Over-reacting? I don’t think so.

October 22, 2008 at 9:54 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I’m marginally sure I’m miscarrying. I’ve been having pinkish discharge for about a day now, and I’ve felt weird for a few more days. When I say weird, I mean that I feel like something is wrong, that I don’t “feel” pregnant, that this feels like my symptoms of slight nausea if I get hungry and escalating heartburn have subsided if they were ever there at all – and that’s what happened when I miscarried 2 years ago. I was hoping I was over-reacting yesterday, but then this morning I woke up with more blood. Now it is dark brown, but I’ve had to use a pad and I have menstrual-type cramps that kind of come and go. So now I can’t stay in denial – there is something up. I have little hope that this is just a “different” pregnancy.

What’s extra-weird about this is I don’t feel like I can or should fall apart. I’m sad. But I don’t really have time to be sad. This morning I had to find out why we can’t use or debit cards and why I can’t log into my bank account online. I had to find out if I can cancel my direct deposit in case our bank is swallowing our funds. Today, I have to watch my two kids and my niece, and hopefully get some work done. I should do housework and work out, but I’m not going to require either of those things from myself. Its not up to me whether or not this baby is still alive. I’m not going to say that I’m becoming an expert at giving my problems and griefs over to the Lord and letting him help me carry them, but in this I feel it is up to him. If we’re supposed to have another baby, we will. And despite my sadness that the time isn’t now, I’m sure he knows what’s best. I can’t blame myself – I don’t know of anything I could have done or not done that would cause this. So it is just part of the Lord’s plan for me and our family.

Another feeling I have is a little fear. Since I am having cramps this time (I didn’t have any cramps with my last miscarriage and had to have a D&C) I’m assuming my body is being more proactive. So my question to myself is – how bad will the cramps get? Will it be almost as bad as labor? Will it hurt that bad? Will I know it is happening and have to lay down? Will I be okay? Able to handle it? How long will it take?

Normally, as soon as I knew for sure what is happening, I’d take the 3 bereavement days off of work. But since I only have a week and a half left that seems kind of pointless. But I guess if the pain gets bad, that will be the only way to get my hours? I just don’t know.

K has an appointment in Canon City this morning, but is going to try and be back for me to go to my doctor’s appointment at 2:45. Yesterday, I had my intake appointment – where my urine said I was pregnant so they took my blood. I made the pregnancy check up appointment for the next day (today) because I already felt something was up and I’d like to have someone tell me if I’m right – if there’s no heartbeat and my body is miscarrying. If K doesn’t get back in time, I’ll have to reschedule, which means at least one more day if not more that I won’t know unless my body makes it irrefutable.

Okay, enough about that. 227 this morning, which makes sense if there is nothing growing inside me. I haven’t worked out in a week, something I’ll have to rectify soon. But not today.

I keep telling myself that this is a small trial compared to what some women go through. My neighbor is suffering a lot more than me right now. Her DH is in the war, she found out she has 2 ulcers, and now she has found out she has stage 3 cancer. I can’t even begin to understand what she’s going through. So my trials come into some perspective.

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