No Plan. Again.

December 7, 2011 at 11:59 am (General Life Updates)

Its a good thing I don’t consider myself a blogger. Cuz geez. But I’ve found myself saying a few times over the last few months that I’d have to refer to my journal (or blog) in order to remember when the kids did certain things in their development. So I better make a little bit of effort to document some of D’s development or I won’t know anything to compare if we have more or to remember her craziness.

She is 16 months old now and just as much trouble as she could possible be. She walks/runs everywhere. Climbs on everything. Goes for the computer mouse, the cell phones, the TV remotes whenever given a chance. She has a killer grip and screams her head off when you take away something if she decides to hang on. Otherwise, she runs away and drops the offending item on her way to try to head you off. She has her four teeth on top and bottom in the front, and then a molar on top and bottom both sides in the back. She makes some crazy faces and has a few words. Namely – Doh! (meaning boo), Uh-oh, Ma (which I don’t think is Ma, just more a demanding term), SSSS (meaning SH, and she puts her finger over her mouth classic shh style, sometimes sticking her finger under her upper lip. She loves to hold dolls and teddy bears and making smacking kissing noises. She is a beautiful slightly reddish blonde, but her hair’s not coming in very fast.

I started writing this post yesterday. Last night, D had an accident involving her mouth. Seems like my kids always hurt their mouths. She was sitting on her little kid couch (the unfolding kind) and she had a toothbrush she was playing with. Well, with wonderful luck, when she fell off the couch, she had the toothbrush in her mouth and managed to jab it into the back of her mouth right next to her throat. I didn’t realize she was bleeding until I’d been holding her while she screamed and she lifted her head & I saw the blood dripping all over both of us. So then I spent the next 20 minutes trying to pry open her mouth and shine a flashlight in it at the same time to make sure the bleeding stopped and it didn’t look like something I needed to take her in for. I finally got a glimpse of the wound, and I think it will heal on its own, but it was an awful 30 minutes. She woke up every 2 hours all night long, and it was harder than normal to get her back to sleep. Today she seems fine, thank goodness.

A couple weeks ago, P had a mouth accident. Getting up after being put to bed, she went to get some books to read with her flashlight and slipped going back to bed on the painted concrete floor in the playroom. Somehow, she managed to ONLY land on her upper front teeth/lip. We still can’t figure out how she didn’t hit her chin or put her hands out. Anyway, her screaming, blood-gushing arrival at the top of the stairs, cupping her hand under hurt bloody maw will forever be etched in my head. Her two new permanent teeth that were just peaking through & the two baby teeth on both sides were surrounded by a bloody swollen mass of gum, and we didn’t know if she’d damaged or moved the permanent teeth. The dentist said she was ok a couple days later after an x-ray, but her smile still isn’t the same. The two permanent teeth are much farther out, more than I think they’d be if she hadn’t smashed them. Her main concerns that night as she sobbed & sucked on a popsicle were that she wouldn’t be pretty anymore and that kids would make fun of her. We let her stay home on Tuesday (it happened Monday night), and Thursday I took her to the dentist, since they’d advised me that it might hurt less to wait a couple days.

This is all reminiscent of K2’s accident against the back of P’s head a couple years ago when her head bashed in his front teeth. Literally. I had to move them back into place since they were aimed back into his mouth. I think I wrote about that at the time. I should check and make sure.

Anyway, K2 is at story time this time. I was grateful that K got home from work at 2:30 AM so that I’d have a car this morning. Its been too cold and snowy to walk K2 to the library for story time, so he’s missed a few of them. Last night, we had to walk P to dance class down the street at the rec center, and it was a miserable walk. We all bundled up, and I pulled D in the wagon. We walked down the middle of the street since not all the sidewalks are shoveled, and my coat froze so that it made those crinkly noises every time I moved. On the happy side, I was worried that our walk down to pick her up would be just the wrong timing to burn the rice, but it turned out perfectly. I made split peas, sausage, carrots stew-like mixture which we had over brown rice. It was one of my better concoctions ever – I enjoyed it immensely and the kids seemed to as well. D even let me feed it to her, which was a blessing since she objects usually when she can’t eat dinner herself.

I am going stir-crazy with no car. And then when I do have a car at my disposal when K’s home, I can’t figure out where to go. Its a sad thing. I have been depressed and not doing well on my diet or exercise ever since Thanksgiving. I was so discouraged when the 10 pounds that I lost the 2 weeks before Thanksgiving – 5 of it came back in the 2 days we were in CS. I exercised both days, including T-day morning. And I still gained 5 pounds. Which took me back up over 200 pounds (I’d barely gotten under). That combined with seeing pictures of myself at my SIL’s wedding on Oct 14 really bummed me out. How come all the pictures taken of me are from below my chin – not a good look for someone trying to lose the DOUBLE chin. Anyway, I’ve been kind of a slug-eating-machine since then. I think I’m about where I was right after Thanksgiving weight-wise. I’m trying to re-motivate myself with a new goal and struggling to find one that inspires me. Monday night, I went to Zumba 20 minutes late because I felt guilty for leaving K right after he got home from work, and I didn’t feel like I “deserved” to go. I’d made dinner but I didn’t want any, and he’d have to feed the kids on his own. Anyway, he got off the phone with his mom at 6:45 (Z starts at 6:30) and convinced me to go. I got ready so fast, went to the last 35 minutes of class and then sped out of there cuz I didn’t want to talk to anyone, afraid I’d cry to practical strangers if anyone asked me what was wrong with me.

