Tracking Weight –

February 26, 2009 at 10:50 am (Uncategorized)

I want to go through all my posts since I started this blog last May and pull out any recorded weights. I’m pretty sure that I’ve been struggling to lose the same 5-7 pounds for almost 9 months, and that is just messed up. Granted, right in the middle of that was a pregnancy and a miscarriage. So I can’t beat myself up too much. But still, good grief.

I got an email from a friend this morning where she mentions that when she comes to terms with the fact that she is happier and more successful in her weight-control efforts when she records and controls her food, works out, and gets enough sleep, and that when she rebels against that saying she “doesn’t want to” it doesn’t help her, just hurts her. I can so identify with that – my rebellion against myself doesn’t help anything. And that’s what it is. Okay, so some people (namely all my in-laws) don’t struggle with their weight and don’t have to watch what they eat. Okay, so I have more weight to lose than I ever have before. Okay, so I’ve failed quite a few times to try and lose it. Okay. All of that doesn’t change my reality right now. The reality of being back up to 230 lbs and feeling tired, sluggish, irritable, ugly. The reality of feeling too lazy to do basic things around the house. The reality of having no s3x drive at all. This is my reality. And it isn’t going to fix itself or go away simply because I’m too stubborn, lazy, or complacent to make an effort and do something about it. This is my life. Not my husband’s life. Not my kids’ life. Mine. And how I live it, react to it, better it, is up to me.

This little pep talk is coming out of my fingers, but I have to be honest and say I’m not really feeling it. Or at least I have no conclusions about what to do about it in actions. I’m ‘planning’ on studying up on a couple things. I ‘want’ to buy a couple things that I think might help me. I’ll list them out here, but I don’t know when or if I’ll have the money to do any of it. Motivation is another matter entirely. Stupid situation with treadmill cords is a whole other problem.

1) I want to buy some kind of waist cincher. Kind of like a corset, but I want to wear it just to help get myself back in the habit of sucking my tummy in. Before I was married, back when I wore clothes that weren’t tents and when I could have a flat stomach if I didn’t walk around with my back arched in – I used to hold my stomach in all the time. All the time. And it wasn’t even conscious because it was such a habit. Then when I got pregnant and stopped holding it in, I’ve never gotten that habit back and my stomach muscles reflect that (deep under the pudge). So I want to get something to improve my posture and help me regain that habit just until I can do it on my own. I have a few prospects that I found online. If I could think of where to get a good one in a store, I would go try it on first.

2) I want to buy some cream that has some bio-available-identical horm0nes in it. It has been recommended to me by someone that I trust implicitly and now it is just a matter of buying it and starting to use it. I can’t afford to get my hormones checked out and I don’t know what to ask for anyway, but I want to go visit her and have her talk to me about it. I just don’t know how to ask her if I can come and have her just talk to me for a while. I guess I could just call??? Working on this one.

3) Going to check out a couple books. Eat 4 Your Blood Type and Joy’s Life Diet. Then need to decide on a definite course of action to improve my eating habits. Binged last night after breaking my fast. Not good.

Okay, well I have to go get ready to go to the office this afternoon. I’m really dreading it this time, but I just keep telling myself how I’m saving up for our floors and that I’ll be able to quit after that. Quit again.

I also need to write about a talk I watched yesterday from the BYU Education week, but no time now. And I hear K2 getting into stuff upstairs – mischief.


1 Comment

  1. Hannah said,

    Great blog and hope to have time soon to come back and read some more! xx

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