April 16, 2010 at 12:59 pm (General Life Updates)

I’m not sure if I’m glad its Friday or not. In a way, I am. Because that’s two days I don’t have to take P to school or worry about homework after today’s is done. Because if I let them take care of each other, I might be able to sleep in a little for the next couple days. And because that’s one more week gone.

But that’s also one more week gone. One more week that we are apart from K. One more week that the house hasn’t sold, and in fact has only been shown once.

Tonight, we are going to a friend’s house for dinner, then my friend’s husband will watch his 4 and my 2 kids while the friend and I go out to Chili’s for molten lava cake, our traditional outing. I am looking forward to this, in a mild sort of way. I like her a lot, but we don’t have a lot in common as far as interests go so conversation might be stilted now that I have next to nothing going on. The kids will enjoy playing with their kids, and it will take up the evening hours.

Tomorrow, we don’t have anything going on. I could go to a Pampered Chef party in the evening if I wanted to badly enough to get a sitter. But I think my lack of action in that area tells me how badly I ‘want’ to go. So tomorrow might be a slow day. Sunday, we will go to church, and maybe to my parents’ for dinner.

K got paid today. About 250 less than I thought he would. So I’m not sure what happened, but I do know this tight financial situation isn’t loosening up today. I’ve almost a mind to cancel the molten lava cake, but I won’t.

Last night, my craving for a candy bar overwhelmed me. Workouts yesterday consisted of walking to and from the park pushing K2 in the stroller, and a quick BWO+ in the afternoon. With the intention of walking in the evening on the treadmill. Didn’t happen, because instead I loaded up the kids and we went to Loaf N Jug where I purchased some chewy candy for them and 3 king size candy bars for myself. I rationed theirs (they’re finishing it now), plus they shared. I, however, had finished all 3 bars by the evening’s end. And I hadn’t walked. And its a wonder I didn’t eat more. I don’t even have any words of defense – the whole episode was so blatantly ridiculous and avoidable. Sometimes I am just sick of myself and with myself.

Today hasn’t been exactly on-par nutritionally. I need to get it together. I need to work out, take a shower, accomplish something. Stop munching on stuff I don’t even really want because I’M SO BORED. AND STRESSED. AND BORED. Whaaah.

K2 woke up at 5:53 this morning. I intercepted him before he could wake up P, and we got in a clash of wills over what he was going to do, besides NOT wake her up. He didn’t want to go to his bed, he didn’t want to come lay in K’s spot. But I made him, and he cried tragically and loudly. Honestly, it didn’t occur to me until this morning that I might have to just get up with him. P was so drastically different. She would come in, wake me up, climb in bed with us and then just lay there, quietly whispering to herself or actually go back to sleep. And this is after waking up already later than K2 wakes up these days. I was SO SPOILED by P. When she got too old to want to just lay there while we continued sleeping, she had learned to turn the TV on, and she slowly switched to not even bothering to come in and say good morning to me. She just got up and came downstairs and found one of her cartoons on the DVR and came and got me when she got hungry. She’s known how to use the DVR, trial and error sometimes since she couldn’t read, since about 3 years old. Crazy, thinking back. So as K2 has progressed into wanting to get up earlier than any of us would normally, and all he wants to do is wake her up, I haven’t known what to do. I’ve forced him to wait in bed with me. I’ve forced him to get back in his bed. We’ve gotten mad at each other. If its not too much earlier than our normal wake-up time for school, I’ve just let him go climb in with her and wake her up, as I wait half-asleep for the alarm to go off.

Today was the first time it occured to me that I probably just need to get up with him. I know, DUH. I can bring him downstairs, put some cartoons on for him, and sit with him. Maybe even doze some more. Is that what I should do? I’m definitely not at my best in the early morning, not by far. After 20 minutes of him snuffling over on K’s side of the bed because I’d made him lay back down, he got up and said he was going back to his room. I totally didn’t believe him, because of his track record. So I got up, got dressed (of a sort) and brought him down here where we sat watching cartoons until it was time to get P up for school. Given everyone leaving her alone, P would sleep in until 7:30 or 8:00 every day.

Maybe K2 will get there one day. Or become his own little morning-caretaker like P did. But for now, unless I’m willing to sacrifice P’s sleep, I’m going to have to get up with him. And that does not make me happy at all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing ok. Other days I feel like the worst mom on the planet.


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