Dogs, dirt, and diets

January 28, 2009 at 11:52 am (Uncategorized)

Fish is on his way out. He has to be.

Monday while I was at work, K got a bee in his bonnet and decided to rip up all the carpet on the main floor of our house. It was stained, stinky, and had huge holes in it where Fish has been systematically trying to rip it up for us every time we leave the house. So K just took it all out. In theory, this would prevent Fish from doing any damage to our actual house while we’re gone, right? No. Yesterday morning, we had court for our bankruptcy. FINALLY AFTER 2 CONTINUANCES. That’s another matter, though. When we got home after picking up the kids we’d been gone for a grand total of about 3 hours. And he had – get this – tried to chew the construction-wood floor! In the same spot where he started the carpet! It makes me wonder if there isn’t some sort of nastiness embedded in the floor right there. AND, he peed! In a big line over by the glass door. Which I’m sure soaked right into the construction-wood. Dangit.

So that afternoon I called the rescue and said that I was going to bring him to them this afternoon, and to please call me if that was a problem. Otherwise I would be showing up. They called me this morning. I was bluffing; I can’t take him today. But at least it got a response. The lady hasn’t been feeling well apparently, and has got more dogs than usual right now. So I sent her some pictures of him and she’s going to try and get him placed without ever taking him. And I’m going to put him on craigslist tomorrow. He needs to be gone. If none of that works, I will take him back to the humane society and just pray he passes the pit bull temperament tests because I can’t handle this.

And court. So after two continuances and waiting about an hour for our turn on the docket, it took about 3 minutes for it to be over and done with. We still have to send them our tax returns for 2007 for the trustee to decide if we’re getting enough back to make it worth his while to come after it – but we won’t , and I hope he won’t either. But the court part is done. Yippee-kayay. So anticlimactic, but such a relief.

Today, I’m hoping to go see my Mary Kay director to get some help and a few discontinued products for one of my clients. Other than that not much going on today. Doing some laundry and maybe cleaning a toilet or something. Tonight’s dinner is chicken and white sauce with pasta. Trying something new – never made my own white sauce before.

Last night I planned the dinner menus for the first 2 weeks of February, and a coordinating grocery list. I also made some lists for ideas for lunches and breakfasts for myself and the kids, and added that stuff to the grocery list. Hoping to go grocery shopping next Monday – we get paid Friday but I don’t like going grocery shopping on Saturdays if I can go on a weekday while most people are at work. Then hoping to go grocery shopping 2 weeks later for the rest of February. I think 2 shopping trips a month is ideal – I don’t like to go every week. Though I probably should for the fresh foods.

Last night I also printed up some numbers – 24 numbers – with 4 numbers to a page. I’m going to cut them and staple them and put them on the fridge to count down the 24 days until my birthday. The idea is to remind myself that my 33rd birthday is coming whether I work out and eat right or not. I’ve walked/jogged on the treadmill twice this week so far. Will be doing it again tonight. I need some new running shoes, but can’t afford them yet so I’ll make do with what I’ve got. I have to remember that getting some weight off will help a lot in that area – it isn’t just the shoes’ fault that I get uncomfortable when running.

I work again tomorrow, so this week will add a good chunk toward my hard-wood floor fund. A fund that has become even more important now that our house looks and feels like a construction zone with the bare particle wood floors with white paint patches and lots of staples and dust. Then I need to make sure that they know (specifically my boss) that coming in twice this week is the exception, not the rule.

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Monday – start afresh?

January 26, 2009 at 10:41 am (Uncategorized)

Last night as we were leaving my parent’s house my mom was asking how many bite-size candy bars I’d taken from her jar. Then she said something along the lines of ‘but we’re back on tomorrow, right?’ And I responded with ‘back on what? I haven’t had a plan in ages!’ She wanted me to make the bite-sizers last until Wednesday. Right.

But it got me thinking. I had that huge epiphany about turning 33 and not being able to prevent it whether I got in shape or not. And I haven’t done anything with it. I’ve exercised semi-regularly. Other than that, nothing. Last night I ate all those bite-sizers, plus two Smarties, plus a huge batch of pie-crust cinnamon-sugar cookies.

