Going to try to explain without rambling on for pages

June 5, 2009 at 12:00 pm (General Life Updates)

I’ve had a bad week. I haven’t written about it yet because I don’t really know how to explain it. So let me try.

K and I had a fight. I said something that apparently really got to him – his attitude really got to me. To hear him tell it, I had no cause for my anger. And when he gets that upset, I usually have trouble finding my righteous indignation or the justification for it. He gets angry so infrequently, and his anger is always mixed with hurt, and I always feel guilty. But I couldn’t get past my anger this time, even though I can’t remember exactly what made me quite so angry. Stupid, huh? I gave him as close to the silent treatment as I’ve ever gotten, and since we see each other so briefly and rarely get quality time together, that means we haven’t really talked all week. He’s been trying to make up and figure out what’s wrong with me for a couple days now, but again since we see each other so little that just means a text asking if I’m ok and a two minute episode of him kissing and groping me and asking me what’s wrong while I’ve remained unresponsive.. and then he had to go to work.

So there’s that.

I’m feeling beaten down. Tired. Of what? Of never having enough money. Of never catching a break. Of going month after month after month after year of having to choose each payday what bills I’m going to pay and which ones I’m not going to pay. Because there’s never enough. Never. Of having a husband who is always delusional about how much money there is and how much money there will be, who always things its going to stretch farther than it will. Who says I’ve gone on a “spending spree” because I went to three different stores to buy groceries. But I only spent more than a couple dollars at two of them, Sams and Walmart – for food. For our family. And then two days later he goes out and buys a Sirius satellite radio for one of the cars for $60 and thinks it was a good idea. Add $30 to that 60 and I could have paid one of the bills I haven’t paid in two months. A husband who is so exhausted from his job that he has no time or energy for anything. Especially not figuring out a way to change the status quo so that things will get better. A husband who is surprised and upset when there isn’t enough money to stretch to an over 400 dollar truck payment for the first payment since we got it – because I’ve chosen which bills to pay and which not to. A task he’s NEVER done and wouldn’t even know how to.

On top of all this background noise, I haven’t worked out since Saturday night. I’ve been eating everything that isn’t bolted to the floor, and then some. I’ve been staying up way too late every night, even though I’m not exercising or cooling off from exercising. I’ve gained 5.5 pounds since Sunday morning. SO UPSETTING. So why haven’t I gotten off my butt?? Why haven’t I gotten back in line with my eating??? Why Why Why Why? What is wrong with me?? I’ve been trying to figure this out. I’ve given myself numerous pep-talks, kick-butt talks, psycho-babble talks. None of these seem to be doing any good.

But I know I’m just making choices. I’m choosing to eat instead of work out. I’m choosing not to work out. I’m choosing to stay up late so that I struggle to wake up at a reasonable hour. I’m CHOOSING to GAIN weight right now. That is so messed up. To even THINK about undoing all the progress I’ve made over the last 3 months – and for what? Why? Because I am wanting to get pregnant, and it feels like its taking forever to get to 160? Well, duh? I can’t lose 40 more pounds overnight! Because I’m in a funk with the things I’ve been eating since I started this thing? Well, duh, find some new recipes and mix it up a little, but still eat healthy! Because I’m bored of running and then lifting every night, and I’m worried that so much cardio is going to hurt my metabolism eventually or cause my muscles to get bored and slow my progress (hello, run-on!)? Well, duh! Do a different workout! I have T-Tapp, and I kept one Turbo Jam and one 10-minute Dance DVD back from when I was down-sizing my DVD collection. Do those! Or if I don’t want to run at night, go running outside in the afternoon! There are other options for workouts.

None of these possible reasons for my funk are acceptable or validating. None. And now the best thing I can do for myself (easier said than done) is to let go of the anger, guilt, and disappointment at myself for the last few days and start doing what I KNOW how to do TODAY. NOW. Losing this weight has been some work, sure, but it hasn’t been THAT hard. What am I whining about? I still get to eat good food and not go hungry. I get to move my body so that it is stronger and easier to use. I get to feel in control and like I’m making progress instead of morose, guilty, angry, disappointed, helpless, hopeless…. etc. I need to stop choosing to do this to myself and choose something else, better.

I read something at another blog today that struck me – this choice is mine. Ultimately, waiting for K to notice and worry and ask me what’s wrong and encourage me is stupid. He cares because he cares about my happiness. But he doesn’t really care if I lose weight or not. He loves me and thinks I’m sexy no matter what I weigh. This is my choice – its no skin off anyone else’s back if I choose to give up. So I give up. The only person that is really going to be affected is ME. No one else. So what do I want? I want to lose weight. Am I going to do the work or not?

I’d like to end this post with the statement that today is different. That I’ve come out of it. That today I’m going to eat well, exercise, and get some sleep. And I certainly hope that is what I choose to do. I’ll record what I choose when I find out.

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