Kicking Myself, but not hard enough

August 31, 2008 at 9:49 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

It is Sunday. I’ve been thinking about fasting. How every method doesn’t work for every body, or everybody. And wondering if I’m screwing up my metabolism by fasting, even though the research says it won’t do that. I haven’t come to any conclusions yet, but my speculation has led to me not fasting today.

Yesterday I got up and had an english muffin (or did I have two?) for breakfast. I had planned on spending the majority of the day focusing on all the laundry that needs to be done. But then I remembered the torrential downpour that we’d had Friday night and that the ground would be soft. It was still early enough that a good portion of the side of the house where weeding needed to be done would be shaded. So I headed outside to weed, thinking I’d do it for about an hour and then stop, when it got hot or when K2 got too fussy to leave him inside, blocked by the gate at the top of the garage door stairs. Two hours later, sweaty, hot and dirty, I came inside to feed K2 a banana, change his diaper and put him down for a nap. And went back out. I spent about 4 hours outside working on the yard. I weeded the whole north side of the driveway and house back to the fence door. Then I got some the few weeds out of the driveway seams, weeded the walkway edges that lead to the front door. Trimmed back the two big plants on the north side, trimmed the two big bushes in front of the porch, weeded on the south side of the porch, weeded a little bit in the grass patch in the front of the house. Went out back and gathered two huge plastic bags of dried out weeds that I’d already pulled and that the dogs had scattered all over the yard. Weeded a little back there, but knew I wasn’t going to get done with all the little tiny green sprouts from all the rain. I raked the north side of the house behind the fence, making 3 main piles of mulch, small rock, and dog poop that I plan to shovel out of there this coming week and dump somewhere. But I’ll have to do more raking because those weren’t the only main pooping locations in the backyard. Its a start. So basically, I got the front of the house looking quite presentable. Before yesterday, the front patch of grass and the main front patch of rock was looking good since that is usually where I focus my attention first. But I’ve always run out of steam or time before I got to the north side. Now it is done. I will have to move all of the rock over there off and put it back after removing the holey, useless cloth that has been torn to bits by weeds and walking on it after the rocks all move. But for now, the house looks decent when you drive up to the front. Which pleases me greatly.

My hamstrings are sore and so are my back and hands. I got sunburnt on a little quarter-moon portion of my lower back that was exposed when I bent over from the waist yesterday. After I finally came in, we got ready to leave and went to Rodizio Grill in Denver with K’s siblings and mother.

We had a great time, ate till we were in pain, and laughed a lot.

And today I’m not fasting.

I’m thinking I’ll start a fast after dinner tonight. We’re going to K’s sister’s for a going-away dinner for his mom who is going back to Utah tomorrow. No wait, tomorrow is Labor Day. There’s bound to be something going on that will involve food. I don’t think I want to try and fast on a holiday.

Definitely need to work out tomorrow, though.

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Friday Funk

August 29, 2008 at 10:05 am (Uncategorized)

Wednesday during my fast, I was really hungry. But I stuck it out. Work was completely crazy and I was on the phone almost all day with people at the office trying to coordinate a deadline with a temp who doesn’t even have an email address. It was a crazy-maker, and it helped to get through the hunger and it also helped to not have to stop working to eat.

Thursday was far from being an AN day, unfortunately. I got really stressed at the office and ate a lot of chocolate. Also ate the free luncheon being served out in front of the building for the tenants (live band and bbq) which included pasta and potato salad, pork and beans, a hamburger, a lemonade, and a couple of ice cream cones. Then back to the office and more chocolate. When I got home, K had made a yummy meal of noodles with beef stroganoff and green beans. Then the only thing there was to eat for the rest of the evening was the mini-peaches from my MIL’s tree. So I had 3 or 4 of those. Around 10:30, I got a granola bar out of an MRE in the storage closet and ate most of it. Finally stopped myself before finishing it off because it didn’t even taste good. If there had been food available, last night was definitely a binge night. So I guess I’m lucky that there wasn’t any food available.

