I know what’s up

August 18, 2008 at 11:13 am (Daily Workouts/Eats)

I’ve decided that I know why I’ve been struggling so much to get it together with my program for the last couple of weeks. It is because everything in my life is so much harder when my brain and body are avoiding a certain task, thought, chore, etc. I’ve been avoiding something big time, and that is what is wreaking havoc on my control, motivation, determination, and energy. It is very hard to get control over what my brain is doing when I’m thinking about something that I don’t want to think about every moment of every day, but my brain is trying to avoid that very thing. This contradiction causes everything in me to just shut down – that seems the only way to get away from unwanted thoughts; to not have any thoughts at all.

It makes it hard to work, hard to play with my kids, hard to get anything done in the house, hard to focus on good eating and good workouts. I revert to auto-pilot, and auto-pilot for me is munching all day on non-nutrition foods, whatever is on-hand, not working out, cruising the internet instead of working, and watching TV the whole time I’m not on the computer. It makes me short with my family, especially my DD. Auto-pilot also includes a feeling of trudging through molasses every time I go to try and clean or take care of my house in any way. Fighting that sludge is exhausting.

The bankruptcy. I feel so pathetic that it isn’t done yet, and yet I dread finishing it. Because I don’t think we’re going to qualify for the chapter we want to file anymore; things have been going too well with K’s new business. And I don’t know what that is going to mean for one more bill and how long we’ll have to pay it. The fear of the unknown is keeping me from just GETTING IT DONE. A little paperwork – would probably take me about an hour. A debt class that would probably take about the same (but costs $50). Paying our tax guy for doing our taxes back in February so that we can get the returns from him and add them to the paperwork. That would take another $50 to pay him something and arrange to pay him a little until we are all paid. Meeting with the lawyers with all the paperwork, all the requirements filled and paid for, and picking a date and FILING for goodness sakes!! Its never going to be over unless I bite the bullet and just DO these things. And I’m never going to have peace of mind until it is done, one way or another.

So, I’ve known this for a while. What I need to do, that it won’t go away until I do it. Duh. But I hadn’t until today linked my control and motivation problems over the last couple of weeks with this personal little rain cloud that is hovering over my head and in my heart. Now that I have, will it help me to do it? Face the fear? All this growing that I’m having to do is not fun.

It is almost 11. I haven’t done any work this morning, but maybe about 5 minutes worth. I should be turning my computer off after achieving my daily hours in about 2 and a half hours. If I started actually working now, I could get in 2.5 hours of billable time before then.

After I turn my computer off I have the whole afternoon to ‘get stuff done’. I’d much rather weed the yard, do laundry, vacuum, watch TV, clean the kitchen, a toilet …… anything but do what I mention above. But I think I’m going to have to focus on getting all the paperwork in order, calling the debt class phone number and getting the particulars on that, and calling our tax guy to arrange a payment. Or this is never going to end. 

You know that feeling you used to get in school when you knew you had a paper due the next day but you hadn’t started it yet, and everything you did was overshadowed by the looming thought, “I should be working on my paper”? And the feeling you had when you finally finished the paper and didn’t have to think about it anymore? And you could do things without that niggling worry in the back of your mind ruining whatever you did? This is 100,000 times worse than that my-paper-isn’t-done feeling. So just imagine how fabulous the feeling will be when it is over and I don’t have to worry about it constantly anymore.

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