I want to set goals. Stuff to accomplish and stick to for my health. But I have so little faith in myself I’m afraid to mentally commit to anything – almost assuming I’ll fail before I even decide on a goal.

So, I ask myself. Should I make a bunch of plans – eat this, not that, go to sleep at this time, exercise this much, etc., or should I do it a little at a time? One goal for a week or two weeks before I add in another? I honestly have no idea which is the better approach. I want so badly to have an ah-ha moment and just get on the wagon and stay there. At least mentally. But nothing comes. What I would love to do is just escape back into the books – I wasn’t eating much then. But that isn’t an option; I have to stay strong.

So I guess if I can overcome an addiction like the reading and stick to it, I should be able to overcome other things and stick to it, right? In theory.

I just keep second and third-guessing myself.

I’m going into work this afternoon. Gotta go get ready. Plan is to come home and take care of kids for evening and then walk/run on treadmill. Or maybe a T-Tapp workout. Either way some sort of physicality.

Didn’t go to church yesterday. My decision making skills at 6:45 AM are seriously faulty. I wanted to sleep, I knew I wouldn’t be able to wake K – so I figured I’d make him wake up for the 11:30 sacrament meeting of another ward. But then I couldn’t get him to wake up or even be lucid enough to understand that I was trying to get him up, and I didn’t want to go to a different ward by myself with the kids any more than I wanted to go to our ward with the kids by myself so …. no church. Next week I need to 1) go to bed earlier on Saturday night, and 2) make the decision firm in my mind the night before that I am going – K or not – with the kids. And then get up and do it.

Gotta go get ready.

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Appt at Jenny Craig

January 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm (Uncategorized)

I had it written up and then K2 came and dropped a book on the keyboard and I lost it.

Suffice it to say that 480 for food for myself for a month, plus the counseling/weigh in program, plus the food I have to supplement on top of theirs (veggies, fruit, dairy), is way too much money. I’d be spending upwards of 500 a month just on my weight loss efforts. I can buy almost a whole month’s worth of food for my whole family for that.

So, no Jenny Craig for me. I do believe that their food is better than Nutrisystem – that wouldn’t take much. But Nutrisystem is probably constantly improving and they are much more reasonably priced – at least if memory serves me correctly and the prices haven’t gone up that much since I did it.

Not anything else going on today now that my appointment is over. I missed a teacher training class from 8-11 today, but I didn’t know what to do with my kids for 3 hours while K was sleeping so I don’t feel all that bad for missing it. Its not my fault they plan these things for women assuming that the husband has the weekend off. Next time I should probably try and get a sitter, though.

Went running/walking on the treadmill in the afternoon yesterday – which left my evening open for a nice binge. Geez. Went to bed a little after midnight. Should work out today but I know that I’m probably not going to.

I’m hoping K will find it in himself to get up and go to church with me tomorrow; I’m sick of going by myself and handling K2 on my own.

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Friday again

January 23, 2009 at 11:13 am (Uncategorized)

Another week. Another dollar. Or is that another day another dollar?

Anyway, I figure if I keep working about 4 hours a week for the next 4.5 months, I’ll save enough for the new hard wood floors. So, now the question is whether I can wait 4.5 months. Or if I will be able to work 4 hours a week for that long – work availability and if I can keep them from using me more. Of course, if I work more than that I’ll save the money up faster.

Didn’t walk or run last night. I’m going to have to start doing it in the afternoon while Kimball’s asleep. I’m just too persuadable (is that a word) at night. I can so easily talk myself out of it. And afternoons are going to be the hard time – the time when I usually could devote 3 or 4 hours straight to reading. Yesterday, I slept through the hard hours with a nice nap in the easy chair. Got up just in time to make dinner.

I made ground turkey with a sweet & sour sauce with noodles and green beans. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t gross either. Even K agreed it was surprisingly good – which is a ringing endorsement considering he was afraid to take a bite. Tonight is quiche, which I’m excited about because I love quiche.