Today I’ve had 4 toaster blueberry waffles with syrup and some pieces of peach.

Work has been crazy all week, and it is going to be today, too. The things that have to happen today other than that are: going to pick up our car from the shop and giving K’s mom’s car back to her; picking up K’s paycheck, cashing it, and depositing enough funds for our mortgages into the bank; figure out paychecks for our two employees so K can pay them both tonight; paying our tax guy and arranging to pick up our tax returns from him; paying the bills that have to come out of today’s checks; me trying to go visiting teaching with my companion at 2 PM. This weekend we have to finish any blank spots in the bankruptcy paperwork, take the debt class (Monday morning at the latest), and call Ph to make an appointment to come in and get this thing FILED!!!! I updated a lot of the paperwork last night, but there are some places we need her help with or that K has to fill out (or I’ll fill out with his help).

I didn’t work out last night. I didn’t have it in me. I plan on working out tonight. So far, I don’t know of anything going on tonight, so it should just be a quiet night at home after the rush of the day. We also desperately need groceries, but I think that can wait until tomorrow after we’ve figured out what our budget for food is and have made a list.

Edited to add: was at 224 yesterday morning. was at 225 this morning.

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Daily Check-in

August 26, 2008 at 6:50 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I don’t really have anything interesting to say. 226 this morning, which I thought was okay considering I ate out twice yesterday. I only ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but both lunch and dinner were restaurant meals. Like I said, salad at lunch. And then I had a big bowl of gorgonzola cheese alfredo fetuccine for dinner along with bread and water. I was happy with myself for working out because I almost managed to talk myself out of it, siting my fatigue to myself. But I did it anyway, and it felt good to have done it and not slacked off.

Bought one of Teresa Tapp’s “Fit and Fabulous in 15 Minutes” books tonight on Amazon.com because of a promotion that she’s doing where if you buy it today and send in the proof of purchase to her office you get a free workout out of a selection of 3. I’m pretty excited about it because I’m looking forward to mixing it up a little and using some different Tapp workouts; I can’t usually afford to buy more because they are kind of expensive as far as workout DVDs go. Worth it, but anyone who reads my blog knows I’m usually broke. 🙂

P is across the street jumping on her little friend’s trampoline. They’ll bring her back when they eat dinner. I guess they eat dinner kind of late. The dad deploys on Friday for 12-15 months to Iraq, and I hope I remember/think/act on helping her a lot after he leaves. I would want help if that were me, but I wouldn’t ask for it. So I’m counting on myself to step up and serve a little.

Just breakfast and lunch and some chocolate at work today. Had McD’s for dinner, which is silly considering I’m now on a fast. McD’s is not a great way to start out a fast. Had a double-cheeseburger and small fry from the dollar menu, didn’t finish the cheeseburger – yuck. Had 3 of my daughters nuggets and gave her my other double-cheeseburger. She only had a few bites; one of the pluses of being broke is that it makes it easier to feed my child at home which is almost always healthier for her. But it will help me tonight that there is NOTHING in the house to snack on even if I wanted to. I’m going to work out a short workout after the kids go to bed and then do a little bit of work then go to bed. Oh, and I decided to quit my job. More on that tomorrow. 🙂

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Monday morning update

August 25, 2008 at 1:33 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats)

226 this morning. After breaking my fast yesterday evening with some sausage, scrambled eggs, and pancakes, I waited for K to get home and bring me the Snickers bar I’d requested. Next time I’ll be more specific that I don’t want a king-size. Not to say that I didn’t eat the king-size and enjoy every bite, but I think a regular size bar would have satisfied my munchies just as well.

Today is an AN day. Oatmeal so far, and considering how little food there is in the house I shouldn’t have trouble – except I might have trouble finding even natural foods to eat.

…. Okay, just got back from an appreciation lunch at work that I remembered from a reminder email at 11:22. Which left me approx. 18 minutes to get showered and ready and out the door to get there in time. I was about 4 minutes late. A pretty dang good record.