Yesterday I did a little better and managed to eat pretty well (circumspectly) and I did a full T-Tapp workout. I’ve managed to keep the kitchen clean through my blues, but the rest of the house has suffered. The bathrooms need to be scrubbed, the laundry has piled up, and everything is dusty. My room is a mess. Today, K is eligible for work at noon, so there’s a chance he’ll still be here and I can go to Zumba tonight, but there’s also a good chance he’ll be gone again by then and I’ll need to do some other exercise. But if I leave the other thing until tonight, I’ll be too tired. So I have to predict this afternoon what my chances of Zumba are and if I don’t think I’ll get to go I need to run or something. I’m wearing my wedding ring. It goes on, but it leaves a muffin top on my finger. But I figure if I’m wearing it and its a little uncomfortable it will remind me to drink water, not eat like a glutton, and work out. That’s the idea, anyway.

And Christmas? Yeah, not ready as usual. Once again, it is here and I don’t have a plan. EVERY YEAR, I swear next year I’m going to be prepared with a plan and not leave everything till the last minute willy-nilly. Riiiiighhht. We’ll hopefully acquire a tree next Monday or Tuesday on K’s next days off, so I probably won’t put out any decorations till then, though I have them out downstairs.

D is moaning and groaning at me. She’s bored without K2 here and with me typing on the computer. Her mouth probably hurts, but really she’s usually ornery, so its hard to tell.

Well, that’s the update, such as it is. I haven’t written anything about my brother’s wedding in the end of Sept, or my SIL’s wedding in October. I should do that.


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Summer Over Already

August 11, 2011 at 2:56 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats, General Life Updates, Weight Loss)

This post is long overdue. Sheesh. Part of the problem is, I’m rarely sitting at the computer these days when the kids aren’t bugging me for the screen back for Netflix. Either that, or we’re on the go. So let me see if I can recap the last month or so with some details that will be valuable looking back on the memories in a few years.

1) D started walking for real about the middle of July. She is now pretty awesome at it. For the first couple weeks, she was having to pull herself up and then she’d take off, but soon she developed the ability to stand up on her own without furniture or a person. She is trying to get into everything these days, since she can now see the tops of the desk, the end tables, some dressers, etc. She likes to pull out the plastic-ware in the kitchen, and she loves for her brother and sister to chase her and play with her. She is thinning out, and is still tall for her age. She’s wearing 18-month clothes, and she just turned 1 last week. For her birthday (not that she cared), we went to Casa Bonita in Denver and had a grand ol’ time in the arcade after our dinner. She was strapped to me the whole time in a sling (she would have been trampled if I’d let her walk around), and she had a great time people-watching. P & K2 had a blast playing ski-ball, racing games, stomp the spider games (kinda like a dancing game), and catch-the-popcorn. We had planned on getting K2 and D’s cartoons done, but the guy doing the cartoons wasn’t good, and we’ve already fallen victim to that waste-of-money. We then came home and sang to her and had a jello-cake with cool whip on it, which she had a good time making a royal mess of. It was a great family day, and now my baby is 1 year old.

2) Going back a little further, the last week of July was my family’s first reunion at my parents’ house. There were 24 of us in all, including the babies, all using their bathrooms and camped out around the house (in AND out – K and I slept with D out in the driveway in a borrowed trailer so she’d have a quiet place to have her porta-crib). It was the first time we’d all been together in 12 years, and was the first time for some of us to meet the others’ newest children. The youngest was my sister’s 4th, a girl about 4 weeks old. Anyway, it was a blast!! We didn’t do anything too fancy. One day we went to the park, played frisbee, ran around, had a picnic lunch from the grocery deli. Then 2 of my SIL’s and I went grocery shopping for the week for the all the wonderful meals my newest (by 6 years) SIL had planned for us. We watched movies, but not many. The guys had a night out where they went to play pool and apparently got so slap-happy that people probably THOUGHT they were drinking.

We went to Manitou and had hotdogs at the Vienna Sausage place, and we climbed Helen Hunt Falls. We hung out at the mall, where K2 had a momentous occasion from an upset tummy that caused him to poop himself right there in Borders. Yeah, that was fun. Worse for K cuz he had to take him in the bathroom and get him clean enough to put on the clothes I bought for him off the clearance rack in JCPenney’s. We had a day when we played volleyball in the backyard while the kids played in a kiddie pool and ran through the sprinklers, and then later in the day they played with chalk, got it wet, and decided to paint their bodies in wet chalk. We have pictures. I think I was inside painting my nails when that started, but I was out there when we hosed them down.

