Anger
I’m just so ANGRY. Mad, enraged, ANGRY.
The toilet overflowed. All over the bathroom. D is super-fussy today, and the other two, P and K2 keep asking me for things. Like gum. I’ve said no I don’t know how many times. NO GUM. And they keep asking. The house needs to be cleaned and I can’t find the motivation to DO anything. It feels like I’m moving through quicksand. Or gum. We need groceries, and we don’t have any money. AGAIN. We spent a wonderful day at a friend’s house yesterday, enjoying all the things they have that I WANT and can’t afford to buy. Stupid little things like a good, healthy supply of coconut oil or fancy rices. And bigger things like a Vitamix. A bigger house. A fancier phone. Cable. Dumb, dumb, dumb to be jealous, but I AM.
Then we come home. To our stinky rental that we can’t afford to have the carpets cleaned in. Where my kids want GUM. NO GUM!!!!! I should have seen the signs of the anger building, but I didn’t. I was trying to be proactive about at least ONE thing and make dinner in the crock pot around midday. The kids had just had a granola bar but they kept bugging me for something else. Oh, maybe some GUM??? Can’t you just wait until I get done here? D is crying. I don’t know what she wants. But I stop making dinner to try and feed her some of the fabulous baby food my friend helped me make yesterday. D likes it. But since I can’t afford a FREAKING HIGH CHAIR in order to properly teach my daughter how to eat solid foods, I have to hold her in my lap and hold her arms. And she twists and turns and fights me, even though I know she wants the food. Anger, building. Fine, no more food for you. I wipe her off and put her down, and she won’t stop crying. The kids, asking me for something I don’t even remember what. I send them downstairs. I finish dinner, all with D crying. Her diaper’s clean, she shouldn’t be hungry, she just took a nap. She just wants to be held, or maybe to nurse, but I’m BUSY dangit! I finally pick her up as soon as I can (hold her for a while trying to cut veggies one-handed doesn’t work). Then I go in the bathroom to find that K2 has BROKEN the towel rack, probably by hanging on it. He’s put the towel on the toilet, because he can’t hang it back up. Did any one tell me the thing was broken? No, I had to find it.
I LOST IT. K2 got spanked and sent to the corner when he finally admitted to hanging from the towel rack. But I couldn’t seem to stop yelling. SO ANGRY!!! So I sent him downstairs. Still holding D, still ANGRY. So I went downstairs to ask him what made him think he could hang on that thing, and found his room littered with socks and clothes I swear from just the last day. I’ve told him and told him and told him to put them in the dirty laundry basket in his room. More yelling while he cleans up. Then I found something to yell at P about. FOUND something. Like I was looking for an excuse. I sent them both to bed, stormed back upstairs, barely managed to hold still long enough in my anger to nurse D to sleep. Calmed down a little, but still ANGRY. Went back downstairs after putting D down to see what was happening in the quiet. They’ve both gone to sleep in their beds – scared of the scary screaming mom. I can apologize and they’ll say its ok. But its not. What is my problem?
Everyone wants something from me! And there IS NO ME. I swear I don’t even feel like I have a personality anymore. The kids constantly need something. Food, nursing, holding, reading, playing, more food. Snacks. Can we do this? Can you do this? Can I have some? I want, I want, I want, I want. When K is here, he either wants to have sex, or I’m supposed to be making dinner (that’s not entirely true or fair to him, but its how I’m feeling today). Even when no one is asking anything of me, I’m SUPPOSED to be doing something. Cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the floors, sweeping, organizing the paperwork, paying the bills, doing the laundry, making supper, or breakfast, or lunch, or snacks.
I’m lost. I’m gone. There’s nothing left of ME, and no one has even noticed.
How, how HOW am I supposed to LOSE WEIGHT on TOP of all of this? How do other women DO it? I don’t UNDERSTAND????!!!! what is wrong with me??
People we’ve met through church want to invite us over for dinner, or lunch, or whatever. To get to know us. Which would be nice, if I weren’t crazy. And gone. How can I let anyone get to know me when THERE IS NO ME?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. My faith should be getting me through this. Well, obviously I suck at having faith, too. Fits, since I suck at everything else that I’ve chosen to be. Sucky mom. Sucky wife. Sucky housekeeper. Just sucky.
Things I need to write about but don’t want to tonight
1) Trip to hospital with D Wednesday night last week: reasons, what happened there, my follow-up, and how the appt goes on Wednesday this week at her new pediatrician’s office to follow-up.
2) My trouble setting into a productive routine here at new place – and trying to blame it on hubby’s job.
3) K2 wiping boogers on his bedroom door.
4) K2 asking us “why don’t we just use the GPS?”
5) P loving to use the word “vivid” now that she knows what it means.
6) P saying she hates school, because all they do there is LEARN (said like a bad word).
7) Going to our new ward Sunday for the first time.
8 ) My new exercise DVD.
9) My longing desire to own a Vitamix.
10) Story-time at library. This hasn’t happened yet, but I’m committed to taking K2 to it tomorrow morning, so I will have to write about this when I decide to eventually write a real post.
11) My self-improvement cards. How should I handle tackling all that?
Comfy in My Skin 