happening in the quiet. They’ve both gone to sleep in their beds – scared of the scary screaming mom. I can apologize and they’ll say its ok. But its not. What is my problem?

Everyone wants something from me! And there IS NO ME. I swear I don’t even feel like I have a personality anymore. The kids constantly need something. Food, nursing, holding, reading, playing, more food. Snacks. Can we do this? Can you do this? Can I have some? I want, I want, I want, I want. When K is here, he either wants to have sex, or I’m supposed to be making dinner (that’s not entirely true or fair to him, but its how I’m feeling today). Even when no one is asking anything of me, I’m SUPPOSED to be doing something. Cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the floors, sweeping, organizing the paperwork, paying the bills, doing the laundry, making supper, or breakfast, or lunch, or snacks.

I’m lost. I’m gone. There’s nothing left of ME, and no one has even noticed.

How, how HOW am I supposed to LOSE WEIGHT on TOP of all of this? How do other women DO it? I don’t UNDERSTAND????!!!! what is wrong with me??

People we’ve met through church want to invite us over for dinner, or lunch, or whatever. To get to know us. Which would be nice, if I weren’t crazy. And gone. How can I let anyone get to know me when THERE IS NO ME?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. My faith should be getting me through this. Well, obviously I suck at having faith, too. Fits, since I suck at everything else that I’ve chosen to be. Sucky mom. Sucky wife. Sucky housekeeper. Just sucky.

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Things I need to write about but don’t want to tonight

March 14, 2011 at 10:10 pm (Uncategorized)

1) Trip to hospital with D Wednesday night last week: reasons, what happened there, my follow-up, and how the appt goes on Wednesday this week at her new pediatrician’s office to follow-up.
2) My trouble setting into a productive routine here at new place – and trying to blame it on hubby’s job.
3) K2 wiping boogers on his bedroom door.
4) K2 asking us “why don’t we just use the GPS?”
5) P loving to use the word “vivid” now that she knows what it means.
6) P saying she hates school, because all they do there is LEARN (said like a bad word).
7) Going to our new ward Sunday for the first time.
8 ) My new exercise DVD.
9) My longing desire to own a Vitamix.
10) Story-time at library. This hasn’t happened yet, but I’m committed to taking K2 to it tomorrow morning, so I will have to write about this when I decide to eventually write a real post.
11) My self-improvement cards. How should I handle tackling all that?

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In her swing

February 23, 2011 at 5:25 pm (Uncategorized)

And I think D has her thumb stuck in a binky that she is playing with. She put her thumb in it to chew on it & her thumb, and now I believe she doesn’t know how to get it off. She also looks super tired. Blinking really slow with her red-rimmed eyes. Whadya wanna bet if I put her in her crib she’d still find the energy to scream for 30 minutes before giving in to it?

The kids are running around in their post-P’s-arrival-home-from-school craze. They are shooting a nerf gun at the walls and fighting over whose turn it is to go next.

I have spent the afternoon organizing. Moving kids’ clothes from chest of drawers to chest of drawers. I think I have them all in the right piece of furniture now. Moved D’s clothes upstairs so it will be easier to change her now when she explodes yellow mustard poo all over the place like she did last night. K2’s clothes are in the dresser in the bottom 3 drawers that he can reach, but it is still in the main room until I vacuum his room out. P’s clothes are in the built-in drawers in her closet. Most of K’s and my clothes are hung up/put away in our closet. Coats are hung in D’s closet since they don’t all fit in the coat closet by the front door. Some boxes are stored in D’s closet, some in K2’s closet, and some in P’s closet. Book boxes are stacked next to D’s crib. Not attractive, but I don’t know where else to put them. If I put them in the laundry room/storage room there is a risk of flooding if something breaks or leaks. Everything I’ve stored in there is off the floor on the built-in shelves or I’ve put the rubbermaid containers on the floor with more vulnerable stuff on top.

So, left to do. Hmmmm. The garage. There are some things I need to bring in from there, mostly to store in the laundry room. Cleaning supplies (of which, we have a LOT) will stay in the garage, but the shelves out there need to be cleaned so I’ll have to rearrange and clean as I go. There are various other things out there that need to be put here or there inside the house. Not too much of any one thing, though. I am not looking forward to cleaning out there. It is going to be a messy, dirty job.

Well, D has decided she’s had enough of her swing. I will try and feed her and see if I can get her to take another nap in her crib. Wish me luck.

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Getting there

February 21, 2011 at 4:44 pm (Uncategorized)

So I’ve sanitized this place up one side and down the other. Today, I finally tackled the last big-ticket item: the downstairs main-room floor. Cement, painted like a checkerboard, and looked like it had been mopped with dirty water right in the middle. The rest looked like it hadn’t been mopped at all. It took me almost 2 hours, but it is clean now. My knees and shoulders are sore – it was a dang good workout. 🙂 I couldn’t have gotten it done all in one go if K hadn’t been here, so I’m grateful that he hadn’t been called in yet so he could take care of D. She’s fussy – maybe getting another tooth – and doesn’t want to take naps.

Anyway, that was a great way to spend my birthday morning. 35 years old today. That just sounds so much older than 34, officially “mid” 30’s. I’m a little freaked out by it. Oh, well. Can’t do anything about it.

So yeah, so far this birthday has sucked. I spent the morning cleaning up some other family’s dirt and pet feces (seriously I’m pretty sure some of those specks on the floor in the washroom down there were caked on poo), and then this afternoon just as I was considering moving on to something fun, my husband got called into work. Don’t get me wrong, he needs the hours. But it still kind sucked. So D finally went down for a nap, the kids are playing in “their” basement now that it is clean, and I am writing a birthday post. Such as it is.

The only things left to do are wiping out P’s closet shelving unit and washing the floor in the entryway. Then, unpacking has to become the priority instead of cleaning. I’ve unpacked some things in the process of cleaning (such as the kitchen), but mostly I’ve been cleaning.

Found out today that if we want to try and get the carpets more clean, we’ll have to pay for it. And I think it just has to be done. So that’s gonna cost a couple hundred and I want to do it soon before things are more settled. Maybe I can get someone out here on Friday, K’s next day off.

Tomorrow, P goes to her new school, and this little mini-vacation that we’ve taken off from everyday life will be over. I’m nervous for her; I’m sure I’ll be even more nervous tomorrow morning. I wish I could do it for her. Not school, but the meeting people, getting comfortable, making friends – all over again. I feel for my shy little girl. She’s so amazing – I hope her new peers can see that.

Tomorrow, our property manager is also coming out to tackle a couple of problems. Like the backyard covered in dog poop and kitty litter, the sink w/ the non-functioning garbage disposal.

Well, I guess since there’s no festivity going on around here, I might as well go unpack or clean something else. Later.

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