The ladies had a night out, where all we could think to do was go to Coldstone. It was good, and so was the company, but I don’t think we had as much fun as the guys did when they went out. 🙂

One day we all split up and went different directions. For us, that day was for visiting K’s family in the south end. That was a nice day, too. Low-key and relaxing, other than D not getting a nap that day.

I went running 3 times, once with my sister and SIL, which was fun. I felt this was necessary (actually wished I’d gotten more runs in) cuz one of the main activities all week long, was COOKING together. We had Brazilian night, Thai night, Indian night, and Korean night. We had simple lunches and fancy lunches. We had french toast, cottage cheese pancakes (my morning), regular pancakes, tons of fruit salads, breakfast casseroles, and leftovers. We cooked a LOT. And it was awesome. I learned some stuff from my SIL, who has lived in Japan for 4 years now with my bro and has learned to cook a lot of asian foods. We had avocado shakes, which I haven’t had since I came back from Brazil. The food really was the focus and highlight of the week, at least for me. For the most part, I managed to not be a complete glutton, though.

It was hard to leave, knowing we won’t see everyone for a while. But, my youngest brother got engaged that week to the girlfriend he brought for all of us to meet, and his wedding is Sept 30, so hopefully we’ll see most everyone then. My sister was on her way to Florida for her husband’s new job, my brother was on his way to Idaho for his schooling (he’s an AF pilot, but going back to school for EE). And then there’s my bro in Georgia and us here. But it was also good to come home and return to a normal routine – which includes for me – weight loss.

3) P got a new bike right before we left for the reunion. It is a 20-incher and is almost too big for her, but she’s mastered it beautifully. With her off her little 12-inch bike (finally!), K2 has taken it over. We put back on the training wheels, and I’ve never seen him so focused or determined as when he figured out how to ride it. We have been enjoying more bike rides as a family, since we also got our grown-up bikes back right before the reunion, too. We want to get K2 his own bike, with boy colors, but for now he’s been pretty happy riding P’s old pink one. If we can’t find the budget for a bike for him soon, I’ll be spray painting the pink one.

4) Weight loss- for the 2.5 weeks before the reunion, I only lost those pounds I mentioned in my last post. I stuck at 230, and my body wasn’t giving it up. I started taking fiber and trying to detox on the suggestion of a friend, and it wasn’t working, apparently because I wasn’t taking enough fiber. During the reunion, I tried to exercise moderation but I didn’t deprive myself of much. Mostly meals, not much snacking. I gained back up to 232.5, but lost that within a day or so. Then I started taking some GX Assist my mother had given me. FOr 9 days it cleans you out. I only had one day when my reaction was kinda extreme, the second day. I felt ill, I had a headache, and I had like 5 BM’s that day. When one every other day is normal for me, that was a lot. Thank goodness those feelings subsided. For the rest of the 9 days I had more BM’s than usual, but nothing too drastic. I had a couple more milder headaches, but no more tummy upset. And then yesterday I started the PB Assist that I have 4 days to take – to replace the stuff that was flushed out with good probiotic bacteria. I feel good. I’ve lost 8 more pounds. I’m at 222 today.

I’ve been exercising lots of different ways: bikes with the kids and on my own (only 1 of those so far), running outside, running on the treadmill, T-Tapp when D is asleep on days when K isn’t around, Zumba on Mon and Wed if K is here to watch the kids. I’ve been eating a lot of produce with all my meals and snacks, and I’m still tracking on sparkpeople, mostly on my phone. I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks, if my schedule allows. Sometimes, time gets away from me when we’re out and about and I end up having just 3 meals (sometimes at snack times). I usually avoid starchy carbs at my evening meal, which means most days I’m kinda low-carb. I’m still not getting enough sleep, so that is something I need to work on. School starts next week and I’ll have to start getting up earlier, which I’m hoping will help me reset my body-clock to be able to get to sleep earlier. I’ve got D down to nursing twice a day, usually early morning around 4 or 5 AM, and when she goes to bed at night. When school starts, I hope to cut out that morning feeding, too.  I hope to keep losing weight at a good clip, but I can’t really control that. I can just control how I treat my body, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Some days I feel like I spend a lot of time cutting veggies and cooking. But I am a homemaker and mother of 3. So I feed more mouths than just my own, and that is part of my job. I feel blessed that I have the luxury to be here at home with them, and have the ability to have my kitchen at my disposal for my weight loss efforts.

I think those are the highlights for now. I will try to be more diligent about recording so that I can put in more details about our lives and the things the kids do and say. The main purpose fo a journal is for posterity, and I don’t want it to be a dry recounting of things post-fact.

