Wrote this last night

October 10, 2009 at 6:55 pm (General Life Updates)

And I’m not feeling much better and today hasn’t been stellar in the eating…..again. Hoping to keep it curbed tonight.

I am writing this post in Word since WordPress appears to be down for edits and I feel like writing something down. For the first time in over a week.

A lot has happened, including our trip to Utah and the 4 days since we returned. I don’t really feel like doing a recap of all of that, though I should for memory’s sake. Perhaps tomorrow. For tonight I just want to write down that I’m frustrated.

Time is almost up. In 1-2 weeks, I officially am supposed to be letting my husband impregnate me. Now, that sounds awful, like he’s forcing me to have another baby or like this isn’t my choice. It IS my choice, with the deadline that I set for MYSELF over 6 months ago. I want another child, and I don’t really want to wait any longer. I feel like there is a child waiting to come to our family, and my selfishness is just holding everything up.

But I’m not done losing weight and I’m terrified that I’m going to go off the deep end and gain all the baby weight plus a bunch of pounds of “my own”. That after the pregnancy, I’ll be right back where I started at 230 pounds or more. That all the fun foods I’ve learned to enjoy and habits I’ve established don’t matter a whit if I can’t keep my silly self out of the kitchen on a night that I don’t work out.

For the last … oh, I’d say month, every night that I haven’t worked out (and there’ve been quite a few), I’ve binged. Some nights worse than others. I’ve had two colds and some stress, and the workouts have suffered. If that were the only thing that had suffered, it wouldn’t be that bad and it wouldn’t have done a lot of damage. But somehow, when I decide not to work out, my body and brain take that as the signal that it’s okay to eat … through the work out time and well into the night. Eat everything…..even if I don’t feel like eating it or it’s not what I’m craving.

Tonight, I was going to work out. I even got dressed in my workout clothes while the kids were getting ready for bed, as usual. Then, I realized that after my workout last night (the first one since Monday night in Utah, and that doesn’t really count because it was only 20 minutes long and I barely broke a sweat I was so busy coughing and bracing myself to not pee) that I’d pulled a muscle in my back. Taking a deep breath to cough, yawn, or just breathe, hurts. It is right between my shoulder blades at about the level of my bra strap on my right side. So I figured I should rest it, let it heal. And since I’m still working up to full workouts because of this stupid cough, I decided running would hurt it too with all the deep breathing….and coughing that ensues with a raised heart rate. Okay. So I’m resting. And then, after a day of pretty good eating…..I go off the deep end. Let’s see if I can even remember everything to catalog what I’ve eaten since dinner.

  • Yogurt with berries & quinoa-granola
  • TWO Clif Kidz granola bars
  • THREE Clif Kidz fruit ropes
  • Veggie chips w/ ranch cream cheese
  • 2 bowls of Captain Crunch Berries
  • Dannon crushcup yogurt

It only stopped there because I got so bored of the options available to me, and was unable to branch out due to lack of choices. That is after eating the following during the day:

  • Shake & 1 spinach WW pancake w/ little peanut butter
  • Panera ½ sandwich, bowl of corn chowder, bagette, and ½ brownie…..later, a bite of sample sausage at Sam’s Club
  • Kellogg’s protein meal bar (¾ of it, other ¼ shared with daughter)
  • Lentil soup w/ steamed broccoli & dollop of NF plain yogurt, little Sierra Mist

Not a super-health-freak day of eating. But decent and not too extravagant. If I’d just managed to stop after the first bowl of yogurt after dinner with the berries. But no.

These are the nights, when I’m sitting here writing something like this at 12:22 at night when I should be in bed, that I contemplate pills And wish I had a frigging clue which ones really worked. And then I remember that I’m possibly going to be pregnant soon – which eliminates the option of pills, and terrifies me anew that I don’t have this down good enough yet. That I’m not ready for maintenance mode, morning sickness, workouts when I don’t feel good, and later when I’m huge. And then I feel regretful that I haven’t spent the last few months using Hydroxycut, or Lipo6, or some other sham of a “help”. WHERE’S THE ONE THAT WILL MAKE ME STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD????

I may or may not post this tomorrow. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m being forced into a pregnancy when that is so not the truth. Okay, well, maybe it is the truth. But I’m not being forced into it by anyone but myself. I’m forcing me. And sometimes I feel a little schizo because part of me can’t WAIT for another baby (and a pregnancy logically has to come first), while part of me is DREADING the next nine months while I try to not undo everything I’ve done over the last 7 months. So bear with me while I try to align the two people warring inside me. On nights like this, the DREADING TERRIFIED part is prevalent. On a night after a good workout and a great day of eating yummy, healthy foods in a CONTROLLED manner, the excited, let’s-get-this-pregnancy-on-the-road part is dominant.

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