Stumbled but not fallen

April 30, 2009 at 2:54 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats, General Life Updates)

Okay – bandwagon talk today. I’m at the office so I need to make this snappy. But I’m feeling it and I want to write it down right away. Came into work, knew I didn’t have a lunch planned and that there would be a meal provided at the lunch-time meeting. I decided I’d take a reasonable proportion of whatever was offered. If it was subs, I’d take a sandwich but skip any soda or chips and cookies. If it was Mexican, I’d take meat and some beans and pass on a tortilla. But this just goes to show that if I’d thought to ask the person organizing the lunch via email what it was, I could have planned better. It turned out to be Mexican. I took a reasonable proportion of chicken, a small portion of beans and rice and some lettuce. I easily skipped the tortilla BECAUSE I’D DECIDED BEFOREHAND. BUT, I hadn’t thought about or prepared in advance for….. the CHURROS. They were the biggest churros I’d ever seen, three times the size of a hot dog and covered in sugar. I capsized faster than a leaky boat. Now, to my credit I didn’t eat the whole thing. I ate about 2/3rds and started to slow down – it was caky and dry…. and …why am I eating this again? So I left the rest.

Well, then it happened. We got out of the meeting and I walked past a candy jar that I had previously resisted with ease while in the office. Or allowed myself a piece out of with constraint – working it into my daily plan. Today, the candy jar was broken into without thought like in times past pre-weight loss. Before I’d even really thought it through, I’d eaten two fun-size Twix bars and a bite-size Snickers. Down the hall I went, where I saw another freshly filled candy jar with … duhduhduuuuhn… Smarties! I love Smarties! So I grabbed one for me and one to take home to P. And down the hall. Saw another jar that usually (for the last year or so) has had dark chocolate in it, that I can easily pass up. But do I see a glint of a different colored wrapper than usual? So I step into the office in question, and sure enough, milk chocolate almond/toffee nuggets and Dove bite-size milk choc almond or peanut butter flavored!! And before I’d made it back to my desk I’d eaten 3 more pieces of chocolate and the Smarties.

I sat back down here at my desk (a hotelling cube) and thought “what just happened?” But I already know. I hadn’t decided in advance to ignore all jars!! Not part of the plan! The churro threw me off and I fell right back into my old habits of literally foraging the office for sugar (though I obviously have never had to forage hard!). I could feel that even in my state of disbelief that I was secretly from myself (is that possible) planning to go around again. That chocolate was so good! So to try and give myself a reality check, I quickly got a piece of paper and wrote it all down. Guesstimating very roughly at the caloric content of each piece of candy or chocolate (I figure I’m pretty close, if guessing a few calories high) I had just eaten about 235 calories worth of candy, not including the churro with lunch. I could have had almost a whole candy bar for that! I HAD had almost a whole candy bar.

That was the gut check that I needed. No more. So I’m steering clear of the jars for the rest of the afternoon and will come in next week with a bolstered resolve to leave them completely alone. My treats are planned for, enjoyed, and don’t instill guilt because of the fact that they are all part of the plan. I will also not make the mistake of 1) coming to any more lunch meetings (after all I’m flex and really don’t need to be there), or 2) not packing my own lunch and snack. I do have an apple in my purse, which I will eat if I get really hungry. But I should have brought my own lunch and I only have poor planning on my part to blame.

I’ve heard myself say multiple times within the last hour since this happened “oh, you’ve blown it for today. just go have more! one day’s gluttony is not going to hurt!” But NO! I’ve told my inner childlike glutton. I really want to wake up tomorrow and still weigh 202! I’m 3 pounds away from onederland for the first time in 3.5 years! And even then I was only in onederland for about 6 months and before that it had been another year. So I’m not going to throw that away for more little pieces of chocolate that are only going to last a few seconds (at best, I eat fast) and aren’t going to make my any happier or excited to be here in the long run. And they’re not going to help me be 202 in the morning, or 199 next week. They’re not going to help my digestion (right now I’m suffering from painful gut gas – not stinky, just hurts me). Etc. I don’t need it, and with all this said, I don’t want it.

So, stumbled but not fallen. Carry on. In the past this would have led to a whole day, week, month of stuffing my face with unhealthy foods. But I’m learning, I’m growing, and I’m believing in myself more and more. I’m not a different person, but I am becoming a better person. Not because I’m getting smaller – that has nothing to do with how good of a person I am, but because I’m learning self-control. Self control affects so much of my life. It affects my temper, my eating habits, my cleaning habits, my activity habits, my love life. Everything. I am the soul in charge of this body, this body is not in control of my soul. I’m not sure I’ve articulated myself as well as I’d like, but there you have it. Carry on, moving forward, improving but still not perfect.

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