I was hovering around 225 and now the weight is creeping up again. I’m sure due to the upswing in my eating habits since I bought some yogurt and bagels. The yogurt is gone and so are the bagels, but they’ve done their damage over the last 4 days.

Considering Jenny Craig – but not anywhere close to a decision, especially since we have no money right now.

K2 is getting more teeth. 2 or 3 molars are starting to tear through his poor gums. He’s also spontaneously started folding his arms for prayers at meals. Awesome. And he likes to make the sign for ‘more’ but I’m not sure he knows what it means.

I want to get a little chest of drawers for under the bar in the corner where there is some wasted space for P to put her stuff in there. Coloring, puzzles, glue, crayons, etc. Stuff that K2 can’t really get into yet but that I’m sick of having all over the kitchen table and kitchen counters, but if I put it away in the stair alcove P can’t get to it on her own. We’re also doing a chore chart that is going okay but is already losing its luster with her – probably due to the treats that she gets even if she doesn’t do her chores. A day of deprivation of any treats would do that girl good.

Trying to get an MK order together and most of my people are being unresponsive. Not sure how much I’m going to want to keep doing this. Sometimes, the hassle isn’t worth it and I’d almost rather just pay for my stuff and stop being a consultant.

Not much else to say. Carrying on.

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Office Days

January 21, 2009 at 11:45 am (Uncategorized)

Office days seem to impair my motivation. I was tired last night. I got home, K hadn’t made dinner yet. He did so, but he was less than enthusiastic about it. Then, I went across the street to check on P who was over there playing with the neighbor boy Kx. She was fine so I came back over and fed K2 dinner, and just as I finished up doing that one of my VT’s arrived by herself to visit. We visited for about 40 minutes and then the struggle to get P to eat her dinner began.

By the time I put K2 down for bed and P was in bed as well – both a little later than usual – I just didn’t have it in my to change, set up the treadmill, and do anything with it. So I sat and watched TV. And thought about how badly I want to read a book. Ugh. Hold strong. So since I wasn’t exercising and I couldn’t read a book, I ate. I had candy, yogurt, a granola bar, more candy, more candy, a piece of bread. Geez. I didn’t really WANT any of it, but I kept eating. It was my first night in a long time that I basically binged a little. I guess when you’re trying to get over one addiction, other addictions rise up to take their place?

I hadn’t thought about it a lot until yesterday, but over the past 2 months that I’ve been reading, food has become a secondary thing for me. I ate when I’m hungry or when I have to, I wasn’t excited about food hardly ever, and I rarely ate much at night because I was busy reading. For some reason putting a book down to get munchies happened much less than pausing a show to get munchies. I pause a lot.

Anyway, it would appear that uncontrolled eating is once again going to be an issue now that I’m not reading. I’m not happy about that.

So work could possibly escalate if I let it. They’ll use me as much as I let them. Gotta stay strong. I’ll be putting all the money I make aside to save up for the hard wood floor.

Gotta exercise tonight since I didn’t last night. Also need to do a little grocery shopping today. K will probably sleep until late afternoon, so I might have to bundle up the kids and go this morning with them. I’ve never gone grocery shopping with both of them by myself before. Adventures. Also have some catching up to do on my daily cleaning tasks and a bunch of laundry to put away. Life in the fast lane is so exciting.

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling grateful that I’ve managed to quit reading and start to emerge from the addiction. But today, I am just sad and want to read a book.

I don’t expect anyone reading this to understand why I keep referring to reading as an addiction, but it is for me. Certain types of books and I get swallowed up. That’s as much explaining as I’m going to do, and it probably doesn’t help. But I know what I’m talking about so I hope to be able to refer back to this and see my struggle and know I was strong and got stronger. My goal right now is to pray once a day to start trying to gain some of my spirituality back and strengthen my relationship with the Lord.

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Fog Lifting

January 20, 2009 at 11:42 am (Uncategorized)

It has taken a couple days for the fog to lift off of my brain from all the previously mentioned not-enriching reading I’ve been doing. I had K take all the books back to the library – and I hadn’t read them all. I won’t be checking out anymore.