Had salad with chicken and water. Pretty yummy salad, so I’m sure it had more calories than I’m making it sound like it had. But still pretty compliant.

Won’t eat again until I go to dinner with some girl-friends tonight.

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Off Routine – off Plan

August 24, 2008 at 10:08 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

That seems to be my MO. All that big talk over the last couple of days of getting back on plan and staying there for 19.5 weeks. Well, today is officially 12 weeks. Yippee.

Up to 227.5 today, which is actually better than it could be. Friday night, we went out to eat with my family to Chili’s up in Monument. I decided to order the Southwest Egg Rolls (an appetizer), but then I thought in the moment that getting an appetizer meant I could have a salad, too, and if I’m going to have a salad why not have the soup and salad and get a bowl of tortilla soup. So I had the bowl, and I had the side salad, and I had the egg rolls. I don’t think it was too bad of a meal – if I hadn’t let it set me up. See, we were out to eat. Out to eat is a treat. Treat means there needs to be dessert.

Without giving you a play-by-play (I’m trying to stick to the point instead of doing that), suffice it to say that later that night I had a bowl of vanilla yogurt with chocolate powder. When we bought the yogurt I knew I was going to leave the rest of it at my mom’s house so that I wouldn’t have it in mine, but then I saw a display – as we were walking away from the food section – of Fiber One granola bars. My guard was down by then, and I grabbed a box. But I didn’t commit in my head to taking one out of the box and leaving the box at my mom’s. She was buying after all. So I took the full box home. Remember, granola bars = trigger food? Yup. When I got home and the kids were a-bed, I opened the box. And had one. Had two. Turned the TV off and went upstairs to stop myself there.

So, Saturday. I worked basically all morning and early afternoon, which led to some not-so-good food choices, but it could have been worse. Oatmeal, raspberries, mandarin orange, huge piece of homemade wheat bread. Two more granola bars. Found out we were going to K’s family’s house (if I could get my work done – go Cinderella) for a late bbq lunch before we went to the zoo last night for my SIL’s work’s night there. We got over there at about 3:30 and I had a juicy hamburger, pasta salad, chips, potato salad. Not a lot of anything, but I should have just stayed away from it all since I didn’t really want it. But I get so sidetracked getting the kids all fed, making sure we figure out what to cut up and feed K2, the loudness – I eat on auto-pilot. Had grape soda – wasn’t even good. Then, they busted out the cupcake-cake for my MIL’s birthday. And I had two cupcakes!! Okay 1 and a half. I don’t even LIKE cupcakes!! But it took me to the middle of the second one to remember that and throw out the last half.

Then we went to the zoo. They had a spread there for the my SIL’s fellow-employees but most of us weren’t interested since we’d just eaten. It was about 6:40 by this time. My SIL and BIL went and got the little cups of ice cream for the kids – chocolate. I was lucid enough by this time to know I didn’t want that ice cream, but I saw platters of cookies at the ends of the sandwhich tables. Ended up eating a couple of chocolate chip cookies and one sugar cookie. They were the small, generic, almost hard, store-bought kind. The zoo was fun; walking the Cheyenne Mtn Zoo, with or without pushing a big double-stroller, is good exercise since it is on the side of a mountain. When we came back down we passed the cookie table and I went in again. By this time it was about 8. I vaguely remembered it was Saturday and I should be fasting by now. But I couldn’t wrap my head around how I was supposed to do it since we’d had dinner so early. The cookies that were left weren’t good, but that didn’t stop me from having a big bite of two of them before letting my taste-buds actually do the talking and stop me.

The real travesty occured when we got home. I put the kids to bed, K left for work, and I had more work to do. It ended up being about almost two hours of work. During that time I had a few raspberries (what was left of the container was sitting next to my laptop), the last granola bar, and a full-size Laffy Taffy. I got done working a little after 10:30. And, oh my gosh, what possessed me to not just go upstairs??? But I sat and watched TV and talked myself into not one small plate, but TWO, of bite-size corn dog bites heated up in the microwave! Argh!

