Trying to be gentle

September 21, 2009 at 9:16 am (Daily Workouts/Eats, General Life Updates)

This weekend was ridiculous. I feel like such a fool after all that talk about not having any more treats until Tuesday (now tomorrow). I felt so “off” Friday and Saturday. My inner 5-year old came out in force with the “I don’t wanna’s” and the “you can’t make me’s“. I ate too much, and not of good stuff. I didn’t exercise. It was not pretty. But I’m trying to be gentle on myself and not beat myself up so much that it is counter-productive.

Finding myself up to 191 on Sunday morning was not a surprise, but it was sad. Our church ward had a special day of fasting on Sunday for two couples in our ward that are struggling with some stuff. I’m not sure what, but I was happy to participate, looking on a day of not eating as a chance to give myself a break from food choices, good, bad or otherwise. I had a hearty meal with lots of potatoes at my parents’ house last night, and had apple pie and ice cream for dessert. But I chose to not follow my instincts when we got home, which were telling me to have a snack. Have a snack. HAVE A SNACK. I reminded myself that I was still full. That the first day of choosing better is never easy. And that I didn’t need to eat anything, especially if I want to get back in the 180’s and below. The chances that the self-talk would work were 50/50, and somehow I stayed out of the kitchen.

This morning, I’m down to 189. I’ve written down a couple of things that I would like to re-implement from when I was doing the LIFE diet back in March. This morning’s green oatmeal had more spinach, and less fruit. I only used a 1/2 cup of fruit instead of a full cup, but the spinach was probably up to 3 or more oz from the usual 2. I told K yesterday that I was going to get a little stricter for a while and he agreed he’d try to help. Though sometimes that doesn’t mean much since he can’t make my choices for me.

A couple of the things I’m going to do:

  • Reign the size/portion of my snacks back in to bring them down to 150-200 calorie range instead of 200-300 range.
  • Go back to only having starch with dinner every 3 days.
  • Start measuring/weighing cheese portions again. I’ve been eye-balling it for months now, and I have a feeling the portions have grown from 1 oz to 2 or 3 every time I have cheese.
  • I’m going to make some of my healthy meals such as lentil soup, veggie soup to freeze and use as healthy fillers.
  • I went through my food log to see which meals I haven’t done in a while. I tend to latch onto things I like and repeat them, but there were some that I like that I haven’t done in quite a while. Examples: tilapia tacos, chicken-apple-chickpea salad, tortilla pizza, creamy eggs.

I’m feeling rejuvenated today and ready to take it on. This week is going to be pretty jam-packed, and I’ll feel so much better and able to face everything if my health goals are on track.

K asked me last night if I am sure I want to start trying for a baby next month, or if I’d rather wait until the beginning of next year. I honestly don’t know how to answer him. Honestly, my feelings are mixed. Here are my reactions, not necessarily in order of importance.

  1. The idea of getting pregnant and being off the hook for losing weight has its appeal. This worries me because one of my goals is to continue my healthy habits throughout my pregnancy (and the rest of my life), so if I’m feeling relief at the idea of being off the hook, am I really committed to staying in check as far as eating/exercising goes?
  2. The idea of growing our family has huge appeal. We’ve both wanted more kids this entire time, and I feel like my inability to lose the weight super-fast is holding up the progression of our family. I don’t want to be selfish, but I want to be completely ready to face the pregnancy and the extra responsibility that follows.
  3. Having more time to lose a few more pounds (I’d probably set a goal of 10-15 more pounds for the end of the year) also has huge appeal. The smaller I am, the stronger and tighter my muscles, the less extra weight I’m carrying – all these things I think will help with the pregnancy. And make it easier afterward to recover and lose the baby weight (assuming my weight gain is controlled and within reason). Also, losing a few more pounds before another pregnancy just appeals regardless of the pregnancy.
  4. I’ve told quite a few people we’re going to start trying in October. Are they going to bug me and harrass me about it if I’m not pregnant by November? Will I have the humility to tell them we changed our mind, or will I just let them think its taking a while to accomplish the goal?

All these factors run through my mind. And more. I just am not sure. I’m going to talk to K about it some more today, if we get a chance (I’m going to the office), to see what his thoughts/feelings are on the subject.

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