Coming off of this renewed addiction is hard, but great at the same time. I was moving around in a smoggy state that I feel like I’m emerging from now, and it wasn’t until I started to come out of it that I fully realized how smothered I was feeling and acting.

Got big plans for the coming days and weeks. Plans for helping P to learn her letters and become more responsible with some chores. Made a dinner menu for the rest of January, with a couple of experiment dinners planned – hopefully they’ll be edible. 🙂 Keeping the house cleaned as normal.

Going to the office today. Not looking forward to it, but not dreading it completely either.

Considering starting up drawing again. Haven’t mentally committed to that, since I’m quite frightened I’ve lost the ability.

My visiting teachers are coming this evening. I hope they aren’t feeling judgy; one of them has never been in my house and seen my gross carpet. I so badly want to tear it all up and put something down that isn’t stained and full of holes.

Well, gotta eat something before I leave to get P and then go to work. Ran/walked for 35 minutes last night and then did some sit-ups and push-ups. Tonight is a 45 minute treadmill session. Going to have to do some of this walking and running outside soon.

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Thursday and another week is almost over

January 15, 2009 at 1:56 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t been writing because there really hasn’t been anything to write about. Life has been sliding by quickly and quietly.

P is back in school, still watching too much TV. K2 is still letting me sleep in and still is a happy little monster. K is still working too much and sleeping almost all day if he can. We aren’t as broke as we have been, but we’re still not rolling in it. Still not done being bankrupt since we’re waiting for our court date, again. I’m still reading way too much, eating sporadically and not too healthily. I’m staying up too late, getting up too late and not getting a lot done.

I went to work last Tuesday and then again yesterday for about 4 hours in the afternoon. Each time I go, I consider never going back. I won’t be going back this time for at least a week and a half, since the person I’m working with is going to Hawaii to work for about 10 days. Hardship.

I have walked/jogged on the treadmill twice this week, and walked 4 times last week. I will be doing it tonight. It feels good – I watch a show on the DVR and walk for two minutes and then jog for 2 minutes. I’m trying to work up to running for longer. I get nice and sweaty and its kind of mindless since I’m watching TV – I just have to skip the commercials. I haven’t done T-Tapp in quite a while, but I’m okay with that for now. Walking and running is going to be my focus for a while. I’m also going to start working in some crunches and push-ups after my treadmill workouts for a little conditioning.

Fish keeps tearing up new patches of carpet, and then the other night he peed all the way across the room to boot. I called a shelter and they were supposed to call me back but I haven’t heard back so I need to call them and see when I can take him. I want him gone. Then, I think I’ll start taking Cloud with me for some outdoor walk/run sessions when it is warm enough.

Other than that, life just hums along one day after another. I got a call from my RS president the other day saying that she’d been thinking about me a lot and was felt like I suffered from depression. I didn’t know what to say. I have suffered from depression, but I’ve felt pretty good lately. I can’t help but think she is being prompted to be concerned about me because of all the reading of not-so-enriching material I’ve been doing lately. But I didn’t tell her that, because I’m not prepared to stop. I was supposed to call her back and let her know if I want to take a class that is being offered for depression and that the ward would foot the bill for the registration, but the class is at night when K is gone. She offered her 18 year old daughter to babysit, but I just don’t feel comfortable with that. Plus, I feel silly taking a class for something that isn’t really bothering me right now. I didn’t call her back yet, I need to do it today to turn it down. If I’d wanted to take it I would have had to let her know by yesterday.

Anyway, I’m going to check some laundry and clean a little. Then I need to work on P’s A’s, which is the letter I’m trying to teach her right now. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know she is anxious to learn and is capable, so I’m trying.

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Let’s see … its 2009

January 5, 2009 at 4:22 pm (Uncategorized)

Today is the first time since the last time I wrote that I’ve even bothered to note how long its been since I wrote. And considering that last post was about puke two days before Christmas, instead of holiday cheer, I figure I should probably post something new.

Life hasn’t really been all that exciting. I’ll try to sum up some of the highlights.