I went to bed full, and disappointed in myself.

In retrospect, I should have started my fast after my late-afternoon meal and just ended my fast earlier today! I shouldn’t have had any food while I was working late last night, and I should have gone right upstairs after I was done, even if I was going to stay up and watch TV up there.

Moral of the story (the play-by-play could have been worse, believe me) = weekends are a hotbed of unpredictability. They are not always going to be safe in my home and go the same every weekend. I need to keep my head about me, especially on Saturdays when my fast should be starting. I need to consciously THINK about what I’m eating and WHY, and break the habit of eating stuff just because its there. If the only sugary items available are sugary items that *gasp* I DON’T LIKE, I don’t have to eat them just because I think I need/want some sugar!! Be a little more discerning, self, for crying out loud!

I said I wasn’t going to let my little failures derail me – that DAYS off plan wouldn’t turn into WEEKS off plan. So now I need to put my money where my mouth is. Friday night to Saturday night I struggled. So it ends now, and I’ll prepare myself all week to not get caught so mentally unguarded next weekend.

I’m fasting now. I’m inclined to stay home from church today; I don’t have to teach and K2 is runny-nosed and breathing like he’s got a phlegm problem. If I stay home, I’ll need to guard myself against gravitating to the kitchen. I’m pretty sure we’re going to have pancakes and eggs for dinner, and I’m going to go light on the pancakes and heavy on the eggs. Maybe I’ll add some steamed brocolli to the mix. And tomorrow is an AN day. Back on the plan for evenings with going upstairs after workout in order to stay out of kitchen. Really with the granola bars gone, the only thing that strikes any danger is the corn dog bites.

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Don’t let it go to your head

August 22, 2008 at 11:44 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I’m talking to myself there. Down to 225 today. Half a pound above my on-plan low of 224.5. So with being back on plan since Tuesday night when I started my fast for real instead of waiting until Wednesday morning, I’ve lost about 3 or 4 pounds. Granted, that is weight that I’d gained back in the last couple weeks, but I’m encouraged by this progress.

This weekend is my 12-week mark and where I expect to start my official 2-pounds for 19.5 weeks goal. I started journalling my food yesterday in this little notebook I made. Today so far only had oatmeal and some cheezits. Waiting until I’m actually hungry to make myself an egg burrito for lunch.

Have a good weekend!!

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Bored – 12 weeks coming up

August 21, 2008 at 4:13 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats)

A lot of challenges that you can join set for yourself last for 12 weeks. BFL is supposed to be a 12-week transformation. I think that the Turbulence Training challenges that they’ve had have been for 12 weeks. And there are plenty more. It just seems to be a good number for lots of people.

I’m at work this afternoon, and I’m bored. So I decided to read my “Success Story” posting from May 26, 2008. A few days after I wrote that, I started my plan. Specifically, my first fast was on June 1st. Well, in looking at the weeks instead of months, I realized that this Sunday will be 12 weeks since that first fast on my plan. There are 19 1/2 more weeks until the end of the year. In months, there are about 4.5 months left. In the past 12 weeks, I’ve made considerable progress, but the fact that I’ve derailed myself for about a week about 3 different times hasn’t helped. I’ve lost about 10 pounds and a bunch of inches since then. But if I continue this way, derailing myself every 3 weeks or so, I’m only going to lose about 15 more pounds this year. And that doesn’t add up to 70, which is the number that I put in my success story. It is 25 pounds, which is nothing to raise my nose at, but it is a long way from my goal. By the time this Sunday rolls around, I’m predicting that the numbers will say I’ve lost about a pound a week since I started this thing. 12 pounds in 12 weeks. Not fantastic, but better than nothing.

So, what’s my point? I guess I have a couple points:

1) I could keep this up and lose 19.5 pounds more by the end of the year. A pound a week. That would put me at 206 pounds, something I haven’t weighed since I did WW for a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant with K2 in the beginning of 2007.

