Comfy in My Skin

Today, we painted the back wall of the living room and half the south wall, including edges. It looke pretty great, and it is a relief to see some visual progress. Last week we didn’t get much of anything done except the initial clean-up of the garage to get rid of the swing set.

Today, while doing a little bit of work from home, I made a list of all the things to be done. Some are small things, some are bigger. I tried to break the big things (like painting the whole interior of the house) into smaller chunks that we can pick and then have something to cross off at the end of the day. Upstairs, I broke it into rooms. Down here, I broke it into main walls. I listed every little thing I could think of, and I’m hoping that it will be enough to pick 3 or 4 things per day to get done in order to get it all done in the next 2.5 weeks. Tonight when K gets home, we’re going to pick what the plan is for tomorrow. Tonight, I’m going to go upstairs and pack up some of the stuff I feel should be packed for the house to look bigger. I won’t be able to pick up the boxes once they’re full (unless its all light stuff, but it will be mostly books), but I can shove them to a room to stack until we (meaning, K) can move them to the garage.

P didn’t have school today due to snow and a 2-hour delay that we didn’t see in the TV notifications. So K took her to an empty school, and then came back home. Bummer. Then we both slept in – my until after 10, him until almost 12. Not a great way to get a lot done – sleeping for half the day. He’s struggling to adjust to going to sleep earlier now that he’s home by 9, and its slow going. He hasn’t gone to sleep before midnight once yet.

I’m hoping for a snow day tomorrow – in theory to get more done without having to leave the house to take her and go get her. We shall see. Now that I’m not working at the office (EVER AGAIN – YIPPEE), I’m going to go back to my google cleaning calendar that emails me cleaning tasks for each day. Just a few a day to keep the house always clean. This will be even more important once the house is on the market to make for an easy tidy-up and leave for showings.

I haven’t been eating healthy at all this weekend, or today. But I’m going to work out tonight – 30 minutes. It might not be too hard core because I’m still suffering from this cold. But I’m getting better, so placekeeper workouts it is. It doesn’t help that we really need groceries, but aren’t going to have money for them until this weekend. There’s also the fact that we’re supposed to register the H3, and our first H3 payment is coming up on the 19th. We’re broke, big-time. I can’t wait to get out of here, out of the mortgage, and to a minimalist place of fewer bills and a simpler life. In theory.

Friday was my going away lunch at work, and my last afternoon in the office. Awkward, because I wasn’t sad at ALL. Saturday, I went with 3 ladies from work to Denver to Rialto Cafe for lunch and Legally Blonde the play at the Buell Theater. Lunch was excellent (I had crab avocado benedict) and the play was great. So clever how they took the plot and made it all into song and dance – and in such a fun way!! We really enjoyed it, even with me trying not to cough through the whole thing.

Sunday at church yesterday was fine for me other than the kids having the worst wiggles I’d ever seen and my cold taking away my voice. Then I find out last night that someone else was suffering from major drama and taking offense at things that hadn’t even registered on my radar. I just don’t know about people anymore. We had dinner at my parents’ last night, and that was nice as always. I snoozed on the way home, which I haven’t done in a long time. But it was good I think since if I’d been awake the worsening roads would have made me a nervous (more so than usual) passenger.

K is off to work right now. The kids are playing contentedly with the promise that they can watch TV in 30 minutes (they haven’t watched much today!). I’m going to go upstairs and pack some stuff; I’m sure the kids will follow me and play in their toys and maybe we’ll make it past the 30 minutes without them even noticing!

So today has been a nice day, if not very productive.

Got up around 9:30 (my kids are awesome!) and made the kids breakfast and made an amazing bowl of oatmeal. Got showered and ready to go to my movie.

The kids and DH took me to the Whole Foods in the same parking lot as the theater so I could buy my movie treats. I got some fresh tortilla chips, some 2-bite cinnamon rolls, and a couple of bars, the only one of which I ate the whole thing was a small milk chocolate almond toffee bar. The others were an Amazing Grass bar (didn’t open and now can’t find in my purse, so maybe I didn’t buy it), a Larabar (about half-gone) and a Think Thin peanut butter bar (had a bite and didn’t love it, so I’ll probably be saving this for some night when I’m desperate for something kind of sweet). Or maybe I’ll cut it into pieces and see if the kids like it since its high protein.

Walked over to the movie theater, got my ticket from the kiosk, and then walked around to the IMAX entrance to get my glasses. And settled in for the movie. Which was great. I really enjoyed it. Not much else to say about that – Avatar has been written about plenty and doesn’t need any more publicity from me.

