When your husband agrees that you need to get it together

January 28, 2010 at 7:28 pm (General Life Updates)

That is a bad sign. Tonight, as we ate our rushed meal of frozen chicken nuggets, instant brocolli/cheese rice packet, I made the comment that I have to get it together. And K agreed with me. I said it was sad that he had to agree, and he was like, “well, what do you mean when you say that?” I said – I haven’t worked out in almost 2 weeks, I am eating everything out of control, I’m not getting anything done, I haven’t fixed a meal ahead of time in a week.” I didn’t mention how poorly I’ve been sleeping. Well, he was like “yup.”

And that’s how its been. I have gone to a bad place mentally. Today is the perfect example of how I’m feeling.

I got up (barely) to get P to school. Got her dressed, brushed, and fed and out the door in the snow. Wished it was a snow day.
Came home and went back to bed to read scriptures and doze off.
Got up when I heard K2 yelping, fed him his breakfast, made my own. Didn’t even bother to put fruit or veggie in my oatmeal. Just protein powder, sugar, peanut butter, butterscotch chips. Basically candy oatmeal. The only fruit we have left is frozen blueberries (only like in smoothies) and half an apple.
Sat down at computer and basically sat there until right before it was time to get P from school.
Went back upstairs to have a conversation/wake up K until it was time to go. Was going to get him to go, but he didn’t want to and I didn’t have a good reason to make him. I have 4 wheel drive.
Went to get P.
Came home, ate some licorice, a drink of soda.
Started making lentils and quinoa.
Watched TV, read on the computer, helped P with homework. Generally was restless and didn’t know what to do with myself, because all I really wanted to do was eat or go to bed.
The whole afternoon passed this way. Computer, TV, eating. Had licorice, Runts, soda, my lunch of quinoa and lentils w/ cauliflower, celery, and carrots. More licorice, more Runts. More. More until licorice and Runts are gone.
Made a “schedule” for next week with K about which day to do which renovations/preparations for the move.
Was useless some more.
Dinner time arrived without much preparation from me, so we tried to go cash a check to get enough money for some fast food (for shame!). The check wouldn’t cash because the girl that wrote it and told me to cash it Thursday probably didn’t expect me to try and cash it at her bank since mine was already closed. There wasn’t enough fundage, so no fast food. So we headed back home to make our chicken nuggets and rice as fast as possible to give K barely enough time to wolf down his food before he had to leave for work.
I’m still wearing the clothes I put on to take P to school. I didn’t put on a bra until about 4:30 PM. I’ve eaten so much candy and sugar in the past 24 hours that I have terrible gas and no one can stand to be around me, least of all me. I did brush my teeth this morning. Kudos to me.

What the heck is wrong with me?? Its like I’ve sunk into this hole of complacency, anti-motivation, depression, uselessness. There are things I could be doing!!! I could work out! Just because we don’t have money to buy the paint yet doesn’t mean I can’t be cleaning or organizing or even just making lists. Good grief.

So, like I said, I’ve got to get it together. I should start tonight with working out. I should. I feel so nasty right now from chicken nuggets and sugar and gas that I can’t even imagine trying to run on the treadmill or even walk. But I have to do something to break this nasty cycle. This is a downward spiral and I’m picking up speed. Things are not going to get easier next week when we’re fixing up the house. Quite the opposite. Things are not going to be easier after K leaves for Utah and leaves me here with the kids and a house to sell. Again, the opposite.

So I have to get it together. Now. Right now. Can  you hear me trying to talk myself out of this??? Because I can, but I also hear a voice in the back of my head that says to eat another bowl of candy oatmeal instead of doing the dishes. Or drink some leftover soda before it goes flat. Or “go to bed early” so that I don’t have to work out, when that always turns into staying up late to watch TV, even if I don’t eat at the same time.

Wish me luck on throwing myself a lifeline.

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