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Here I Go Again

July 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm (General Life Updates, Plan)

On a quest to lose 90 pounds. I am following a slightly modified LIFE diet, and currently I am using a Sparkpeopl3 app on my phone to log my food. Quite possible I will burn out, but for now it is entertaining to log everything right there on my phone. I have lost somewhere between 9 and 5 pounds since Tuesday. I say somewhere between because the first day I didn’t weigh in until late afternoon, when my weight is probably at its highest. It was 239.5. The next morning it was 234.5, and now it is 230.5. So, I’m not exactly sure where to call my starting point. Perhaps, just to make myself feel good, I’ll say its 239. 🙂

I’m not even sure its a LIFE diet at this point. I am eating fruits and/or veggies with every meal and snack. Having a large salad with or before dinner. Not using anything but stevia to sweeten anything that needs sweetening (mainly oatmeal at this point). Not eating after 9:00 PM. Having 3 meals and 1-2 snacks a day. Eating a lot of produce with the meals. I am not going low-fat like the LIFE diet requires – I am using full-fat yogurt, coconut milk, peanut butter, etc. But I’m back to measuring out a reasonable portion of said fatty foods. I am not buying the foods that trigger me such as granola bars, or granola.

I am aiming for 5 hours of exercise per week. I haven’t reached that this past week, but I am learning what works. I have learned I can’t use the treadmill while D is asleep, so  I’m gonna have to start using it while she’s awake. Probably, I will put the 3 kids in P’s room and let them play in there together for the 30 minutes it takes me to work out. I don’t think that’s too unreasonable – 30 minutes isn’t that long. The trick is finding 30 minutes that D is in the mood to play and not fuss – a difficult task these days. She is pulling herself up and around on walls and furniture, and has even taken a couple tentative steps on her own a few times, but she’s not walking yet. Maybe the frustration is getting to her, maybe its more teeth coming in. Either way, she is very fussy and needy these days.

This coming week I am hoping to be able to attend both Zumba classes, Mon and Wed. That will be 2 hours of exercise. Then, if I walk/jog on the treadmill Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I will be at about 4 hours. If I include some bodyweight exercises with a couple of those workouts (30 minutes worth), I will be at 5 hours. Its not a fool-proof plan, but that’s what I’m going to work toward. I want to purchase, perhaps from craigslist, a weight bench and some dumbbells, not necessarily together, to help expand the resistance training I can do.

I am planning on this taking about a year to lose. K hopes I will do it quicker, like say a pound a day for 90 days. Yeah right. I am also intending these eating habits to become deeply ingrained during that year, so that when I’ve lost the weight it is natural to just continue on the way I’ve been going to maintain my health.

Other than that, life goes on as normal. The kids drive me crazy. K works all the time except for his days off. He’s sleeping right now, and though I had a car and could have gone to church I wimped out for taking the kids by myself. He will wake up this afternoon and probably get called in again tonight. And his days off start on Friday so we have a few days until his schedule norms out. I might have offended the neighbor kids enough to have their mom tell them they can’t play with my kids anymore. I hope I’m wrong, but time will tell if I’m going to have to grovel and apologize. The other neighbor kids just got back yesterday and I hope P makes friends with one of them – they haven’t met yet but I really like their mom.

The summer reading program is over at the library; the kids had fun with the crafts each week and grand finale pizza party. We spent 4th of July with my parents in Monument – they came and got us on Sunday and brought us home on Tuesday. D slept with me for 2 nights, which wasn’t very restful. But we went to the Monument parade and the kids got candy and then we spent a nice afternoon playing in the pool, having the missionaries and our friends Aunt D and Uncle D over for BBQ. Keith worked 9 hours on the 4th, which is double-pay and will help since he didn’t get a lot of hours last week.

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A Banner Day

June 23, 2011 at 11:50 am (General Life Updates, Plan)

Yesterday I bit the bullet and made my chore/schedule charts. One for me, K2, and P. We will print up new ones each week as the old ones will be full of stickers from tasks accomplished. We’ve already used a bunch of stickers just filling in yesterday’s column. We have established a new routine of daily bed-making and room-cleaning. I have put scripture reading personally and with the family on the charts. They take turns putting away the silverware from the dishwasher. They are taped on our cupboard doors in the living room. Not fancy home decorating, but important.

Part of mine is brushing and flossing my teeth by 9:30 (which implies no eating after that). Last night I got a sticker. I also called and made a dentist appointment for this coming Monday for the cavity that is giving me a tooth ache. I’m scared to go – scared its gonna hurt. I’m such a wimp when it comes to my teeth, but I obviously can’t put it off any longer if I wanna keep my tooth. Eesh.

I didn’t put working out on my chart yet. Since there’s a new one each week, plus space to write stuff in, I can add it whenever. I’m considering walking on the treadmill right now since I just put D down for a nap. I also want to start walking with our neighbor next week. She goes either 1 or 3 miles depending on if she is going to the gym – she takes her dog. I’ll have to bring the kids, so I hope it doesn’t make her dog go crazy. She goes about the time I’m getting up in the morning, so its a good thing I’ve put getting to bed by 10:30 on my chart. I tried last night – and couldn’t get to sleep until almost midnight, then K got a call into work and D woke up to be fed. Ugh. So he’s been at work since 2:30 AM this morning and texted me this morning at about 10 to say he was gonna work a double, so we won’t see him until after dark tonight most likely. Kinda sucks cuz he was only up for an hour yesterday when he got home, and then went to bed by about 5:30 to sleep until he got that call at 1:15 AM.