The family picked me up when the movie was over and we drove over to Paradise Sales (gun shop) for K to browse. Then home. Watched a little TV as a family, K made a baked potato dinner that was pretty great.

Now we’re (I’m) just killing time until bed time for the kids. P is definitely going back to school tomorrow, so I need to get some good sleep. Had a good workout last night, and tomorrow is my last day in the office, along with my going away luncheon – which feels awkward since I’ve already had one over a year ago. I feel a headache coming on, but I’m not going to let it stop me from working out tonight.

Sunday wasn’t too bad in the eating department – could have been worse. Monday and Tuesay were kind of a crash and burn, especially Monday night. And there was no exercising.

It is now Wednesday and I am sitting here in my workout clothes with the treadmill set up ready to get to work as soon as the kids go to bed in about 2 hours. P hasn’t gone to school since Monday due to a wicked cold with lots of coughing that her little brother (and now K and I) also have. I don’t think she’s going tomorrow, either.

Monday, I spent a good chunk of the day out in the garage clearing away stuff from the swing set that I purchased from craigslist a few months ago. I posted it for free on craigslist and it was gone in 2 hours. Anyway, it took a while to clear a way to get it out of the garage, and then after it was gone, I spent a while longer cleaning up, sweeping, organizing, going through stuff (a lot of garbage). The garage looks MUCH better now, though it is still almost completely full of stuff. At least the walking pathway is much wider and clearer.

We also found out on Monday that K’s first day at his new job in Utah is going to be March 1st rather than next Tuesday. This leaves us much more time to get the house fixed up, on the market, and things ready before K leaves us, and we’re both very excited for the time. K is only working on account as of last night, from 6-9 in the evenings 5 days a week, so we’ll get to spend a lot more time together, he’ll have a lot more time to work on the house, and things shouldn’t be so frantic. It took me 2 days to wrap my mind around the relief – part of the eating and no working-out. I basically had a mental meltdown and went into slug-mode. I have issues.

I feel better today. Went to the office for my second-to-last day there, and got some stuff done. Also decided with my boss to push my actual “QUIT” date back to Feb 26th and after this Friday (last day in office), I’ll continue to do a little work from home this month. The money will be welcome, and this way I’ll actually be QUITTED (a word?) right before K leaves for Utah. So I’m glad about that, because we could definitely use the money this month.

I’m going to see Avatar at the IMAX theater tomorrow, by myself. I’m really excited – bought my ticket on Fandango tonight for the 11:20 showing. I’ve only been to 2 movies by myself, and I’ve enjoyed the experience immensely both times. I’m looking forward to seeing this highly acclaimed movie all alone so I can form my own opinions about it, and I’m also stoked about seeing it in IMAX. Should be an experience. I’m going to take snacks with me, hopefully nothing too bad for me or too excessive, though there will probably be chocolate involved. Maybe I can swing by Whole Foods (right there in same parking lot) before and grab something fun. It was an expensive movie ticket, but compared to the money my husband spent last week online on KILTS, I feel ok with the expenditure on myself. Yes, KILTS, 3 of them. Sometimes I could just wring his neck.

Other than the garage, we haven’t made any progress around here. I think I’m going to have to start scheduling out our days the night before. Going over what we COULD work on and get his buy-in on the chosen project. We really can’t afford to slack off even though we now have a month instead of less than a week. There’s still so much to do!!

Doing a 30 minute workout tonight. Mostly upper body and a 20 minute run. I can tell I’ve gained weight around my ribs – my sports bra is making it difficult to breathe as I sit here. I might have to switch back to my larger sports bra soon. Oh, and I’m at 14 weeks pregnant exactly today. Exciting stuff!!

I know I title a lot of my posts like that, and then two days later I’m posting about another crash and burn. But I’m going to write about it anyway.

Tonight I worked out. After a day of business and a big indulgence, and while K was still here before leaving for work. After a family activity, and with the beginnings of a headache. That makes two days now. Friday and Saturday.

I decided a few nights ago (after the must get it together post) that I needed to start making my daily to-do lists again. A day at a time. And my daily to-do needs to include working out. But since working out for an hour (I have this mental block that if I don’t work out for an hour, its not worth it and there’s no point) was seemingly so daunting, I was going to do something revolutionary. I was going to work out for 30 minutes. I know! Living on the wild side! I can wrap my mind around 30 minutes.

