Some Decisions

August 19, 2008 at 4:02 pm (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I was thinking after my last post about how a lot of that sounded like an excuse to not do as I’ve said I will do. I guess part of the problem is that I don’t feel like I’ve made this commitment to anyone but myself, and I’m very consistent in not following through on commitments to myself. This blog doesn’t feel like anything but talking to myself, which is fine. Sometimes it helps me to get a handle on the thoughts in my head to talk to myself by writing it all down here. Like yesterday.

Nothing has changed, really. I didn’t do any paperwork last night. This is the commitment that I’ve made to myself – and I’m going to make the same commitment to my husband tonight when I get home from the office. That as soon as we get the $100 to get the paperwork from our tax guy and take the debt class, I will IMMEDIATELY apply it toward said areas and then IMMEDIATELY do the requisite paperwork to get us done with this fiasco so that we can move on. Until that $100 is available (should be on the 29th of this month), I will not worry about the paperwork. But this will be done by the end of August. Since I’ve been saying it will be done by the end of the month for the last 3 months, that seems a bit silly. But this time, please, let it be true. Let me MAKE it true.

In my mind, identifying why I’ve been struggling so much to stick with my program should have eliminated the problem. And it doesn’t seem to have done that. So I’m back to square one in identifying my mental hang-ups. Well, not square one exactly because I do think locating the source of some of the mental block has and will help. But I thought of something else.

On every program I’ve ever been on, I seem to remember going off the program, or stopping the program, etc., because it wasn’t working. Or not working fast enough. That’s how I remembered Nutrisystem, its why I remembered sending most of the food back after about 2 weeks. Its why I stopped taking Herbalife when I tried that after P was born. Its why I stopped doing Atkins (okay, that was also partially because I was starved for carbs and went a little crazy). Its part of why I stopped taking the Meridia, it wasn’t ‘supressing my appetite’ that I could tell, and it also seemed to make my heart rate go a lot higher with less exertion than normal.

A while back, I was talking to K about Nutrisystem; I believe it was when I saw Marie Osmond on a commercial for the system. He asked if I wanted to go back on it, and I said no because it hadn’t worked. He, who has a much clearer view of some things than I do and a much better memory, objected. He insisted that it had been working.

I was thinking about that conversation last night, wondering why I remember things as not working when they are, and I think it all has to do with the speed in which they work or don’t work. I want to be skinnier NOW. I want to be lighter on my feet NOW. I want to be stronger NOW. And this is going to take some time. I’ve let myself go slowly and inexorably over the last 5 years. It is a good reminder that I can’t expect to fix this slow decline with one sharp incline over a couple months. It is going to take time. I probably won’t be right where I want to be by the time I get pregnant again. I probably won’t be right where I want to be 6 months after my next baby. But I can still be TRYING.

I found myself slowly starting to think that I wasn’t doing the full program — 2 full 24-hour fasts, 2 full AN days, 3-4 workouts minimum a week, trying to be conscientious about my eating in general, getting enough sleep, not eating late at night — because it wasn’t WORKING. Well that’s bull-crap. It WAS working. And it was working rather rapidly as long as I stuck to it. When I deviated, I’d go up a little and as soon as I got back to it, it would start working again. So convincing myself of the EXCUSE that it wasn’t working and that’s why I’m not doing it anymore is ridiculous, self-deceiving and self-destructive.

I’m wearing my wedding band today. It is between the two knuckles on my middle finger. I still can’t get it on my ring finger, but it goes far enough down to make it hard to bend my finger if I try to wear it there. So I’m wearing it in this odd location to remind me of what my goals are. To remind me that my program works, I just need to stick to it. To remind me that my program isn’t hard necessarily; I don’t have to go without, starve, deprive myself, work out obsessively, eat nasty foods, etc. My program is doable, simple, and rich in opportunity. I just need to do it. It has only been 2 and a half months since I started this program. In my original plan and success story I said that I would do/had done my program for 7 months. So I have no call to be giving up now after 2.5.

I’m also considering manufacturing myself a little tiny notebook that fits in my purse so that I can write down everything I eat. But I don’t know if I’m going to have time to do it today at work (comb-binding materials). That is still in the works – I haven’t fully committed myself to that yet.

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