I only have a couple more tasks to get done today. Dinner being one of them since I didn’t really make dinner yesterday. Going through paperwork and at least sorting out what I can throw away is something – I haven’t really filed in about 6 months. Sad, but true. Getting my filing and paperwork in order would take hours, so I’m going to try and tackle it a bit at a time. Laundry needs to be put away. And I need a shower sometime today – hopefully after I talk myself into exercising. Guess if I did T-Tapp I wouldn’t have to put on a sports bra. I dunno.

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Life trickles on

June 22, 2011 at 3:54 pm (General Life Updates)

All that build-up for our first house-guests, and the actual visit was quite anticlimactic. They didn’t get in until after the kids went to bed, about 9:30. K got home shortly before they got here, and they basically visited for a few minutes and then went to bed. D was pulling one of her stay-up-late stunts, so she went to bed about 10, and then K and I finished our Castle episode and went to bed ourselves – an early night for me and I had trouble getting to sleep. They left at about 6:30, which means our kids were up super-early and the day was quite long and drawn out after such an early summer day wake up call.

The weekend was nice, with a family grocery shopping trip on Friday and a drive to Estes Park on Saturday. The highlights of that were basically getting to see the elk on the golf course, pet a couple dogs (K2 isn’t shy about asking owners if he can pet their dogs), and getting to play at a big kids’ playpark for a while. It was windy and brisk for a summer day, with smatterings of rain, so P almost had a fear-of-thunder meltdown at one point. Estes Park is beautiful, and I wouldn’t mind going back with plans to walk the main strip with or without kids.

Sunday we got to go to church as a family for the first time in 2 months, and I had to sub in Primary so K and I were split up the 2nd and 3rd hour. But he had D, so it was a bit of a break for me. If our little classroom hadn’t been sweltering I would have enjoyed it a bit more. The four little boys in my CTR 4 class were cute and mostly well-behaved. One was quite a handful, but I think it helped that he didn’t know how strict I was so he was listening to me for the most part. If he were more familiar with me, he might not have paid so much attention. The afternoon was lazy and quiet – K2 was on TV restrictions so we mostly just hung out and K took a nap for his Father’s Day. Not that we did anything for Mother’s Day – K was working that day. I was on my own.

This week so far has been kinda lazy on my part. Monday morning I did some more tidying and cleaning as prep for MIL, SIL, and niece coming back from CA. They got here in the early afternoon, made a big mess in my clean kitchen making tacos (good thing they tasted good), stayed for an hour or so of visiting and then headed south. K got called in right before we sat down to eat so he ate and then had to leave for work. The visit was nice, but I was disappointed they didn’t stay longer. Understandable though since they were coming home from a trip that they’d be tired and want to get home. Nothing much else happened on Monday after they left.

Tuesday, K was sleeping for the morning, and then in the afternoon none of us did much. The kids played outside and I watched quite a few episodes of a TV show on Netfl1x. For dinner in a pinch, I used a recipe a friend gave me for cheese cakelets – crepe like pancakes whose main ingredient is cottage cheese. They were a hit and we ate them plain or with canned fruit on them.

Today we got up and got ready to go the weekly library summer-reading activity, which turned out to be a lady pretending to be Scottish and using her border collie and sock puppets “manned” by kids from the group to tell celtic and scottish tales. Mom and Dad were here, and after the activity, we went to Longmont for lunch and a baby gate (K2 broke our cheap wooden one a couple days ago).

I have dishes to do, laundry to put away, tidying of toys to do (not much point in that, since D will get them back out when she gets up and spread them around). The kids are outside eating ice cream, having just finished running through the sprinklers for a while. I have one book checked out, but I haven’t read a book since Monday. Should start dinner soon. Life is kinda monotonous and repetitive, but it is good. I get weighed down some days with the never-ending dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc. But my kids are happy and healthy (if a little tantrum-prone in K2’s case). They have friends and a safe neighborhood. P has been able to ride her bike without training wheels for about a week now, and it her proudest accomplishment in a while. Along with now choosing to read “chapter books” from the library and being so proud each time she starts new chapters.

I have things I want to start doing, things I want to improve. Chore and task charts for the kids. Dieting for me. We’ve cut down on TV time quite effortlessly because the kids have been outside a lot, but I’m sure they’ll ask on a rainy day or sometime to watch a bunch of TV and then it will be harder to enforce. But I’m determined to have them watching much less TV. I’m still watching a lot though, hypocrite that I am. 🙂 TV restriction has become the new punishment a la mode for K2 and his temper tantrums. Time out just isn’t proportionate to his rage when set off.