So Friday, I started my plan. I lifted weights, mostly upper body with one compound movement to include some squats, for 10 minutes. Then I did intervals in the treadmill for 20 minutes, alternating running at 5.0 mph for 2 minutes with walking at 4.0 mph and an incline (between 5 and 8%) for 2 minutes. There, done, presto. 30 minute workout, a good shake and sweat going on. A good burn on my muscles and bones.

Today, I was sore. My shoulders, upper back, triceps and pectorals. It felt good. Tonight I did a bunch of different kinds of squats and lunges for 10 minutes and then intervals for 20. Felt good.

And like I said, today was busy. Well, the afternoon was. This morning consisted of doing some dishes, taking a shower, feeding the kids and getting ready to go out with my friend. She came and got me at 1 (an hour late, not her fault) and we went to Chili’s where I had egg rolls and 2 cups of soup (they brought me the wrong kind, then the right kind, and I ate both). And then a molten lava cake. Which was SO GOOD. But huge, and over a thousand calories just on its own. Then we went to Gordman’s so she could show me around one of her favorite stores. Its a pretty cool store; I’ll probably go back when I am ready to spend some money.

She dropped me off at the house so that I could help K load up the kids for bowling with his family. We went to Fountain Valley Bowl, where we spent 3 hours bowling. Everyone else had pizza. I just drank some soda (probably too much, another factor for how hard it was to run tonight) and had a couple bites of pizza, still full from Chili’s. Bowling was fun. I got a 102 (pretty good for me), then a 161!!! Highest score of the night! I was so pleased with that. Then, the last game, I stuck true to my norm and bowled a 76. Sad. But fun.

We got done at about 7:30 and came home to give the kids a bath. They were both filthy, and poor K2 is suffering from a nasty cold. We put them to bed, or rather K put them to bed while I started my workout. And when K2 started crying shortly after I finished my workout, I ran to the store to get some cold medicine (and a couple other things that K couldn’t get at Sam’s today while I was out with my friend). But I forgot white chocolate morsels for my oatmeal! Which I’m pretty bummed about. I’ll live. I still have to go soon and get more Naturally More peanut butter at Walmart, so I’ll get them then. In the meantime, I need to use the almond butter that I have in the fridge that my taste buds are still adjusting to.

Anyway, with all that I’m happy that I didn’t try and talk myself out of working out tonight. It felt good, I feel good, and I really don’t have the “I’m too tired with this pregnancy” excuse anymore. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks, and I feel like it is safe to lose some of that without hurting the baby. If anyone’s reading this, please know I will eat plenty and I won’t do anything dangerous. I’ll just keep working out (30 minutes YAY), and stop binging, and I think at least some of the weight I’ve gained will come off so that I can continue to try and gain just 30 pounds with this pregnancy, and not all in one month. Sheesh.

Tomorrow is church, but I think I’m going to have to stay home with K2 so that K can take P and teach his class. I’m thinking nap while K2 naps. K2 hasn’t had a nap in the past two days and that hasn’t helped with his recovery from this cold. Poor little tike; I hate seeing him or P suffer with sickness.

So the key tomorrow is going to be staying out of the kitchen – Sundays are really bad for the munchies. Gonna make my daily list, even though it is a ‘day of rest’, just to keep myself on track. Sleep well!!

That is a bad sign. Tonight, as we ate our rushed meal of frozen chicken nuggets, instant brocolli/cheese rice packet, I made the comment that I have to get it together. And K agreed with me. I said it was sad that he had to agree, and he was like, “well, what do you mean when you say that?” I said – I haven’t worked out in almost 2 weeks, I am eating everything out of control, I’m not getting anything done, I haven’t fixed a meal ahead of time in a week.” I didn’t mention how poorly I’ve been sleeping. Well, he was like “yup.”

And that’s how its been. I have gone to a bad place mentally. Today is the perfect example of how I’m feeling.