2) I could step it up a few notches and try to double that. Lose 2 pounds a week until the end of the year. That would be a whopping, amazing 39 more pounds (49 total). And that would put me at 186.5 – a weight I haven’t seen since P was a year old, 3 years ago. That is a pretty dang exciting number. Two pounds seems doable, especially if I keep in mind my new motivation (STRONGER, not skinnier), my thoughts about long-term (this IS working, just do it right!), and that my habits will only get more deeply ingrained.

3) I might need to revise my success story. My success story, since it was written futuristically, was basically a goal. A goal with a plan behind is the most attainable, right? And I had and have a plan. But, goals should also be realistic. With the past 12 weeks under my belt (literally, since I can do up more notches on said belt now), I can now adjust that goal to be realistic and not just a random number. In the long run, I’d love to lose 70 pounds, but it might not be realistic to expect that by the end of the year. In order to lose 60 more pounds between now and then, I’ll need to lose an average of a little over 3 pounds a week, which seems unlikely and too hard on myself.

Bottom line – New goals:
1) To lose 39 more pounds by the end of the year. Approximately 2 pounds a week.
2) To stay on track with my plan and not let frustration or ennui derail me for more than ONE day. No week-long derails, please
3) Continue with 2 weekly fasts, lots of water, 2 AN days, and 4-6 workouts a week. 4 is the new minimum.
4) Continue with nightly plan of working out, one show, upstairs to shower or go to bed. Bed by 10:30 or earlier, and staying away from the kitchen and the dreaded late-night binging.
5) When grocery shopping, stay away from trigger foods specifically, vanilla yogurt, sweet cereals, and granola bars. If want treat, one vanilla yogurt is sufficient.

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Repairing the damage

August 21, 2008 at 9:33 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

Over the last 2 1/2 weeks, my weight has fluctuated, mostly on the upward trend. I went from weighing in at 224.5 and 225 in the end of July to my highest over the last couple of weeks of 229.5. I can’t remember what day that was; I’ve been too embarassed and frustrated with myself to record the numbers diligently. I really didn’t want to have to lose the same 5 pounds over and over again like so many people that I read about. But I guess it was silly of me to think I was immune to the difficulties that plague almost all people that are trying to lose weight, regardless of their methods. A momentary lapse. Hopefully, for me and all successful losers, only momentary.

Much to my delight, getting back on track is producing quick results. I have no misconceptions that it will be easy to lose more actual weight, but losing the 4 pounds or so that I gained over the last couple weeks is going well. I weighed in this morning again at 225.5. Only a pound to go until my current low of 224.5.

Yesterday I managed to fast until I finished making dinner at about 4:30. Had a dinner of rice, chicken bites (marinated in some balsamic vinegar, italian seasoning, olive oil, and garlic powder), and steamed carrots (steamed in a little butter and brown sugar). The chicken was a little dry, but still tasty. After dinner I had a total of about 4 graham crackers. Then I decided to try my hand at making some wheat bread in the bread maker (K and I decided on our last budgeted grocery trip that we would try and make our own bread for a while to save money). After 3 false starts where I either read the wrong amount for the wrong ingredient, or started accidentally following the wrong recipe on the wrong page, I finally got everything in the maker and started the program for wheat bread. About 10 minutes later realized I hadn’t put in enough yeast, so I opened the bread maker and tried to knead in a little more. Ridiculous. I just hoped it would turn out halfway decent.

In the meantime, I put K2 to bed after giving him and P a bath. Then I set P up with some cartoons and worked out. I think it is because my form is getting progressively better with T-Tapp, but I swear each time I do the workout, I sweat more. So much so that last night the sweat was dripping off of me; when I leaned over for the leaning over moves, sweat dripped up my chin to my mouth. My hair dripped onto my shoulders. I mean its ridiculous how much I sweat. But I like it – that’s just that much harder my body is working and eliminating.