K is home from a 15 hour shift and will be going to bed soon. Gonna talk to him.

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June 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm (General Life Updates)

So tonight my mil & sil are visiting overnight b4 they catch a plane in the morning to disneyworld. In our 8 yrs of marriage, we’ve only had nieces & my mother stay over (when I had babies). I’m kinda nervous about it. My mil has only seen our house in PLVL once when she helped us move in, & my sil never has. In honor of this auspicious occasion, I have done the following today: dishes, cleaned kitchen, made kids clean their rooms, some laundry (still have 2 put 2 loads away), cleaned D’s room (is been messy 4 a while from me transitioning her clothes), vacuumed, dusted, cleaned toilets, tidied general surfaces. I’m not done yet, but the rest has 2wait til D wakes up (vacuuming downstairs & the stairs).

In addition, I’ve walked 2 the library 4 the summer reading activity (they colored neat little paper telescopes), chatted w/ some moms 4 quite a while, gone over 2 a friend’s house & chatted 4 a couple hrs. She was @ the library picking something up & offered 2 take D while I was @ the activity, then when I went 2 get D we stayed 2 play & talk & she fed us lunch.

It has been a full day. It is 5. I have no idea what 2 feed the kids 4 dinner. Zumba is in an hr & a half & I don’t think I’ll get 2 go.

Sigh. I am typing this on my phone. Neato burrito.

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Bad form

June 14, 2011 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

Wow, that was bad form leaving such a negative post up for almost 3 months. Yikes.

So I was in a bad place back in March apparently.

Things have gotten better since then. I’VE gotten better since then. I’m still not perfect at anything, but the striving is no longer throwing me into a pit of despair. I still haven’t lost weight, I’m still not a perfect housekeeper, mom, or wife. But I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can do. My kids are taken care of, if they do still watch too much Netflix. My family is fed, sometimes more from just having food in the house provided by my husband’s job than anything I might do. We are clothed, we are paying our bills almost completely on time and in full. K’s hours are still sporadic and he’s applied for some other jobs, but we’re hoping he’ll get to stay on at his current job. He’s submitted a letter of “concern” about some of the managerial problems that are leading to folks not getting hours, and hopefully we’ll be able to hold on at this job until they make some changes.

We are still in the small, small town in northern CO. But we’re liking it. We have some small complaints about our house, but I’m seriously considering trying to stay here in this town even our lease is up. The library is having a fun reading program for the month of June that includes weekly crafting activities. The community center is having sports camps, a dance camp, and I am attending Zumba on Monday and Wed nights whenever K is here to watch the kids. $3 per class. It is really fun, its a great workout (even without me being an expert dancer or knowing the routines), and I’m meeting some ladies in town. Ok, only one lady so far, but its good to get my face out there.

The depression I was suffering from hasn’t completely alleviated itself, but its better. I’ve been reading a lot – mostly YA novels that are completely removed from reality, but fun. I made a decision a couple weeks ago to stop putting books on hold and just read what I had coming and then take a reading hiatus for a little while. I now have 1 more book on hold at the library and I haven’t read a book in 3 days, the kind of pause that hasn’t happened in months. I’m trying to think of ideas of how to interact with the kids some more besides feeding, bathing, and squiring them around. The idea of doing “projects” is completely daunting to me, but my mom had the ideas of having reading time more regularly (they usually read books before I get up in the morning now that its summer). Also of turning the sprinklers on outside – something that hadn’t occurred to me since I forget about the automatic sprinklers here at this house. We’ve been trying to have FHE, but its been sporadic at best since K hasn’t been super-supportive of that effort.

We went on a “hike” on the Poudre River trail last week with some moms from church. It ended up being an unseasonably cold day and wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped, but it was still a good outing. At least for the older two kids. They got to spend some time with kids from Primary outside of church, and I got to know a couple of moms a little better.

I have felt recently like I need to do better to try and better myself. To learn, to grow, and become a better person, wife, and mother. I have no idea where to start really. I think I’m going to start with returning to reading the scriptures every day with the kids, whether K is here or not. I’d like to add my own personal scripture time as well. Daily established reading time with the kids when I read to them, and listen to P read. Maybe daily art-time as well, though K2 isn’t really interested in coloring most of the time. We played “cars” for a while together yesterday but I got bored way before they did. Ha. I’m going to try and set a timer for TV time and limit it to 2 hours a day. That’s probably a lot less than what they watch now, though I’ve not timed them.

I still haven’t lost weight. I’m trying to contain my eating a little better so that the Zumba twice a week will actually make a difference. A new friend in our ward moved in down the street and she goes to Curves. She’s invited us once (we couldn’t go) to go with her – she would watch the kids at the park across the street while I do my 30 minutes, and vice versa. Her kids are living with their dad for the summer elsewhere, but will be back shortly before school starts. Her middle daughter is P’s age, and will be in P’s grade, so I hope they become fast friends. That is, if I end up liking her. Yes, sometimes there are small children that I can’t stand. I’m a horrible person.

