Crying makes me tired

October 23, 2008 at 10:26 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I cried a lot yesterday. I went to the doctor in the afternoon and when I got there they’d been trying to reach me to cancel and reschedule because the doctor I’d been scheduled to see had to go to the hospital for an emergency c-section. I was fine with that – it wasn’t their fault I hadn’t given them my new phone number – but when I asked if there was just someone that could see if the baby had a heartbeat, I fell apart. Embarassing at best, especially since they didn’t have anyone there that could do it. So I left, still crying, and called K as I sat in the car trying to calm down and told him what had happened – or not happened. Then I drove home, getting some gas on the way, and as I pulled into the driveway the clinic called me. The doctor was on his way back from the hospital and could see me if I came back. So I went inside, said hi to K and got a really good hug, and then headed back to the clinic.

I waited in the little room with my pants off for 20 minutes, but I didn’t care because I was just relieved that I was going to find out if what I thought was happening was really happening. That I wasn’t going to have to wait another day, speculating, worrying, hoping I was wrong. He finally came in and was very nice and sympathetic. I told him my worries and symptoms and he did an internal ultrasound. Sure enough, the baby measured at 7.5 weeks instead of the 11.5 weeks that he/she should have, and the baby had no heartbeat. So my last glimmer of hope that I had it wrong flew out the window. I cried. After getting dressed and talking to him some more about how miscarriages can take weeks and we can do a follow-up appointment on Monday and then talk more about whether I want a D&C or not – I cried some more. Then I cried some more in the car, and went to get some junk food from a drive through. I went home and ate it, and cried some more. Then I started calling a few people that I felt needed or wanted to know, and the crying subsided. I was very matter-of-fact. I emailed some people at work to tell them what was happening and that though it isn’t convenient, I’m taking a couple days off. I hope they’re not pissed, but what are they going to do, fire me?

So I’ve told pretty much everyone that knew I was pregnant to begin with, but I still haven’t been able to get a hold of my mom who is visiting my brother in Japan with my dad. I really want to talk to my mom, is that lame? I’ve tried skype to try and call my brother’s computer, I’ve tried their cells, I’ve tried emailing my dad’s email account which he should be getting on his mega-phone gadget. Nothing yet. I don’t want to ruin their vacation, I just want to talk to my mom. But perhaps it is selfish to want to burden her with this while she’s in another country that she’s never been to, and I should just wait until she gets back in the end of October. We’ll see.

I didn’t weigh in this morning because I almost didn’t get up to take P to school, but then I remembered I was in charge of bringing the snack today. So I got up, got her up and ready, and took her, and then went to get the snack and take it to drop it off at her class. Now I’m sitting here at my work computer even though I’m not working. Sad, I should turn it off. But I don’t know what kinds of emails I’m going to get, so I’ll probably leave it on and try to stay off of it a little. 

I haven’t cried yet today. But its only 10:30 – give me some time.

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1 Comment

  1. Lori French said,

    (((Worrying and thinking about you)))
    Just wanted you to know you are being thought of…….

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