After my workout I went upstairs to put P to bed and she’d fallen asleep in my bed after turning the TV off for herself. So I left her there and went downstairs to watch a show and wait for the bread to get done. It was done around 9:15 and after getting it out of the pan, I had to try a piece. Well, the first piece was crunchy crust, so after I chomped that down, I had to try a piece of the inside bread. So I did. With honey. It was good, but not great. I probably won’t have any more of this loaf. Also, the 2-lb recipe makes the bread so tall the pieces are too big to manage, so I think if we’re going to keep doing this we’re going to have to use half a slice to equal a normal piece of bread.

After I finished my bread, I went upstairs and took a shower and got in bed. It was 9:45. I wasn’t sleepy at all. So I broke my own rule and started a show – Bones. Since I had it recorded I finished it at 10:36, turned it off, and went to bed.

This morning I woke up at 8 AM when P came in to get in bed with me, feeling a little groggy. But after I laid in bed for 5 minutes, I was feeling pretty well-rested, which is good because that’s when I heard K2 in his room.

Today is an AN day, office day, and SATI or BWO+ day. Not looking forward to the office, but I do know I need to get a fire lit under me in regards to work. The two at-home days I’ve had this week so far I haven’t gotten any significant work done, and therefore no significant hours. So I need to have a plan for what I’m going to work on tomorrow at home before I come home from the office today.

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Good Night’s Sleep

August 20, 2008 at 11:33 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

Yesterday’s food:
2 bowls of Tootie Frooties | bite-size Snickers & fun-size Twix | big bowl of K’s sweet chili | applesauce | few roasted garbanzo beans | bite-size Snickers, fun-size Twix, 2 almond Hershey’s kisses | mac&cheese, hamburger/egg bake-cake, steamed brocolli

I started my fast after that interesting dinner last night. I didn’t munch my way into the night like I have for my last 4 or 5 fasts telling myself that it didn’t matter because I’d fast until dinner the next day. I thought of eating something quite a few times, but I told myself that I was fasting and had some water instead. I started the SATI workout and decided about 2 minutes in that I’d rather do BWO+, so I switched DVDs and did BWO+. Got a good heartrate rise and a good sweat going. I had told P after I put K2 to bed that she could watch one Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode and then she was going to bed, she wasn’t going to fall asleep in my bed watching a movie like she had for the last few nights. So when I got done working out and she had already come downstairs when her episode ended, I helped her brush her teeth, go potty, and took her upstairs to bed. One bed-time story, and as I covered her up K2 started crying. I went in there dreading that my usual method of holding him for a few minutes and putting him back wouldn’t work (it definitely hadn’t worked the night before), but luckily it was a successful attempt.

I went downstairs and watched one show. Then I got ready for bed and went to bed by 10:10!! I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but I definitely didn’t toss and turn, and the next thing I was conscious of was P going potty in our bathroom this morning at about 8:00. I expected her to come get in bed with me, but I went back to sleep and she went downstairs on her own. I slept for about 25 more minutes and then got up. So that’s about 10 hours of sleep, and it felt really good. I’m going to keep this up, and hopefully my body will naturally start waking me up earlier.

Today I’m going to start using the little make-shift notebook I made myself before leaving work yesterday. It is just stapled paper folded with some card stock as a cover, but it will work and it fits in my purse. But for right now, there isn’t anything to write down since all I’ve had today is water.

Tonight, plan is to have dinner, do the dishes, give the kids a bath, put them to bed, do the TWO, watch one show to cool off, go upstairs and shower, and go to bed. If I decide to do the workout this afternoon instead, then the plan will change to watching possibly 2 shows. But I will not start a new show after 9:30, and goal is to be in bed by 10:30 at the latest. And earlier is good, even *gasp* before 10! I got some chicken out to thaw; not sure what I’ll do with it for dinner, but it will probably involve balsamic vinegar since I love the flavor that stuff gives meat.

Okay, rambling over and out.