I got up (barely) to get P to school. Got her dressed, brushed, and fed and out the door in the snow. Wished it was a snow day.
Came home and went back to bed to read scriptures and doze off.
Got up when I heard K2 yelping, fed him his breakfast, made my own. Didn’t even bother to put fruit or veggie in my oatmeal. Just protein powder, sugar, peanut butter, butterscotch chips. Basically candy oatmeal. The only fruit we have left is frozen blueberries (only like in smoothies) and half an apple.
Sat down at computer and basically sat there until right before it was time to get P from school.
Went back upstairs to have a conversation/wake up K until it was time to go. Was going to get him to go, but he didn’t want to and I didn’t have a good reason to make him. I have 4 wheel drive.
Went to get P.
Came home, ate some licorice, a drink of soda.
Started making lentils and quinoa.
Watched TV, read on the computer, helped P with homework. Generally was restless and didn’t know what to do with myself, because all I really wanted to do was eat or go to bed.
The whole afternoon passed this way. Computer, TV, eating. Had licorice, Runts, soda, my lunch of quinoa and lentils w/ cauliflower, celery, and carrots. More licorice, more Runts. More. More until licorice and Runts are gone.
Made a “schedule” for next week with K about which day to do which renovations/preparations for the move.
Was useless some more.
Dinner time arrived without much preparation from me, so we tried to go cash a check to get enough money for some fast food (for shame!). The check wouldn’t cash because the girl that wrote it and told me to cash it Thursday probably didn’t expect me to try and cash it at her bank since mine was already closed. There wasn’t enough fundage, so no fast food. So we headed back home to make our chicken nuggets and rice as fast as possible to give K barely enough time to wolf down his food before he had to leave for work.
I’m still wearing the clothes I put on to take P to school. I didn’t put on a bra until about 4:30 PM. I’ve eaten so much candy and sugar in the past 24 hours that I have terrible gas and no one can stand to be around me, least of all me. I did brush my teeth this morning. Kudos to me.

What the heck is wrong with me?? Its like I’ve sunk into this hole of complacency, anti-motivation, depression, uselessness. There are things I could be doing!!! I could work out! Just because we don’t have money to buy the paint yet doesn’t mean I can’t be cleaning or organizing or even just making lists. Good grief.

So, like I said, I’ve got to get it together. I should start tonight with working out. I should. I feel so nasty right now from chicken nuggets and sugar and gas that I can’t even imagine trying to run on the treadmill or even walk. But I have to do something to break this nasty cycle. This is a downward spiral and I’m picking up speed. Things are not going to get easier next week when we’re fixing up the house. Quite the opposite. Things are not going to be easier after K leaves for Utah and leaves me here with the kids and a house to sell. Again, the opposite.

So I have to get it together. Now. Right now. Can  you hear me trying to talk myself out of this??? Because I can, but I also hear a voice in the back of my head that says to eat another bowl of candy oatmeal instead of doing the dishes. Or drink some leftover soda before it goes flat. Or “go to bed early” so that I don’t have to work out, when that always turns into staying up late to watch TV, even if I don’t eat at the same time.

Wish me luck on throwing myself a lifeline.

My job. Again. Yes, since I quit once already in Oct of 2008, people might not believe I actually don’t want to work outside my home. But its true, I don’t. I want to focus on my family and my children, which I don’t feel I’m doing very well even working part-time. Some people are good at time management and seem to do it all – I’m not one of those people, though I’d like to learn to be.

Anyway, my point is, with all this moving stuff coming up like a full-speed train, I’m REALLY having a hard time focusing and getting it done with work. And its constantly getting worse – how much they’re asking me to do while they know I haven’t agreed to work more hours. So basically they want me to be superwoman and get it all done in the short 12 hours a week I’ve agreed to work. So tomorrow, I’m giving notice. They’re going to freak out, and maybe be angry. But I didn’t know this job offer was coming, I had no idea or way to predict even a week ago that we’d have decided to move so quickly. Last Monday, none of this had happened.

So, quitting, tomorrow. I have to write up a letter today, and serve it to my supervisor. My parents suggested that as a part-time, no benefits employee I have no obligation to give them 2 weeks notice or serve them with a letter. But my DH disagrees that whether I’m obligated to or not, that’s not the level of professionalism to which I hold myself. And he’s right. So I’m going to type it up and print it off to take with me tomorrow. And tomorrow will be an interesting afternoon.

I’m going to go back to working out at nights. I’m feeling better, more energetic, and the days are going to be very busy for a while. Today, I watched my friends youngest two kids while she took care of a funeral that fell to her to do since it is her new calling at church. I was glad to help her, but I really don’t enjoy watching other people’s children. I’m never going to be a person that could run a daycare. Anyway, I had intended to work out this afternoon but having them here threw me off and I’m going to do it tonight – and stay out of the kitchen.

Over the last 5 days, K has sold his business as of the end of January, gotten a job offer (totally unexpected and not solicited), and we’ve decided to sell our house and move to Utah.

Can I just tell you I’m freaking out?????? There is so much to think about that I’ve been medicating my brain with food and TV. Eat and watch to shut down the brain. Not a good combination.

