Feeling Unstable

November 23, 2009 at 9:22 pm (General Life Updates)

I’m sitting here at the computer. I just put the kids down and now should be the time when I’m setting up the treadmill and getting set to run and sweat. And I’ve convinced myself 10 times in the past 10 seconds that I will…..that I won’t…..that I will…… that I won’t. You get the idea.

I lost my temper with the kids tonight. Yelled a lot, etc., etc. I feel impatient with myself, with the world, anxious, tense, overwhelmed, ornery in general, self-pitying………

Wait a minute. Remember that post from a few days ago where I said I had learned how to cope better in the past year? That I didn’t have moments like this as frequently? Here I am. Why?

1) Worked today and need to start picking up my hours at home in order to finish a project I committed to helping someone with by the end of the year. Means I’ll have to work more at home – either spending more time on the computer or organizing my time better so that my time spent on the computer is more productive and less airy. This is looming over my head and making me edgier than normal.

2) P has a presentation at school in the morning, which means I take her to school and come home to get K and K2 out of bed and presentable. And make myself presentable, too. Then she’s out of school for Thanksgiving. More edginess.

3) Race on Thanksgiving Day. Tons of food on Thanksgiving Day. Edgier.

4) Think I’m PMS-ing, which means I’m probably not pregnant. Edgierrrrr

5) Resisted candy at office, but have eaten a lot of dried fruit since I got home, in addition to dinner and scheduled snack. Edges.

6) Feeling insecure and uncertain about new calling at church. Have no clue what I’m doing. Edgiest.

Writing this out has made me feel better. I have had all that fruit – but that’s better than candy. Had a lot of my mint chocolates from basket from work party (need to write about that), but they’re gone now and no more chocolate in house. I had long, skinny, zuchinni in lieu of spaghetti pasta under my spaghetti sauce for dinner with a side-lettuce-salad. Was good. Saved calories. Ate what I brought to the office and nothing else. A HUGE victory. Primary doesn’t have to be accomplished today, and I don’t have to learn everything at once. I apologized to my kids and hugged and kissed them because of my temper tantrum. If I’m not pregnant, we’ll keep trying and I have a little more time to regain my food-control. Thanksgiving Day will be fine. A big meal, some dessert. Not the end of the world, but I need to post a sign or something to remind me to eat well and balanced the rest of the week. The race will also be fun – no need to beat any PRs or outrun my husband. It’ll be FUN – and I shouldn’t let it stress me out. Same with the program tomorrow. FUN, memories for my daughter at school. Chance to see her in her school environment.

And if the race is gonna be fun, it can’t be my first workout this week. I haven’t run since Thursday so I better “hop to” as I tell the kids.

Typed myself down. Thanks for listening.


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