In the end of July, we’re having a family reunion on my side of the family. All my siblings haven’t been in the same spot in 12 years – there’s been at least 1 of us missing at each big occasion. My sister will probably only be there for a day, because they’ll be moving cross-country from CA to FL with their three kids and newborn baby (due in 2 weeks). They will only be stopping by for maybe one night, and even that’s not for sure yet. My little brother is bringing his girlfriend (Its serious I guess), and my other two brothers will be there for a week. We will be taking a family photo, which should be incentive to try and look my best. Chances are I can’t lose all the weight I need to lose in the next 5 weeks (hello – 80 pounds!), but I can try and look a little less she-let-herself-go by then. I haven’t really figured out my plan yet except for limiting night-time snacks to one, limiting meals to 3, and eating more fruits & veggies than pasta and butter with parmesan cheese. 🙂

D is crawling now and has been crawling for a couple of months. She’s on the go. She’s also pulling herself up and can almost balance in a standing position for a second or so. She moves along furniture, and wants to be in the center of everything. At 10 months old, she is still nursing a lot, but also eating 2 or 3 meals of brown rice, veggies, and fruits. Sometimes whatever dinner we’re having if it is mushable.

She has a cold right now, so she’s kinda miserable with me wiping her nose every little bit. She’s wearing 18-month clothes and is very tall. She is very loud and bossy, even with no words in her repertoire.

K2 is still pushing all my buttons. He is also a cutie still. P is the peacemaker, and the instigator at the same time. She plays with her little brother even when she probably doesn’t want to, and is very good to him. She’s a great older sister, even though she has her irrational crazy moments.

K and I don’t get much time together. I can’t even remember our last date. We didn’t go out for my birthday or his – trying to wait until we had the finances to make it not so unwise. I think our last date might have been our anniversary last October. Eesh. I spend a lot of evenings alone – often when he’s not working he still has to get to sleep in case he gets called in during the night. I get so used to being alone, its almost weird when he’s here to hang out with me after the kids go to bed. We only have one car, but usually unless I already know I’m going to need the car, I don’t like to take him to work because there’s no telling when I’ll have to load the kids up and go get him. It is getting hotter out, and with all the mosquitos here, I am having to fight my urge to hole up in the house because the kids need to get out. Probably need to go the earlier the better for walks or to the park. D is hard to contain, cuz she can’t play at the park, but she doesn’t want to just sit with me either.

Anyway, I haven’t had breakfast yet today and the kids want to use the computer to listen to some music. Oh – I have a smart phone now which is a lot of fun.

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March 30, 2011 at 2:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m just so ANGRY. Mad, enraged, ANGRY.

The toilet overflowed. All over the bathroom. D is super-fussy today, and the other two, P and K2 keep asking me for things. Like gum. I’ve said no I don’t know how many times. NO GUM. And they keep asking. The house needs to be cleaned and I can’t find the motivation to DO anything. It feels like I’m moving through quicksand. Or gum. We need groceries, and we don’t have any money. AGAIN. We spent a wonderful day at a friend’s house yesterday, enjoying all the things they have that I WANT and can’t afford to buy. Stupid little things like a good, healthy supply of coconut oil or fancy rices. And bigger things like a Vitamix. A bigger house. A fancier phone. Cable. Dumb, dumb, dumb to be jealous, but I AM.

Then we come home. To our stinky rental that we can’t afford to have the carpets cleaned in. Where my kids want GUM. NO GUM!!!!! I should have seen the signs of the anger building, but I didn’t. I was trying to be proactive about at least ONE thing and make dinner in the crock pot around midday. The kids had just had a granola bar but they kept bugging me for something else. Oh, maybe some GUM??? Can’t you just wait until I get done here? D is crying. I don’t know what she wants. But I stop making dinner to try and feed her some of the fabulous baby food my friend helped me make yesterday. D likes it. But since I can’t afford a FREAKING HIGH CHAIR in order to properly teach my daughter how to eat solid foods, I have to hold her in my lap and hold her arms. And she twists and turns and fights me, even though I know she wants the food. Anger, building. Fine, no more food for you. I wipe her off and put her down, and she won’t stop crying. The kids, asking me for something I don’t even remember what. I send them downstairs. I finish dinner, all with D crying. Her diaper’s clean, she shouldn’t be hungry, she just took a nap. She just wants to be held, or maybe to nurse, but I’m BUSY dangit! I finally pick her up as soon as I can (hold her for a while trying to cut veggies one-handed doesn’t work). Then I go in the bathroom to find that K2 has BROKEN the towel rack, probably by hanging on it. He’s put the towel on the toilet, because he can’t hang it back up. Did any one tell me the thing was broken? No, I had to find it.

