December 23, 2008 at 12:55 pm (Uncategorized)

Don’t really want to gross anyone out. But since it has been about 22 years since I’ve had a bug that actually made me puke, I thought I should document it. Yesterday morning, P came in my room at 6 AM saying her tummy hurt, and then proceeded to puke standing by my bed, and then some more on the top of the toilet in my bathroom as I tried to get her in there and puking in the appropriate receptacle. I changed her pajamas and put her back to bed. She came in my room and climbed in bed with me shortly after 7, and then around 7:30 she puked on my pillow, and then spattered puke everywhere as I swung her out of bed and toward the bathroom. And then she got a little of it actually in the toilet. Yay for small miracles.

After that I decided more sleep was unlikely considering my side of the bed was considerably wetter than it had been a few minutes previous. So we both got dressed and went downstairs, where I rocked her to sleep in the easy chair while making an appointment for her at the doctor’s. And then canceling it a few minutes later when I realized I’d have to pay $85 on the spot since I don’t have insurance anymore. $85 I didn’t have. After that, I laid down on the couch for some sleep of my own while she snoozed on in the chair.

About 11, I figured I should probably check on K2 and see if he wanted some breakfast. He hadn’t made any noise or squawked while I was downstairs with P, but I knew he must have woken up, even if he’d decided to go back to sleep. So I went and got him up and fed him breakfast, a really big one because he was understandably hungrier than normal.

The rest of the day was uneventful, except in the afternoon I started feeling squeamish myself. I hadn’t eaten much all day, just kind of had a bite of this or that. At first I thought I was just so hungry for something nutritious that I was feeling sick. So I kept trying to eat small portions of stuff. But it didn’t help. By the time K left for work at 5:30, I was feeling downright nasty. Every time I moved, picked one of the kids up, or bent over, the queasiness got worse.

K had made a roast in the crock pot that wasn’t done in time for us to eat before he left. It was supposed to be done at 6:30, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to eat it. And the kids didn’t seem to want it anymore than I did. I made some scrambled eggs, thinking that would fill K2 up at least, and P had some too. I had maybe 3 bites and had to call it quits.

The kids took a bath and I put them down, all while trying to move as little as possible and slowly. I canceled our lunch/brunch with another family that was supposed to be today and speculated with my friend the mom as to what could be causing this. Food from the ward party Friday night? Possible, but improbable considering it had been more than 48 hours since then.

I kept my miserable self up until 11, when I turned the TV off and went upstairs and went to bed fully clothed because I couldn’t get warm. And then at about 11:30, I barely made it out of bed in time to get to the toilet and upchuck. Big time. So violently that it splashed out of the toilet boil and down the sides, onto the floor, splattered onto my velour pajama pants and bare feet.

After about 5 or 6 heaves, the last of them being dry because there was nothing left, I thought I was done enough to start cleaning up. Good times.

I was back in bed by midnight, feeling surprisingly better with a totally empty stomach. Feeling stupid for all those bites of food I took trying to “fill up” since I thought I was just over-hunger.

Honestly, the last time I got sick was when I was pregnant with P almost 5 years ago. It only happened twice. Before that, it had been years since I’d puked – last time I remember I was 10 or 11 years old.

So this is a milestone. 🙂 Not really, but I felt like writing it out. Hope I don’t gross anyone out too much. I assure you there are more details that I kept to myself. 🙂

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas. I’m looking forward to spending time at my parents’ and with my husband since I *think* that he gets a day off somewhere in there.


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December 17, 2008 at 2:35 pm (Uncategorized)

Last night while starting to watch the finale of Biggest Loser, I had a moment of clarity. Or a moment of surprise. Not sure what to call it. Regardless of how it should be labeled – the crux of it was that in 2 months, I’m going to be 33 years old. 33! Somehow, 33 seems so much more entrenched in the 30’s than 32 does! Now, even to me that seems silly, but that’s how it feels just the same. Two months! And for the past month, I’ve been slothful to the point of being disgusted with myself. Now, I’ve been cleaning, and reading, and cooking. But there has been way too much eating, especially at night.

Last night after I realized this pending middle age that would have been obvious to anyone with marginal intelligence, I got up. I had already decided to put off walking one more night. But I got up and walked on the treadmill for an hour while I watched Biggest Loser. After I got done, I put on the whitening strips I got to curb my night-time eating and left them on for 30 minutes.