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Some Decisions

August 19, 2008 at 4:02 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I was thinking after my last post about how a lot of that sounded like an excuse to not do as I’ve said I will do. I guess part of the problem is that I don’t feel like I’ve made this commitment to anyone but myself, and I’m very consistent in not following through on commitments to myself. This blog doesn’t feel like anything but talking to myself, which is fine. Sometimes it helps me to get a handle on the thoughts in my head to talk to myself by writing it all down here. Like yesterday.

Nothing has changed, really. I didn’t do any paperwork last night. This is the commitment that I’ve made to myself – and I’m going to make the same commitment to my husband tonight when I get home from the office. That as soon as we get the $100 to get the paperwork from our tax guy and take the debt class, I will IMMEDIATELY apply it toward said areas and then IMMEDIATELY do the requisite paperwork to get us done with this fiasco so that we can move on. Until that $100 is available (should be on the 29th of this month), I will not worry about the paperwork. But this will be done by the end of August. Since I’ve been saying it will be done by the end of the month for the last 3 months, that seems a bit silly. But this time, please, let it be true. Let me MAKE it true.

In my mind, identifying why I’ve been struggling so much to stick with my program should have eliminated the problem. And it doesn’t seem to have done that. So I’m back to square one in identifying my mental hang-ups. Well, not square one exactly because I do think locating the source of some of the mental block has and will help. But I thought of something else.

On every program I’ve ever been on, I seem to remember going off the program, or stopping the program, etc., because it wasn’t working. Or not working fast enough. That’s how I remembered Nutrisystem, its why I remembered sending most of the food back after about 2 weeks. Its why I stopped taking Herbalife when I tried that after P was born. Its why I stopped doing Atkins (okay, that was also partially because I was starved for carbs and went a little crazy). Its part of why I stopped taking the Meridia, it wasn’t ‘supressing my appetite’ that I could tell, and it also seemed to make my heart rate go a lot higher with less exertion than normal.

A while back, I was talking to K about Nutrisystem; I believe it was when I saw Marie Osmond on a commercial for the system. He asked if I wanted to go back on it, and I said no because it hadn’t worked. He, who has a much clearer view of some things than I do and a much better memory, objected. He insisted that it had been working.

I was thinking about that conversation last night, wondering why I remember things as not working when they are, and I think it all has to do with the speed in which they work or don’t work. I want to be skinnier NOW. I want to be lighter on my feet NOW. I want to be stronger NOW. And this is going to take some time. I’ve let myself go slowly and inexorably over the last 5 years. It is a good reminder that I can’t expect to fix this slow decline with one sharp incline over a couple months. It is going to take time. I probably won’t be right where I want to be by the time I get pregnant again. I probably won’t be right where I want to be 6 months after my next baby. But I can still be TRYING.

I found myself slowly starting to think that I wasn’t doing the full program — 2 full 24-hour fasts, 2 full AN days, 3-4 workouts minimum a week, trying to be conscientious about my eating in general, getting enough sleep, not eating late at night — because it wasn’t WORKING. Well that’s bull-crap. It WAS working. And it was working rather rapidly as long as I stuck to it. When I deviated, I’d go up a little and as soon as I got back to it, it would start working again. So convincing myself of the EXCUSE that it wasn’t working and that’s why I’m not doing it anymore is ridiculous, self-deceiving and self-destructive.

I’m wearing my wedding band today. It is between the two knuckles on my middle finger. I still can’t get it on my ring finger, but it goes far enough down to make it hard to bend my finger if I try to wear it there. So I’m wearing it in this odd location to remind me of what my goals are. To remind me that my program works, I just need to stick to it. To remind me that my program isn’t hard necessarily; I don’t have to go without, starve, deprive myself, work out obsessively, eat nasty foods, etc. My program is doable, simple, and rich in opportunity. I just need to do it. It has only been 2 and a half months since I started this program. In my original plan and success story I said that I would do/had done my program for 7 months. So I have no call to be giving up now after 2.5.

I’m also considering manufacturing myself a little tiny notebook that fits in my purse so that I can write down everything I eat. But I don’t know if I’m going to have time to do it today at work (comb-binding materials). That is still in the works – I haven’t fully committed myself to that yet.

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