Bad form

June 14, 2011 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

Wow, that was bad form leaving such a negative post up for almost 3 months. Yikes.

So I was in a bad place back in March apparently.

Things have gotten better since then. I’VE gotten better since then. I’m still not perfect at anything, but the striving is no longer throwing me into a pit of despair. I still haven’t lost weight, I’m still not a perfect housekeeper, mom, or wife. But I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can do. My kids are taken care of, if they do still watch too much Netflix. My family is fed, sometimes more from just having food in the house provided by my husband’s job than anything I might do. We are clothed, we are paying our bills almost completely on time and in full. K’s hours are still sporadic and he’s applied for some other jobs, but we’re hoping he’ll get to stay on at his current job. He’s submitted a letter of “concern” about some of the managerial problems that are leading to folks not getting hours, and hopefully we’ll be able to hold on at this job until they make some changes.

We are still in the small, small town in northern CO. But we’re liking it. We have some small complaints about our house, but I’m seriously considering trying to stay here in this town even our lease is up. The library is having a fun reading program for the month of June that includes weekly crafting activities. The community center is having sports camps, a dance camp, and I am attending Zumba on Monday and Wed nights whenever K is here to watch the kids. $3 per class. It is really fun, its a great workout (even without me being an expert dancer or knowing the routines), and I’m meeting some ladies in town. Ok, only one lady so far, but its good to get my face out there.

The depression I was suffering from hasn’t completely alleviated itself, but its better. I’ve been reading a lot – mostly YA novels that are completely removed from reality, but fun. I made a decision a couple weeks ago to stop putting books on hold and just read what I had coming and then take a reading hiatus for a little while. I now have 1 more book on hold at the library and I haven’t read a book in 3 days, the kind of pause that hasn’t happened in months. I’m trying to think of ideas of how to interact with the kids some more besides feeding, bathing, and squiring them around. The idea of doing “projects” is completely daunting to me, but my mom had the ideas of having reading time more regularly (they usually read books before I get up in the morning now that its summer). Also of turning the sprinklers on outside – something that hadn’t occurred to me since I forget about the automatic sprinklers here at this house. We’ve been trying to have FHE, but its been sporadic at best since K hasn’t been super-supportive of that effort.

We went on a “hike” on the Poudre River trail last week with some moms from church. It ended up being an unseasonably cold day and wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped, but it was still a good outing. At least for the older two kids. They got to spend some time with kids from Primary outside of church, and I got to know a couple of moms a little better.

I have felt recently like I need to do better to try and better myself. To learn, to grow, and become a better person, wife, and mother. I have no idea where to start really. I think I’m going to start with returning to reading the scriptures every day with the kids, whether K is here or not. I’d like to add my own personal scripture time as well. Daily established reading time with the kids when I read to them, and listen to P read. Maybe daily art-time as well, though K2 isn’t really interested in coloring most of the time. We played “cars” for a while together yesterday but I got bored way before they did. Ha. I’m going to try and set a timer for TV time and limit it to 2 hours a day. That’s probably a lot less than what they watch now, though I’ve not timed them.

I still haven’t lost weight. I’m trying to contain my eating a little better so that the Zumba twice a week will actually make a difference. A new friend in our ward moved in down the street and she goes to Curves. She’s invited us once (we couldn’t go) to go with her – she would watch the kids at the park across the street while I do my 30 minutes, and vice versa. Her kids are living with their dad for the summer elsewhere, but will be back shortly before school starts. Her middle daughter is P’s age, and will be in P’s grade, so I hope they become fast friends. That is, if I end up liking her. Yes, sometimes there are small children that I can’t stand. I’m a horrible person.

In the end of July, we’re having a family reunion on my side of the family. All my siblings haven’t been in the same spot in 12 years – there’s been at least 1 of us missing at each big occasion. My sister will probably only be there for a day, because they’ll be moving cross-country from CA to FL with their three kids and newborn baby (due in 2 weeks). They will only be stopping by for maybe one night, and even that’s not for sure yet. My little brother is bringing his girlfriend (Its serious I guess), and my other two brothers will be there for a week. We will be taking a family photo, which should be incentive to try and look my best. Chances are I can’t lose all the weight I need to lose in the next 5 weeks (hello – 80 pounds!), but I can try and look a little less she-let-herself-go by then. I haven’t really figured out my plan yet except for limiting night-time snacks to one, limiting meals to 3, and eating more fruits & veggies than pasta and butter with parmesan cheese. šŸ™‚

D is crawling now and has been crawling for a couple of months. She’s on the go. She’s also pulling herself up and can almost balance in a standing position for a second or so. She moves along furniture, and wants to be in the center of everything. At 10 months old, she is still nursing a lot, but also eating 2 or 3 meals of brown rice, veggies, and fruits. Sometimes whatever dinner we’re having if it is mushable.

She has a cold right now, so she’s kinda miserable with me wiping her nose every little bit. She’s wearing 18-month clothes and is very tall. She is very loud and bossy, even with no words in her repertoire.

K2 is still pushing all my buttons. He is also a cutie still. P is the peacemaker, and the instigator at the same time. She plays with her little brother even when she probably doesn’t want to, and is very good to him. She’s a great older sister, even though she has her irrational crazy moments.

K and I don’t get much time together. I can’t even remember our last date. We didn’t go out for my birthday or his – trying to wait until we had the finances to make it not so unwise. I think our last date might have been our anniversary last October. Eesh. I spend a lot of evenings alone – often when he’s not working he still has to get to sleep in case he gets called in during the night. I get so used to being alone, its almost weird when he’s here to hang out with me after the kids go to bed. We only have one car, but usually unless I already know I’m going to need the car, I don’t like to take him to work because there’s no telling when I’ll have to load the kids up and go get him. It is getting hotter out, and with all the mosquitos here, I am having to fight my urge to hole up in the house because the kids need to get out. Probably need to go the earlier the better for walks or to the park. D is hard to contain, cuz she can’t play at the park, but she doesn’t want to just sit with me either.

Anyway, I haven’t had breakfast yet today and the kids want to use the computer to listen to some music. Oh – I have a smart phone now which is a lot of fun.


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