I don’t have much to report other than that. Still following the cleaning calendar. Today was washing the visible floorboards upstairs, which I’ve already done except for K2’s room since he’s sleeping in there. Today was P’s Christmas presentation for school. It was adorable and now she’s out of school until January.

Found some authors that have started a CleanRomanceClub, which is pretty cool, especially if I could afford the membership. I might swing it yet. E-books are so easy to get immediately with no trips to the library or store.

Well, the conclusion of action that I came to last night when I saw the top of the hill rapidly arriving was that I can’t afford to put off my health. I’m not old, but I’m not getting younger. And it isn’t going to get easier if I put it off until I miraculously grow some will power or determination. No, I’m going to have to *build* myself some determination and will power. Day to day, choice by choice. Some magic bell isn’t going to go off in my head that says “Now is the time to start. This is the perfect plan for you and it will require no effort or thought on your part. Just proceed and the weight will magically fall off and you’ll go from looking like you do now to instantly looking like an ‘after’ picture.” There is no bell that says or does all that. So I’m going to have to decide, tonight when I want to make some peanut butter balls that I don’t need them, that I can resist. And after that when I think, oh, a little bowl of cereal *or two* won’t hurt, I’ll have to stop and put the bowl and the cereal back before I pour it. And after that when I pull down the bag of candy I bought for Christmas day, I’ll need to tie the bag closed again and put it back in the high cupboard without taking anything out. And then, when I decide that I’m too lazy or it is too early and I should just watch one more show before I go to bed, I’m going to need to stand up, turn the TV off and go upstairs to bed or shower. And I’m not going to make the correct decision every time, but if I start to think about what I’m doing before just mindlessly following the precedents I’ve set for myself – gradually I think I’ll start to realize I CAN choose to do differently. And I’ll feel better for it. And as I feel better I’ll be able to make better decisions more often. And so on. That’s the only way this is going to happen – I HAVE TO START THINKING about what I’m doing.

The activity is the same way – I need to do every other day. It doesn’t really matter if I walk or do T-Tapp. At first its just going to be getting back in the habit of the first 6 months of this year of doing something almost every day or night. As I get going, I can get more picky about whether I do a T-tapp workout or just walk. 33 is coming, and I’m going to turn 33 whether I’m bigger or smaller than I am now. So I might as well be smaller, right? Healthier, more energetic. If I continue on in the manner that I’ve been going, I’ll be bigger at 33 than I am now. For sure. I’ve already gained weight just in the last couple weeks. So now is the time to start changing that.

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Friday night – date night?

December 12, 2008 at 7:17 pm (Uncategorized)

Definitely not date night for us. It actually feels like any other night – I thought that might happen once I wasn’t working anymore. I guess it was kind of a date day in that we spent the majority of it driving to the mountains, cutting down a tree in the snow, and driving it home. We got home too late for K to cut it down to size and put it in the tree stand, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. P was very disappointed that it wasn’t going up right away, but she’ll survive. I’ve got a space worked out for the tree, which took some moving of furniture, some of which might not ever go back to its original location. I just hope the tree fits okay. Tomorrow night will be spent decorating it, which might be near impossible with K2’s “help” and K gone to work.

Tomorrow, K and I are going Christmas shopping for the kids. My mother is watching them while we go – inevitably we’ll do all our shopping at Walmart and it probably won’t take very long. I guess Christmas is made easy when you only have enough money to spend a little on the kids and none on anyone else, including spouse.

Sunday night, K is planning on trying to get P to sleep out in the backyard with him in the tent – in the cold. I hope it goes okay, but chances are she’ll want to come in in the middle of the night. But I hope they get to try because it will be a good story for her to remember.

I am trying to decide whether or not I’m going to walk tonight on the treadmill. I’ve walked 4 times this week already, and my blister doesn’t feel very good tonight. Plus, I’m really tired from staying up too late last night reading a Dean Koontz novel (still “romance” free!).

Still no eating plan, and let me tell you I feel like a whale tonight. And I can feel the urge to binge lurking right behind me – if I could only find something to binge ON. I feel like a pansy that I keep reporting no real progress on the weight loss front. I guess I just don’t want it badly enough at this point – I wonder what will kick me into gear again? Or if anything ever will? I could walk that 5K just as I am now, though I’d be exhausted and it would take a while. But I really don’t want to do that. So at this point, not being this fat for the race in June is my only concrete goal or plan. Probably not a very effective strategy – *don’t still be fat for race*.