I’m excited about this. I don’t feel like going into details because it is just too much to type tonight and I don’t think I can get started or I won’t be able to stop. Suffice it to say that each night I lay down and can’t get my brain to shut up so that I can sleep. And during the day I walk around in a daze thinking about all the stuff that has to get done and how it is going to happen.

K will be leaving no later than the 8th of February to start his new job in Utah on the 9th. Which means the kids and I will be staying here to try and sell the house on our own. Scary. Terrifying. But I think I’m up for it. A lot will have to be done to the house before K leaves, so the first week of February when he is technically unemployed will be a very busy week for that man. We also have to figure out our vehicle situation because right now we’re a one-vehicle family and that won’t do if he’s going to leave me here. He’ll need a vehicle and so will I.

Ok, that’s details. Not going to start.

Today, I basically cleaned the whole house. Some places, I cleaned deeper than others. But let’s see if I can list it all out: I vacuumed upstairs, edging and washing floorboards in some places. Dusted upstairs, wiping down windows in a couple of places (where dog noses have coated the window). Helped both kids clean their rooms and dusted them. Sorted some laundry, though I haven’t washed much of it yet. Moved a bunch of laundry downstairs into the laundry room so the door can be shut. Vacuumed the stairs, washing the floorboards and the handrailing. Sorted through the floor of the coat closet junk and put a bunch of stuff away. Tidied downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. It hasn’t been this clean in a LONG time and the end where we leave keys, wallets, and every other dump-out-pockets item is almost bare (AWESOME – I wish I could manage to keep it this way). Swept and vacuumed the edges downstairs and then mopped the kitchen and new hardwood laminate. Washed the back glass sliding doors on both sides to get the dog gunk off, too bad I can’t get the dog scratches out. Dusted downstairs. Changed the “slip-cover” sheet on the couch so its a clean one, washed off the table and put out a tablecloth. Cleaned the half-bath toilet, floor, and sink that is next to the kitchen. Washed off some cupboards in the kitchen. Cleaned the stove (still need to clean the oven). Walked around the backyard picking up bottle tops, squished bottles, and stuffed-animal-stuffing to make it a little more presentable. Didn’t even try to clean up the poop – that’s a project for another day. Did dishes and more dishes. Washed marker and crayon off the walls in the stairwell.

I feel like I’m forgetting stuff, but that might be it. It was a lot. The reason this all came about today is because we are entertaining our first guests EVER that aren’t family tomorrow evening after church. A family that invited us to dinner a couple months ago is coming over with their 3 boys for dinner. We’re having hawaiian haystacks, cobbler and ice cream for dessert. I hope it tastes good; it doesn’t seem like a fancy or classy meal, but I think everyone will be able to make a plate that appeals to them. I hope. I’m nervous, and I wanted our poor, beat-up house to make as good of an impression as it can. As I cleaned, it just made it more apparent to me that this might not be an easy house to sell. I’m going to need a lot of praying.

My mother told me last night to just take it one day at a time. Today was for cleaning and getting the supplies for the haystacks. I’ve cleaned, and that kept me pretty mindless at most points. I sent K for the supplies because he had an appointment at 3:30 anyway. I made the kids dinner when K still wasn’t home by 5:00 and we were all hungry. K called me at 5:45 to tell me he’d just left his appointment and still had to go to the store, and when he gets home he wants to go see his friend who is in town and leaving in the morning. I want him to see his friend, but I also don’t want to be left here alone with the kids when I’m facing literally months alone with them without him.

We’re moving to Utah. I think I will be so messed up if this falls through. We haven’t started telling people here yet except for family. I’ve only told my parents and one sister, and that was just because she happened to call me about something else the evening that K made the decision to take the job (while I was taking a nap no less, I woke up and he’d taken the job). I want to tell everyone because its all I can think about, but I have to wait. I could tell the rest of my family, but it could still fall through and then I’d just feel like a fool for ONCE AGAIN jumping the gun. Happens a lot with a husband who is constantly changing his “plan”. Two months ago, he as going to join the Navy and be a nurse officer. So who knows?

We’re moving to Utah. Him in 2.5 weeks, us whenever the house sells. I pray that this is the right thing for our family, because if it is I truly believe that the Lord will help the house sell quickly. But sometimes its so hard to know the Lord’s plan and His timeline for our lives.

Tomorrow, I need to focus on church and feeding the family coming to visit us. That’s what I can do tomorrow. So hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep tonight?