Monthly measurements

August 8, 2008 at 11:23 am (Plan)

I think I’m going to take progress pictures some time this weekend. It has been two months since my first photos, and I hope to be able to see a change in the photos that I’m not sure I see in the mirror.

I took my measurements yesterday and weighed in. Overall, it shows a 3/4-inch loss and a 4 pound weight loss from July 6th. I had small losses in quite a few places, and a couple of small gains in others. Some also stayed the same. I weighed in at 229 on July 6th, so my 225 of yesterday morning showed a loss for the month. If I’d took my Wednesday morning weigh-in, it would have only showed a 1-pound weight loss. So, obviously I could be doing more. But I’m pleased that the last week or so of struggle hasn’t undone all my hard work. Yet. Because I’m not over the hump.

It will help that I have now eaten all the treats (or what I consider treats) in the house. There are no yogurts left, no granola bars, no granola. There is some of P’s candy, but I can leave that alone with ease. I think she’s even forgotten its up there on top of the fridge. There are graham crackers, but I can have a couple of those and then stop. So, the house is a safer place for a dieter right now, and will likely stay that way for a couple weeks at least. Then, we’ll need to buy some staples but I’m determined to not buy anything that I have a tendency to binge on. If I buy yogurt, it will be baby yogurt with the oatmeal in it so that I won’t eat it. If I buy granola bars, they will be a kind that P likes but that I don’t.

Today is Friday, and I think in order to get my workout in I’m going to do it this afternoon. Tonight I am (I think) going out with my sisters-in-law since one of them is visiting from Utah. I don’t trust myself to go out to dinner for fun and then come home and do a late workout when I’m full and tired. So I’m going to work out when K gets up for the day to make sure it happens.

Last night I had something of an epiphany. With most of my epiphanies, the life-changing affect wears off after a little while. I think this one might just as most the others. But for now, it still feels powerful to me. Writing it down sometimes makes it seem silly or unimportant, but I don’t want to forget, either. Anyway, to the point. I was holding K2 while he drank his bottle, looking at how big he’s getting and I got thinking about the day he was born. My memories are still pretty clear of the pain of pushing him out, the horrible pain of the doctors trying to get the placenta out by manually ripping it out/off, the joy of holding him for the first times. I got thinking about when/if I’m going to feel able to do that all again. Contemplating how big I got with my pregnancy with him and how weak I felt when it came time to go into labor. How my muscles all felt atrophied and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to push hard enough. Well, I got him out, but as I thought it through last night I felt a switch in my mental gears.

As much as I’ve said that my efforts to lose weight are an effort to feel and be healthier, and as much as that is true, my real focus and desire has been to LOOK better. To be smaller, fit into cuter/more clothes. To feel sexier when I’m with my husband. Most of my motivators have been external and superficial. And they obviously don’t work very well when it comes right down to it. Last night as I gazed at my beautiful son, I realized that I needed and wanted to get STRONG so that when I get ready to have another child (when, not if), I’ll be able to face the labor with confidence. Sure, some trepidation and fear because no matter how strong I am its going to hurt. But if I get STRONG, not SKINNY, I will feel better prepared. Up until now, having another child is something I didn’t feel like I could do until I got down to a certain weight point, or a certain clothing size, so that I had some room to gain some weight with the baby without ballooning up to 275 or bigger like this last time. But now, I feel like I need to do this so that I am stronger, have better muscle tone, and CAN push a baby out without feeling like I’m going to die. šŸ™‚ Or maybe just die a little less. I’m not sure I’ve explained this well enough to engender the FEELING I have right now, but I’m not sure what else to say. Except that now I know that I’ll be wanting another baby, and soon. And that I’m not going to use getting skinny (or at least skinnier) as a motivation to getting my workouts in and eating reasonably. My motivation is to get strong. Strengthen my tummy and my back and my legs and my arms so that my muscles can support my pregnancy and my labor. I think the last time, my fat is all that held us together and that is probably why I was so tired, unmotivated, and grumpy the whole time.

Last night, this new mind-set helped me to do an “optional” Thursday night workout (20 minute SATI). It is also what is helping me to do my workout this afternoon instead of leaving it until tonight, when I KNOW I won’t do it because of the girls’ night out. It helped to keep my from binging last night after my workout; I had a small bowl of granola and a granola bar (last one). I don’t kid myself that this new mind-set will keep me from binging if I fill the house with goodies again, so I’m not going to do that. But if I can at the very least use this motivation, this idea, to get all my workouts in, then I should be able to build some muscle. I’m thinking we’ll start trying in December or January. That will make K2 a little over 1 when I get pregnant (if it is right away), and he’ll basically be 2 when the baby is due. That isn’t quite as convenient as 3 due to not being ready to help QUITE as much as P was at 3 and a little, but I just don’t think I want to have 3 years in between all my babies because that takes up too many of my years and puts me too old for how many children I think I want to have.

Anyway, enough planned parenthood. Message = get STRONGER, not SKINNIER. Skinnier can be a nice side-benefit. I also think I’m going to try and do one Turbo Jam workout sometime soon, to remind myself what it is like and see if its something I want to incorporate.

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