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Not much

December 12, 2008 at 11:00 am (Uncategorized)

Walked for 30 minutes last night. Did not enjoy it. Have a blister.

Going to get a Christmas tree from the forest today.

Didn’t decide on an eating plan, but did decide I’m not going to join WW.

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December 11, 2008 at 10:02 am (Uncategorized)

I’m still fighting my addiction to romance novels. It sounds so trivial compared to some of the addictions that people have to fight every day in this world. But for me, it is very real, and a very real fight. So I’m 1.5 days free and still convincing myself and stopping myself a dozen times a day from going to the library or bookstore – preferably the bookstore where there is greater selection. And where the addiction does more damage because of money wasted. Back before I quit this 13 years ago, I had already wasted so much money on this weakness – money I could have saved and used for much cooler stuff. I’m guessing the money I spent was probably in low thousand range, though I can’t be sure.

In other “almosts”, I almost talked myself out of walking last night, but then I did it anyway. I walked for 30 minutes, but didn’t make myself do any other workout. Last night when I went to bed I gave myself an ultimatum – I have to decide on an eating program TODAY. I’m still wavering between ESE and WW. My main reservation about ESE is silly; when you fast you usually have to keep busy because you have more energy and you need to keep moving to not think about getting hungry. Well, with my reading shelved for now (until I feel like moving on to different types of books), I am afraid I won’t keep busy enough. I’m following my cleaning calendar and usually the items required on any given day only take about an hour, if that. Then there is my blogging here, checking my email, reading up on some blogs, feeding the kids, changing diapers, making dinner for the end of the fast, doing dishes. But all of this doesn’t take up a full day. There are still gaps when I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m still not good at ‘playing’ with the kids. There just doesn’t ever seem like a good time, nor is it possible to do much that involves both kids. So I should spend quality time with P while K2 is sleeping, but I am usually doing my housekeeping tasks then. Which is no excuse.

Typing that out has made me feel pathetic. Today, I will do something with P! TODAY! We will get out all her coloring stuff and go through it and see what she needs and has, and we might just color together. I need to stop overwhelming myself with what I need to be teaching her and don’t know how, what I need to be coming up with for her to do and don’t have ideas for. And just be with her. Talk with her, play with her, color with her. Start simple, I am telling myself right now. Teaching can come when I’ve made a habit of hanging out with her for some time each day. Yeah. Then, later when K2 is awake we can do the more simple things like throwing or rolling a ball, playing “catch me”, wrestling, etc. The things K2 is capable of doing.

With that decided, I still am not sure I can keep busy enough when I’m not eating to not get hungry and/or keep away from inappropriate reading. Or that it will do any good if I don’t rein in my eating habits on the non-fasting days.

But, as my ultimatum to myself decided last night – I will decide on doing SOMETHING, TODAY!

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December 10, 2008 at 5:14 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m feeling aimless. I’ve been following my cleaning calendar and the house is in pretty good shape. I can only do so much about how it looks on immediate glance because of how thrashed the carpet is, but on the whole our house is cleaner than its been in a long time, especially upstairs.

I’ve stopped reading romance novels, again. I didn’t have this blog when I stopped the first time 10 years ago, but it was hard. And this is proving hard again even after only a couple weeks of relapse. I’m almost constantly thinking about jaunting over to the library or bookstore to get one, and then I remind myself I’m not going to. And I get kind of bummed.

I’m exercising. Two nights in a row do not a habit make, but that’s what I’ve got under my belt so far. Last night I walked for 45 minutes and then did some push-ups and sit-ups. Tonight I’m going to do BWO+ and then walk for 30 minutes.

But this exercise isn’t going to help much if I don’t get my eating under some semblance of control. WW? Fasting? I just don’t know. Even if I do fast, I still eat way too much on a normal uninhibited day to have it do any good, I think. I just don’t know. I keep saying that, but that is what is frustrating me so much. I JUST DON’T KNOW!!

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Last night

December 9, 2008 at 4:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Last night I walked for 30 minutes in front of the TV. It was great. I’m going to have to start wearing a sports bra again if I want to go any faster than a walk, but for now a walking pace is good enough.

I also did a 15 minute BWO+. Tonight I’ll walk for 45 minutes and no T-Tapp. I’m still working out in my mind how often to do the walking and the tapping. But for now I plan on walking every day at a minimum.

