Anniversary of Miscarriage come and gone

December 2, 2009 at 9:07 pm (General Life Updates)

And I realized I never actually wrote about my last miscarriage. October 31st, 2008. So, in the interests of not forgetting, here is how it went.

K and I went to the hospital the morning of the D&C – I think my mother came to the house to watch the kids since it was really early. We had to be there before 7 AM.

I was more cheerful than the first time, but I wasn’t happy about the situation. Who would be?

Things at the hospital proceeded smoothly. In processed. Put in a room to wait and get my hospital gown on, blood taken, IV hooked up, etc. K tried to watch TV and bemoaned the fact that there’s never a bed for the accompanying person. The person that was supposed to put my IV in couldn’t find a vein and poked me painfully  until the person that was supposed to take some blood for a sample came in and did it for her quickly and efficiently. Minimal pain, too late.

Soon after I was being wheeled down the hall in my bed to the surgery room. Put to sleep in the bright, white-lit room. Waking up in recovery, not crying this time. I cried a few times over the course of the rest of the day, but at least I didn’t wake up moaning, “my baby’s gone, my baby’s gone” like last time.

I don’t remember a lot of the details from the middle of the day. We ended up at my mom’s house for most of the rest of the day. K had to work and I wanted the kids to have  a Halloween experience, especially since we had their costumes and everything. While the kids hung out with my dad, my mom and I went in the afternoon to get my subscriptions filled (for pain and an antibiotic and some iron pills I think) at Walmart. We decided to wait for them to be filled rather than drive back, so I used one of those wheelchair driving carts and we did some shopping. I was pretty cheerful, just in quite a bit of pain so I didn’t want to walk. I always enjoy Mom’s company, and buying things always cheers me up, especially on her dime. 🙂 People probably wondered why I needed to be in an electric cart, but I tried not to care. Or run into anything. I remember seeing babies a couple times and really having to struggle to keep from sobbing. But then it would pass and I would be fine again.

I slept some in the evening, and while my parents took the kids to their trunk-or-treat. They did well, and it wasn’t too cold last Halloween. The rest of the weekend is a blur to me, other than the Sunday night when I got a call from my SIL about watching her daughter on Monday. She had apparently been trying to reach me “all weekend” and was quite worried that I didn’t know I was watching her. Anyway, details aren’t necessary; I doubt I’ll ever forget that conversation and how irritated I was. Not by the actual task – I didn’t mind watching my niece. But by the scheduling and the franticness of it, and the way it was *my* fault that she hadn’t gotten a hold of me sooner. I’d just had surgery to LOSE MY BABY for crying out loud.

Moving on.

I still feel a little sad when I think about it. But I believe that the Lord has a plan for me and for our family. I can’t blame myself for the loss – there’s just no way to know in this life why things have happened this way. I’ve lost two babies now, and I’m not sure if I believe that those souls will be part of our family in the eternities, or if they still have to be born to another family – possibly mine – and get a physical body for their journey. Either way, I know the Lord will take care of them and they’ll end up where they’re supposed to be. And if I’m meant to have more children, I will.

So here I am a little over a year later. We prevented any pregnancy for most of this year as I tried to lose weight to stack the cards in my favor for a healthy pregnancy, though there’s no way to know if my extra weight had anything to do with either of my miscarriages. I’ve lost 40 pounds, and we started trying mid-October to have a baby.

I think I’m pregnant. We’ll have to wait and see if I’ll carry this baby to term. I hope so, but I try to remember that after all I can do, I have to leave it up to my Heavenly Father and the Lord. They know what the plan is for me and for my family.

Hope this isn’t too religious for anyone out there reading. My religion is a very large part of my life, but sometimes I’m so used to what I believe that I forget it sounds strange or a bit much to some people.

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