Immersed in Escapism

January 31, 2011 at 4:58 pm (General Life Updates)

The last few months have been hard. We moved back to Colorado in November to our old house. We took it off the market and submitted paperwork to try and get a loan mitigation to save it from foreclosure. The people K was working with at our loan office led him to believe we should be successful. But the future was uncertain. K was in training at his new job in Brighton, CO, from November 15th through the beginning of January, first doing classroom training and then doing CDL school. We’ve been trying to fight our way to the surface of our backed-up bills, and are having some marginal success. But December and January have been tough months.

The holidays passed in a blur for me. Once again, I spent the majority of my time when not feeding, clothing, bathing, or entertaining kids…. reading. And reading. And reading. A LOT of reading. Escaping from the ho-hum and difficult circumstances I find myself in to wallow in a world of fantasy and UNreality. To me, this is and always will be an addiction. So I’m stomping it once again, and I find myself once again in withdrawal. Book withdrawal. Bet most people would think that sounds so stupid. But it is true, and it will last a while. The only reason I’m even finding the strength to try is because my husband said something to me yesterday that I’ll never forget. He said “I’m just as guilty as you are, because I encouraged it and didn’t support you when you tried to stop.” He said, “I think it would be better for all of us if you stopped.” He said other things as well, but him fessing up to how hard it was on me when he encouraged my addiction because of his own selfish reasons was something I’d been needing to hear from him for a while.

So today I stopped.

The house is cleaner. I spent all morning sorting the kids toy bins and throwing all the accumulated garbage away that they’d somehow gathered. Sweeping, doing dishes, sorting stuff on the kitchen counter. Folding and putting away clean clothes. Don’t get me wrong, these things all happened when I was reading (except for the toy bins), but they happened less frequently, and took longer because I was always doing just as much as I had to and then stopping to read. D’s first few months of life have blurred by with far too few photos of her gorgeousness because I’ve been reading. K2’s lack of quality time with me is because of my reading, and P hasn’t gotten as much reading or playing time with me because of it. I hope I can change that, though this will by no means automatically make me a perfect mother. It will just make me more available. And more present.

Honestly, other than feeling guilty over my kids I still don’t really WANT to be more present in my life. I’m overweight and haven’t found it in me to do anything about it. As I mentioned in the last post, we’re about to be uprooted again. My husband is only here for a couple days every 7 days (something that will change a little once the uprooting is over). I don’t have any friends really and I don’t feel very close to my family because I can’t talk to them about my reading. They know I’ve had problems in the past, and I can’t bring myself to fess up to a 6-month relapse.

Back to the uprooting – I got the letter denying our loan mitigation on Jan 10th, the afternoon after I finishing UNpacking us back into our house. I spent the next 3 days on the phone with both mortgage companies, a realtor, and ultimately, our attorney from the bankruptcy. And by January 13th, I knew we were going to let them foreclose. The sale date WAS scheduled for the 12th, but since I was working on a solution that involved trying to get a short sale contract, they postponed it to Feb 16. The bankruptcy will cover it, but it is still not our first choice to lose this house we put so much work into.

So we’ve spent the past 2.5 weeks trying to decide where to go. We can move up to Brighton to be near K’s job, which is actually a blessing. Or we can move in with my parents and try and save some money until summer-time, when we’d move up to Brighton. K can’t be more than 60 minutes from his work during his 7-day oncall shifts, so with that option, we’d only see him on his days off and he’d be bored and lonely when he was waiting for calls to work up at a sort-of related person’s house. But he can’t really live there for 4 months because they have cats. So he’d have to rent a place and then we wouldn’t be saving enough to make it worth being apart.

So it all falls to me to find us a place that we can be relatively comfortable in, that falls within our budget, and that we can get approved for even though we’ve had a bankruptcy and now a foreclosure. I’ve seen some places, some super-skeevy, some ok. None great, and none that I hoped for. I’m kind of pinning all my hopes on the places I hope to see this Thursday. The pictures online look great, and I’m hoping they live up to my exacting measures of cleanliness so that I can feel comfortable. We basically have two weeks to get out of the house, though we could probably stay here right up until an eviction notice. Since I don’t know how much notice they’ll give us, I want to be out by or shortly after the sale date of the 16th.

This means we’ll be packing, again. Moving, again. P will be switching schools for the THIRD time in her 1st grade year. I will be living in a new place again. This time, I will be in the same state with family, but far enough away that they can’t help me with every day things like watching the kids and date nights for K and I. We’ll be about an hour to an hour and a half away from the two parts of the family down here in the Springs.

Or, we might end up at my parents’ house, in which case a whole new set of worries emerges, at the same time as they will be a big help to me while K’s away.

Either way, change is coming again. It is sad and exciting and stressful. And now, I can’t escape into a book to get away from it all. It just makes me want to go to bed and stay there until its all over.

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