Today I had to catch up on my cleaning calendar a little bit since I haven’t followed through completely since Friday. I cleaned the upstairs master bathroom sink (one of Friday’s tasks), cleaned the master bathroom tub, the kids’ tub, and dusted upstairs. Now I’m caught up. I dusted the doors when I dusted upstairs and they needed it so I’m glad that is done. I didn’t do K2’s door since he’s sleeping in his room, but I can do that tonight or tomorrow while their taking baths. I also took the big fan apart and rinsed it off in the kitchen sink; it was covered in dust. So that should make it so we don’t have to make sure we don’t bump it and knock off a bunch of dust bunnies.

I’m getting a cold sore.

Still don’t have an eating plan in place, and the last few days since I went grocery shopping have been one big eat-fest. Tomorrow, I’m going to make a big pot of lentil soup and I’m so excited.

I’m going to try and focus more on the kids tonight – read some books or color or something.

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December 8, 2008 at 5:24 pm (Uncategorized)

K cut up a plastic Petco card and taped it in a flat stack about 2″ by 1″. It works in place of the safety key. I can get a real one online for 7.99, but I probably won’t do that unless I try to sell it down the road sometime. For now, my Petco card works. 🙂 Good thing, because I turned the house inside-out and can’t find it anywhere.

But tonight, my walking in front of the TV starts. Yay! I’m also going to do a 15-minute T-Tapp workout.

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Treadmill inside – can’t use it

December 7, 2008 at 8:52 pm (Uncategorized)

Until I find the little, flat, red stop-key!!! I had no reason to think the stop key wasn’t IN the treadmill. K knew. But he didn’t tell me until about 30 minutes ago when one of his guys showed up to leave for work and he asked him out of the blue to help him move the machine.

Now it is sitting in my room, and the first thing on my agenda in the morning is turning the house inside out for that little stop key that has to be in the treadmill for it to work.

Argh!! But I’m excited its in here. Hoping that if I can’t find it I can go buy a replacement for not too much money.

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Groceries Galore

December 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm (Uncategorized)

We got the advance. There wasn’t really time to do anything but cash the check on Friday and pay a couple of the necessary bills, but yesterday, I went grocery shopping.

I really need the budget to go grocery shopping more often. Maybe then I won’t feel the need to go entirely insane. I think I did pretty good yesterday. I went to Sams and then Walmart, and I spent about 290 total. I got a lot of stuff that I don’t have to buy every time I shop, like a huge bag of noodles, flour, jam, chicken broth. I didn’t go crazy with the “snack” items like crackers or granola bars. I got cereal that I think I can leave alone. I did get yogurt, but I got a generic brand that is in small 4 oz portions, so I hope to keep that under control. I got a lot of items that I wanted in order to make some dinner recipes. I also got some vegetables and fruit. But weekly grocery shopping would keep us in fresh food, and that is very important since I’m trying to get the kids to eat more vegs and fruits.

If I really wanted, I could probably convince K to let me use $35 of the money that is left to register for WW. But would I follow through? I’m torn.

In other news, I’ve decided which race to set as my goal race. It is a 5k on June 20, 2009 here in Colorado Springs. It is actually right downtown, called Sailing Shoes. I’m hoping knowing about it over 6 months in advance will mean my little bro T can come out to run it with me, though he’ll be running the 10K course.

K hasn’t moved the treadmill into the living room yet. He promises me every day that he will, and then it doesn’t happen. He has to have help stronger than me, but any of the guys that work for him could come help him do it, he just hasn’t asked yet. I’m getting anxious and hope to be able to start using it on Monday at the latest. I know I can’t use that as an excuse to not do anything – I could walk or run outside, I could start doing T-Tapp again. And I haven’t done any of that. Pure laziness and habit. It takes so little time to revert to habits of inactivity, its frustrating.

Well, I better get the bag ready for church – gotta load up snacks, a couple toys, diapers, scriptures, drawing supplies. I don’t know if other people have to pack that much stuff for church, but since ours is 3 hours long, split into 3 hour-long meetings, the kids sometimes need a little help to get through it. P is pretty good and just putting up with whatever for the first hour, and then she goes to her class and Primary so she’s entertained of a sort. But K2 is a handful and he’s not in any classes yet so he comes with us. And boy. Let’s just say I don’t get to listen to the lessons and talks very often.

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