Christmas – Christmas Eve K was working so I went with the kids over to the in-laws house for Christmas Eve dinner, something I thought would be festive even though K couldn’t be with me. But it ended up being a simple meal of yunzies (which I love) with my MIL, FIL, and BIL (my husband’s sister’s husband). My SIL that lives there arrived when we were getting finished up eating, ate her dinner quickly, and left to the fire station where the BIL’s wife was working so they could wrap presents. So I played a few hands of Nertz cards with the three other adults and then took the kids home. It was very anticlimactic. I did get a lecture from my MIL – partially because I deserved it and partially because I was the only one there to give it to – on upping our interaction with the Lord on the direction our family should take. K’s work consuming him so much and making him so tired has got everyone worried and she wanted to know if we were having family prayer and asking what changes we should make; she wasn’t pleased with my honest answer. Rightly so – I’m not pleased with the answer either. We’ve definitely gotten into a rhythm of not asking for the help we should ask for, and it is something I’d like to remedy.

Anyway, K got done with work a little after the kids were in bed as I prepared to wrap all the presents. He didn’t help, but at least I had company, right? Then we relaxed, and I’m sure I stayed up way too late reading.
Christmas Day we got up around 9, fed the kids breakfast and then the kids opened their presents. K had put a couple little things in my stocking that I saw him put in there but didn’t see what they were, so that was the extent of present opening for us adults. It was a little one-egg frying pan and some measuring spoons. Yeeha. After that we got showered and ready to go to my parents’ house. We arrived there around 12:30 and had some lunch and then we opened the presents from my parents and from my little brother. Then we kind of settled in to hang out. The guys watched sports, the kids played. K2 took a nap at one point. We ate a lot. We left around 6 or 7 in the evening to go home and put the kids down so K could leave for the little bit of work he had to do. And so Christmas wound to a close.

New Years was even less eventful. We went over on New Year’s Eve to the in-laws and had steaks and sweet potatoes with my MIL and SIL that lives there. Then we played some cards and went home. K didn’t work and I read while he watched TV to bring in 2009. Whooo. Hoo.

During all this, I ate less than I would have expected, but with no kind of plan or system. I rarely eat before mid-day, and I haven’t been binging at night because there’s nothing to binge on for the most part. I’ve exercised a couple times, but nothing impressive.

Tomorrow, P goes back to school. Today, I tried to take Fish to the humane society, but they were worried that he was so scared he wouldn’t pass the assessment of a pit bull and would have to be put down since I would have signed away all rights to him. I couldn’t do it. So he’s back home, where I’m sure he’ll continue to annoy us for months to come. We’re trying to get Cloud into the vet to have her face looked at where her scabs from Fish chewing on her are healing and to see if they can figure out if there’s something else wrong with her that would explain her depression, lack of appetite, dull coat, and general apathy. I cleaned their ears and was going to give them baths, then I wimped out. The day’s not over yet, but I don’t think I’ll re-convince myself to get them all wet and soapy and destroy my bathroom.

I haven’t been following the cleaning calendar. I’m starting back up again today with one bathtub and dusting downstairs. I’m also starting to use the treadmill again tonight – I committed in front of a bunch of people that today is the day.

As far as eating goes, I still have no plan. I’m going to continue to not eat until I get hungry in the mornings, though I’m going to make a better choice when I do start eating than brownies (today’s choice). I’m going to make a meal calendar for dinners. I’m also hoping I can make myself stop being such a lazy arse and start walking the dogs – one at at time of course. Cloud one day and Fish the next.

I didn’t really make any New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t think I’ve ever kept one in my entire life, so its time to stop pretending that a new year starting is some major motivating factor and just keep living my life and trying to be better on an ongoing basis.

I still have been reading A LOT. I think I’m starting to get to the point that it isn’t obsessive anymore, though. I can stop and start with no qualms, and I am getting better at not having to stay up until 4 AM just to finish a book. I am working on going to bed before midnight regardless of being in the middle or beginning or near the ending of a book.

Gotta go. More later.

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