December 11, 2008 at 10:02 am (Uncategorized)

I’m still fighting my addiction to romance novels. It sounds so trivial compared to some of the addictions that people have to fight every day in this world. But for me, it is very real, and a very real fight. So I’m 1.5 days free and still convincing myself and stopping myself a dozen times a day from going to the library or bookstore – preferably the bookstore where there is greater selection. And where the addiction does more damage because of money wasted. Back before I quit this 13 years ago, I had already wasted so much money on this weakness – money I could have saved and used for much cooler stuff. I’m guessing the money I spent was probably in low thousand range, though I can’t be sure.

In other “almosts”, I almost talked myself out of walking last night, but then I did it anyway. I walked for 30 minutes, but didn’t make myself do any other workout. Last night when I went to bed I gave myself an ultimatum – I have to decide on an eating program TODAY. I’m still wavering between ESE and WW. My main reservation about ESE is silly; when you fast you usually have to keep busy because you have more energy and you need to keep moving to not think about getting hungry. Well, with my reading shelved for now (until I feel like moving on to different types of books), I am afraid I won’t keep busy enough. I’m following my cleaning calendar and usually the items required on any given day only take about an hour, if that. Then there is my blogging here, checking my email, reading up on some blogs, feeding the kids, changing diapers, making dinner for the end of the fast, doing dishes. But all of this doesn’t take up a full day. There are still gaps when I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m still not good at ‘playing’ with the kids. There just doesn’t ever seem like a good time, nor is it possible to do much that involves both kids. So I should spend quality time with P while K2 is sleeping, but I am usually doing my housekeeping tasks then. Which is no excuse.

Typing that out has made me feel pathetic. Today, I will do something with P! TODAY! We will get out all her coloring stuff and go through it and see what she needs and has, and we might just color together. I need to stop overwhelming myself with what I need to be teaching her and don’t know how, what I need to be coming up with for her to do and don’t have ideas for. And just be with her. Talk with her, play with her, color with her. Start simple, I am telling myself right now. Teaching can come when I’ve made a habit of hanging out with her for some time each day. Yeah. Then, later when K2 is awake we can do the more simple things like throwing or rolling a ball, playing “catch me”, wrestling, etc. The things K2 is capable of doing.

With that decided, I still am not sure I can keep busy enough when I’m not eating to not get hungry and/or keep away from inappropriate reading. Or that it will do any good if I don’t rein in my eating habits on the non-fasting days.

But, as my ultimatum to myself decided last night – I will decide on doing SOMETHING, TODAY!


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