I LOST IT. K2 got spanked and sent to the corner when he finally admitted to hanging from the towel rack. But I couldn’t seem to stop yelling. SO ANGRY!!! So I sent him downstairs. Still holding D, still ANGRY. So I went downstairs to ask him what made him think he could hang on that thing, and found his room littered with socks and clothes I swear from just the last day. I’ve told him and told him and told him to put them in the dirty laundry basket in his room. More yelling while he cleans up. Then I found something to yell at P about. FOUND something. Like I was looking for an excuse. I sent them both to bed, stormed back upstairs, barely managed to hold still long enough in my anger to nurse D to sleep. Calmed down a little, but still ANGRY. Went back downstairs after putting D down to see what was happening in the quiet. They’ve both gone to sleep in their beds – scared of the scary screaming mom. I can apologize and they’ll say its ok. But its not. What is my problem?

Everyone wants something from me! And there IS NO ME. I swear I don’t even feel like I have a personality anymore. The kids constantly need something. Food, nursing, holding, reading, playing, more food. Snacks. Can we do this? Can you do this? Can I have some? I want, I want, I want, I want. When K is here, he either wants to have sex, or I’m supposed to be making dinner (that’s not entirely true or fair to him, but its how I’m feeling today). Even when no one is asking anything of me, I’m SUPPOSED to be doing something. Cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the floors, sweeping, organizing the paperwork, paying the bills, doing the laundry, making supper, or breakfast, or lunch, or snacks.

I’m lost. I’m gone. There’s nothing left of ME, and no one has even noticed.

How, how HOW am I supposed to LOSE WEIGHT on TOP of all of this? How do other women DO it? I don’t UNDERSTAND????!!!! what is wrong with me??

People we’ve met through church want to invite us over for dinner, or lunch, or whatever. To get to know us. Which would be nice, if I weren’t crazy. And gone. How can I let anyone get to know me when THERE IS NO ME?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. My faith should be getting me through this. Well, obviously I suck at having faith, too. Fits, since I suck at everything else that I’ve chosen to be. Sucky mom. Sucky wife. Sucky housekeeper. Just sucky.

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Things I need to write about but don’t want to tonight

March 14, 2011 at 10:10 pm (Uncategorized)

1) Trip to hospital with D Wednesday night last week: reasons, what happened there, my follow-up, and how the appt goes on Wednesday this week at her new pediatrician’s office to follow-up.
2) My trouble setting into a productive routine here at new place – and trying to blame it on hubby’s job.
3) K2 wiping boogers on his bedroom door.
4) K2 asking us “why don’t we just use the GPS?”
5) P loving to use the word “vivid” now that she knows what it means.
6) P saying she hates school, because all they do there is LEARN (said like a bad word).
7) Going to our new ward Sunday for the first time.
8 ) My new exercise DVD.
9) My longing desire to own a Vitamix.
10) Story-time at library. This hasn’t happened yet, but I’m committed to taking K2 to it tomorrow morning, so I will have to write about this when I decide to eventually write a real post.
11) My self-improvement cards. How should I handle tackling all that?

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In her swing

February 23, 2011 at 5:25 pm (Uncategorized)

And I think D has her thumb stuck in a binky that she is playing with. She put her thumb in it to chew on it & her thumb, and now I believe she doesn’t know how to get it off. She also looks super tired. Blinking really slow with her red-rimmed eyes. Whadya wanna bet if I put her in her crib she’d still find the energy to scream for 30 minutes before giving in to it?

The kids are running around in their post-P’s-arrival-home-from-school craze. They are shooting a nerf gun at the walls and fighting over whose turn it is to go next.

I have spent the afternoon organizing. Moving kids’ clothes from chest of drawers to chest of drawers. I think I have them all in the right piece of furniture now. Moved D’s clothes upstairs so it will be easier to change her now when she explodes yellow mustard poo all over the place like she did last night. K2’s clothes are in the dresser in the bottom 3 drawers that he can reach, but it is still in the main room until I vacuum his room out. P’s clothes are in the built-in drawers in her closet. Most of K’s and my clothes are hung up/put away in our closet. Coats are hung in D’s closet since they don’t all fit in the coat closet by the front door. Some boxes are stored in D’s closet, some in K2’s closet, and some in P’s closet. Book boxes are stacked next to D’s crib. Not attractive, but I don’t know where else to put them. If I put them in the laundry room/storage room there is a risk of flooding if something breaks or leaks. Everything I’ve stored in there is off the floor on the built-in shelves or I’ve put the rubbermaid containers on the floor with more vulnerable stuff on top.

So, left to do. Hmmmm. The garage. There are some things I need to bring in from there, mostly to store in the laundry room. Cleaning supplies (of which, we have a LOT) will stay in the garage, but the shelves out there need to be cleaned so I’ll have to rearrange and clean as I go. There are various other things out there that need to be put here or there inside the house. Not too much of any one thing, though. I am not looking forward to cleaning out there. It is going to be a messy, dirty job.

Well, D has decided she’s had enough of her swing. I will try and feed her and see if I can get her to take another nap in her crib. Wish me luck.

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